La langue tueuse

This movie right off is not one of the most bizarre or even gory films which I have seen. The movie tries too hard to come across as both. I usually disregard plot and characters in these films because it always makes things confusing. The plot in KILLER TONGUE at the begininng is terribly confusing. The film is by no means bad. Actually I enjoyed the movie.

Uurrrrggghh!! Where can I possibly start.

The Killer Tongue looked good on the shelf. The cover screams out quotable quotes, like the now obviously sarcastic one from Quentin Tarantino; `Wow!!!'. I should have read between the lines but instead I thought `Wow!!!' It's even got the hilarious one-liner under the title that reads `Go for your gums.' Tack City here we come.

A black, bizarre comedy with a heavy Sci-Fi/Horror element running throughout, The Killer Tongue is an absurd film that you really cannot prepare yourself for. It doesn't really matter what I tell you about it, the good bits, bad bits. it's one of those films that you really have to see for yourself.

The film can lay claim to winning a host of alternative film awards including `Best Actress', `Best Special Effects' and `Best Director', but somehow this is totally meaningless when you're watching a film revolving around a 10-foot, flesh-eating, talking tongue that lives inside the oh-so-cute figure of Candy (Melinda Clarke).

Candy is waiting for her boyfriend to be released from jail. Trying to lay low, she adopts the guise of a Nun whilst living at a petrol station turned nunnery in the middle of the desert. With a very `From Dusk Till Dawn' backdrop, Candy decides that its time to sod-off and wait for her boyfriend elsewhere. which is when an alien being descends from the heavens via spaceship/moon-rock/pod (hard to tell) and lands in her soup! Yep, alien invasion through soup.

So stupid in fact that my brain switched off, Candy then turns into a complete Marilyn Mansonesque figurine that simply has to feed her tongue with human flesh. We're even treated with Candy satisfying her own curiosities with a bit of tongue waggling in the downstairs department. Best bit so far.

Not alone, Candy's' pet poodles also had a good deal of soup that night. As a result we've now got four very camp, "Priscilla" styled drag queens wandering around the house. What follows are scenes involving a lot of tongue wrestling, strangulation and wriggling.

Robert Englund (of Freddy Krueger fame) plays an eccentric, evil jail warden who is partial to a bit of man-on-man. Surprisingly he's great in the role, which makes me wonder what he got into after the Nightmare on Elm Street series of pictures.

A completely off-the-wall, highly unpredictable film, The Killer Tongue is worth watching because you'll probably never see anything quite like it ever again. Bizarre, trashy, sick and twisted it may be, but can it be described as being any good? Hmmmm. Can you polish a turd?

Here's a horror version of PRISCILLA: QUEEN OF THE DESERT (they wish!) starring Melinda/Mindy (RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD 3) Clarke as Candy, a desert dweller who pulls off a bank heist with boyfriend Johnny (Jason Durr). He ends up in a South-of-the-border prison run by the sadistic Chief Screw (an overacting Robert Englund in a toupee). She and her beloved pet poodles end up in hiding at a gas station convent until they're transformed by a newly fallen meteor. The dogs turn into obnoxious drag queen "bitches" and Candy develops a VERY long, talking, killing forked tongue she can't control. Thugs looking for the stolen loot and other assorted numbskulls add extra complications.

First off, Clarke is fantastic and makes what there is to make of this movie. You watch her and see someone very funny during the slapstick scenes, very convincing during the horror scenes and VERY sexy in various wigs and disguises, including an eye-popping, skin tight latex bodysuit...and wonder how come this actress isn't a huge star. It's too bad the rest of this cult attempt doesn't live up to her promise.

Blame director/scripter Sciamma, who thinks the outlandish premise alone is enough to sustain laughs...but his vulgar gags, annoying supporting characters and stupid dialogue are no substitute for a real sense of humor. Another nail in the coffin; the film looks cheap, lots of garish colors and sets are strangely muted by muddy photography and the dusty desert locales. Luckily for Sciamma that Clarke is in his film, because she alone keeps you watching.

Flipping through the stations the other night and came upon this movie. started watching it and was hooked. This is a melding of a sci-fi horror flick and all of the "Evil Dead" movies. The writing was a little below par but that was more than made up by the effects and the acting. Robert Englund was great. When it was over I still couldn't believe I had watched the whole thing. If you got the time and you are an "evil Dead" fan you will love this one.

"The Shawshank Redemption" is a wonderful, thoughtful, touching and intelligent masterpiece regarding crime, punishment, and the limitations of the human soul. I guess what I mean is, "The Shawshank Redemption" is a better film than "Killer Tongue". When did I come to this realization? Well, maybe it was around the time in "Killer Tongue" when the hateful prison warden (Robert Englund) gets into an outhouse plastered with pornography only to have an inmate dropped right on top of him from a crane. I think it was right about then that I realized that "Killer Tongue" was not going to be the cinematic masterpiece I had hoped for.

Don't get me wrong, the "hilarious" outhouse shenanigans are not the film's only misstep. Take, for instance, the movie's "hilarious" gag of having poodles magically transformed into loathsome and annoying humans. Before I saw this movie I had a generally positive image of Poodle-Men, but "Killer Tongue" has changed that- I will never vote for a Poodle-Man now! No, no, no! > > My only thoughts that could collect reasonably while this frightful mess unspooled before my unbelieving eyes was that the film-makers had attempted to >. Their movie is near unwatchable- jokes and gore are merely suggested instead of shown thanks to the poor editing, the acting is horrible, the sets are supposed to look off the wall but are pretty bland, parts that are supposed to be outrageous are trite (Sex Starved Nuns? Oh, there's an original blasphemy!), and the whole thing reeks of the incompetence only A-Pix productions can put forth. Parts of it are funny, but still, you can actually smell how bad this movie is. It's mephitic stench reeks from the television screen. Horror icons Doug Bradley (Pinhead) and Englund (Freddy Kreuger) give the worst performances of their careers, and Mindy Clarke was a favorite of mine from "Return of the Living Dead part 3", but is painfully bad in this.

Unless you're a connoisseur of killer tongue movies- and, rest assured, this is the "Citizen Kane" of killer tongue movies- stay very, very far away from this movie. Rent "Death Mask" or "The Wizard of Gore", just run away from "Killer Tongue".