Lord Protector

Either this movie was a pretty funny camp film or the acting was pretty bad (way over the top especially for the male actors). Once I decided to consider it for its camp value, I ended up enjoying it.

The basic plot was okay; a pretty average sword and sorcery story, though the sorcery had elements of technology. Despite a narrator (Charlton Heston!) there was not enough back-story to understand the world but the characters' back-stories were explained as the movie went on. There were a couple of unexplained disconnects that were more or less confusing depending on how integral to the storyline they were.

I watched it free on Netflix. I might watch it again...but I wouldn't if I had to pay for it.

LORD PROTECTOR is kiddie fare, but for whose kids? Obviously shot for television or STV, this amateurish rehash KRULL has several stock characters -- a magician, an assassin, a warrior, a scientist -- on the trail of something or other in order to defeat the Dark Forces about to be unleashed on their planet. Badly written, acted and staged in available California locations like municipal parks and a ranch, LORD PROTECTOR has nothing to recommend it, not even as a time waster. Jay Underwood is the only "name" actor, and most people, especially the intended audience of five year olds, are not likely to remember him from such ancient Disney fare as NOT QUITE HUMAN. A no-name actor playing a magician in an ill-fitting silver wig at least plays it with tongue planted firmly in cheek, while those around him act as if they are in a dinner theater production of KING LEAR. I was hoping at least for a decent action or special effects sequence. Alas, the action sequences are pathetically staged and the few special effects are those old fashioned painted-over cartoon gags we used to see in 1950s and 1960s fantasy flicks, like Bert Gordon's THE MAGIC SWORD. The filmmakers planned a sequel that mercifully never came to be. Often, such cheap Hollywood back-lot productions use a combination of legit and porn actors. I kept myself occupied during the film's seemingly interminable running time, trying to figure which was which in this one. I didn't have much luck.

The story is a fantasy tale about the possible destruction of this world and a fight between good and evil. I noticed some reviewers glow about this film and give it scores of 8, 9 or even 10. I have a seriously hard time understanding it, as the film was one of the most amateurish looking movies I've seen...especially when it comes to the acting. The actors look much more like some friends who got together to make a film, not a serious production.

The only reason I watched the film is because it was one of Charlton Heston's final movies. However, it turns out that he only narrates and if you are watching for Olivia Hussey, she only is used as a voice actor as well. The rest...well, I just hope that they worked hard and have improved their skills since making this movie.

Okay, I haven't actually seen this film. But once upon a time I got a phone call from someone representing the producer of "Witchboard" and "Season of Fear" looking for investors for a proposed movie to be called "Lord Protector." They told me they had already lined up Charlton Heston to narrate, and were offering roles to F. Murray Abraham and Michael Rooker. They mailed me a prospectus and everything, but in the end I passed. I wonder if I would have made good on my investment? I really should try to find this and see how the movie turned out. I'd probably be a lot more interested if they'd really ended up with Michael Rooker.

When I saw this film, I assumed it had been made in the late seventies - the effects are almost drawn onto the screen; but then I spotted in was made in 1996 and my appreciation really slumped. The first thing you notice is that old Ben Hur himself is the narrator - but why? Did he need the cash? The story, not that it really matters - is a sort of "Conan" meets "Red Sonja" affair with the hero "Rennick" (Patrick Cassidy) and his trusty team of stalwarts setting off to engage the epitome of evil in a battle for the very survival of our planet. Oddly enough, the campy performances; the large-scale paper-maché sets and the merry accompanying score might be more passable if the dialogue hadn't been written by an eight year old with English as his/her fifth language. The sword and sandals fight scenes are all terribly theatrically staged, and the visual effects are similar to those on a game of "Asteroids". Not the worst, but you can see it from here...