Lord Protector

LORD PROTECTOR is kiddie fare, but for whose kids? Obviously shot for television or STV, this amateurish rehash KRULL has several stock characters -- a magician, an assassin, a warrior, a scientist -- on the trail of something or other in order to defeat the Dark Forces about to be unleashed on their planet. Badly written, acted and staged in available California locations like municipal parks and a ranch, LORD PROTECTOR has nothing to recommend it, not even as a time waster. Jay Underwood is the only "name" actor, and most people, especially the intended audience of five year olds, are not likely to remember him from such ancient Disney fare as NOT QUITE HUMAN. A no-name actor playing a magician in an ill-fitting silver wig at least plays it with tongue planted firmly in cheek, while those around him act as if they are in a dinner theater production of KING LEAR. I was hoping at least for a decent action or special effects sequence. Alas, the action sequences are pathetically staged and the few special effects are those old fashioned painted-over cartoon gags we used to see in 1950s and 1960s fantasy flicks, like Bert Gordon's THE MAGIC SWORD. The filmmakers planned a sequel that mercifully never came to be. Often, such cheap Hollywood back-lot productions use a combination of legit and porn actors. I kept myself occupied during the film's seemingly interminable running time, trying to figure which was which in this one. I didn't have much luck.

Okay, I haven't actually seen this film. But once upon a time I got a phone call from someone representing the producer of "Witchboard" and "Season of Fear" looking for investors for a proposed movie to be called "Lord Protector." They told me they had already lined up Charlton Heston to narrate, and were offering roles to F. Murray Abraham and Michael Rooker. They mailed me a prospectus and everything, but in the end I passed. I wonder if I would have made good on my investment? I really should try to find this and see how the movie turned out. I'd probably be a lot more interested if they'd really ended up with Michael Rooker.

In the 80s, a film like this would have been awesome. Blood, muscles up steroid dudes wielding swords and hot gals that would go topless often. They would also have some practical effects monster that would sometimes look pretty good. Then the 90s came around and things became dull. Here we have annoying yelling nerds as our heroes, empty waterways and caves where one would expect monsters and okay looking women not topless. So everything that made the 80s sword and sorcery films awesome is missing here and we are left a bit bored.

The story has a very annoying guy gathering a group together to fight the darkness. He shouts a lot and lacks charisma. That is okay, so does most of the people he has join him with the exception of the swordsmen looking for a plant, he is alright; granted, I could not understand him a lot of the time. They battle people in this thing, no trying to have any cool battles here. They face obvious traitors, a romance and possibly victory with minimal effort put into the film as possible.

I did not really recognize most of the cast, Charlton Heston did narration and Olivia Hussey did a voice, but none of the people in the film looked familiar. Lead guy shouts to much, the doofus who follows the group could be called captain bland, the only one who seemed to try was the sword guy who was so immersed in character he was hard to understand because of the accent...

So, if watching a group of travelers going into a magical waterway and a cave where no man has returned despite there being nothing in either place, watching a romance flair that is totally predictable and that is missing everything that made these types of films fun then this is your movie! You also probably think mayonnaise is too spicy...

Narrated by Chuck Heston, you can tell he did only one take on some of the entries due to the inflection. Musetta Vander has one short scene, love ya Mu, wish there were more of you in this! Cassidy tries hard, and keep up the effort, but I have to say that Jonathan Fuller's performance makes the film watchable. If you're into D&D and renaissance festivals, you might find this fun. One of my best friends lost his shirt investing in this, but he has since gotten back on his feet. Yes, the producers had done a number of successful films in the past, and everyone is allowed a turkey or two. I just wish it hadn't been this one. I wish I could give it more than 5 stars, but 3 of them are because of John as Malthon/Nohtlam. The bit with the hand that has a mind of its own is a blast. I noticed they fixed some of the soundtrack issues when they re-named the film, and more of a back story would have helped. Still, with a few disjointed scenes and all it is a fun escapism film.

The budget on this film was nearly nonexistent, so with this in mind, I think they did a terrific job with what they had. Patrick, who I think is the most attractive in a very attractive family is a great person and I think that comes across very well. All of the other players are appealing as well and proved to be good sports. None of these actors are or were porn stars as was suggested in another review. Artists are just that, dreamers always striving to express themselves in a way that can touch other lives and I can only cheer on these artists in their quest to lift the audience out of drab reality into fun fantasy. It is nice also to see a film that doesn't pander to the least common denominator.