Le couloir de la mort

"A Letter From Death Row" is awful.

The plot: Michael Raine (Michaels) is accused of killing his girlfriend and is put on death row. He starts to think about how he can save his life.

This movie is a nightmare to watch. Michaels can't direct or edit at all. There's one scene in the beginning where he does karate moves in front of a mirror and all these color effects and strobe lights start killing your sense of vision. Let's talk about his acting skills: Why? Charlie (Or Charles as he liked to called during 1997-1999) and Martin Sheen drop by to light their dignity on fire.

Michaels made another movie in 1998: "No Code Of Conduct". It's a million times better than this.

I think all copies of "A Letter From Death Row" should be executed immediately.

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Has everybody forgotten that this man was the lead singer of Poison? This could be "Citizen Cain" and it would suck anyway on general principle. What the heck was Martin Sheen thinking. A long fall from "Apocolyse Now", that is for sure. Bret Michaels acting? Maybe he should spend more time getting better at singing before he quits his day job. Something to believe in? The electric chair.

The only reason I watched this movie is because I found out that my favorite local Talk Radio host was in it (I live in Nashville, where it was filmed). He played the defense attorney, and I'm sorry to say he was one of the worst actors in the movie (and that's saying a lot, considering how bad the acting was throughout). It's a good thing he's a good radio host. I guess they tried to save money by using local talent, but talent really isn't the right word. The plot had an interesting twist, but it wasn't enough to save this dog of a movie. I can't believe I even sat through it, and I wasted a spot in my Netflix queue for this.

A Letter from Death Row has the plot depth and acting skills of a rock video, which should come as no surprise since former Poison lead singer Bret Michaels is the lead actor, writer, director, co-producer and songwriter.

While Death Row would probably be placed in the mystery/thriller genre, it's not thrilling at all, and the only real mystery is why Martin and Charlie Sheen would agree to appear in this movie at all. Don't be fooled by the tape cover, though Martin Sheen has second billing in the credits, he appears in one inconsequential scene for about 90 seconds.

The rest of the acting is wooden; the defense lawyer in particular looks like he's reading cue cards. We do not care about any of the characters, and by the end of the movie the plot is totally dismissed as well.

This is not one of those "so bad you have to see it" movies, unless you're a Poison fan.

This is, or should have been, the vanity project to end all vanity projects. The plastic-boobed strippers in thongs, the pointless camera effects, the pointless strange angles, chapter titles, in fact continual titles, continual voice-over, cheesy music (natch, he's from Poison), average (being kind)-to-poor acting, awkward exposition...if you've had a smoke and a drink it's hilarious, otherwise it's about a 1:4:4 solution of mildly amusing, irritating and boring. Just like me.

(I was going to rate it higher than a 1 because I'm nice like that but the IMDb definition of 1 is "awful", and I can't argue with that really.)