The Journey: Absolution

Joel and the robots could have a field day with this piece of tripe. Dick (21 Jump Street) Grieco has either put on weight or is wearing a padded shirt. None the less, Dick is supposed to be a tough military dude, yet he obviously has a few hours a day to pluck those dainty eyebrows of his. This movie takes place in a military base in a frozen wasteland (in many ways it resembles Grieco's acting career). An uppity punk discovers a secret society within the base and after watching the ritual, my eyes started to bleed. Please, if there is a god, destroy this film.

I usually start one of these with a brief plot summary. I think I'll skip that with The Journey: Absolution. Like the film's title, the plot is pretty much an indescribable, nonsensical mess. Something about a secret military training facility in the Arctic. Mario Lopez is sent in (I think) to investigate reports of a missing soldier. And then, out of the blue, the plot switches to full on sci-fi with aliens trying to come through an interstellar gate to take over Earth or something. Whatever! In reality, though, the movie's main purpose seems to be to show a bunch of hunky, good looking, sweaty guys in their underwear. It was more like watching a Calvin Klein commercial than a movie.

Beyond the ridiculous lack of a coherent plot, just about everything else is equally bad. My chief complaint is the acting. Mario Lopez is plain old horrible. His accent comes and goes and his delivery is beyond awkward. Richard Greico is so bad he's laughable. He over-acts every scene like his life depended on it. As for Jaime Pressly - she's in the movie (and that's the kindest thing I'll say about any of the acting). In short, The Journey Absolution is a complete disaster.

One last thing, I did get a chuckle out of the number of times Pressly's character was able to sneak into the top secret military base. That's some awesome security!

2/10

This film has got to be some attempt to get Mario Lopez back on the celebrity map. I don't think at this point he cares what kind of press he gets: he'll even settle to have a rumor that he's gay spread around to get him attention.

The Journey: Absolution begins with the destruction of life as we know it, compliments of a lame CGI meteor hitting a lame CGI model of Earth. Skip ahead a few decades, and Mario Lopez has recruited into a military installation in the Arctic to find his friend, who is male. Haha. Richard Grieco is the ruthless commandant who trains the recruits and periodically selects one the most elite of the troop to be a part of the Z-team.

Everything that can go wrong in a movie does here. Uninspired direction, cheap, flimsy sets, embarrassing sexist scenes, flat, dull performances, laughable dialogue, bargain-basement special effects, and cliches and plot holes in the script larger than the hole left by the meteor that hits Earth.

Richard Grieco's constant repetition of, "For the sake of Pete," brings to mind John Travolta's mindless repetition of "leverage" in another sci-fi turkey, Battlefield Earth. Mario Lopez shows us exactly why he starred in Saved By The Bell and not much more.

The only truly decent thing about this flick is all the hot men prancing around in nothing but underwear and black combat boots. Otherwise, this awful, awful attempt at sci-fi falls flat on it's homo-erotic face.

2 out of 10

Who did they think they were fooling by including clearly superfluous women in this? This film is obviously the fantasy project of a rich daddy, a tax write-off, or both. Whatever your orientation, if you care somewhat about filmmaking, you won't even be able to enjoy the parade of bodies on display because EVERYTHING is so bad about this film that it's tainted by awfulness. Watch pro-wrestling instead. The acting will still be bad, but at least it'll be entertaining and exciting, and you'll get to see attractive, muscular people.

Not good. Very poor story, very poor performances and exceedingly poor construction of sets.

I don't know what this was supposed to be about because it was just a dull film from 2 minutes in and stayed there.

Since I am not gay, I did not get turned on by the men and therefor it interested me even less.

Richard Grieco over-kills his performance - as do the others, but I watched this for Grieco and was not impressed. Not that he is the best performer ever, but this was pretty bad - even for him.

Anyways, you'll see for yourself.

David Decoteau has made lots films and in them, some duds. This is one of the duds.