Skyscraper

In the bad department, this film doesn't measure up to the classics like "Plan 9 From Outer Space", but it tries very hard. Security Guard Dudley Wright is the best thing about this movie, but his Tim Kazarinski (Tim, if I spelled that wrong, I'm sorry) impression seals the deal.

If you really want to ogle Anna Nicole Smith's nude bod, better to dig up an old Playboy. She's really not shown that often. Three scenes only one totally nude.

On a scale of 1-10 for believability, I'd have to go into the negative numbers, but it does give plenty of laughs if you're willing to suspend any and all credibility.

I sincerely feel very bad for the actual GOOD actors in this (there ARE some), but I'm sure they didn't mind the extra job to fill in time between honest work.

Skyscraper is Die Hard with Anna Nicole Smith in the Bruce Willis role. In an effort to differentiate the two movies, they made her a helicopter pilot. Normally this would make the plot highly unbelievable (she takes on a gang of terrorists). But by the time the plot kicks in, you will already have given up on any hope that this is anything more than soft core porn.

The sad thing is, Anna Nicole's acting skills aren't even up to that level. Actually, they don't exist. She reads every line in exactly the same monotone, whether whining to her husband that she wants a baby or pleading with the terrorists not to shoot a hostage. On the plus side, there is lots of nudity that gives new meaning to the word 'gratuitous'. Early on Anna Nicole gets home from a hard day's work and relaxes with a slow-motion shower. She seems to really enjoy it, giving special attention to her big-as-your-head breasts. Actually, that's the high point of her performance. But I don't think even Meryl Streep could have done much with this material.

You've got your multi-ethnic team of what another reviewer called "Chippendales terrorists", each one a stereotype of some kind (my favourite was the French one, who would sprinkle his dialogue with exotic French words like "mes amis"). You've got your "brilliant" terrorist leader whose brilliance is supposed to be conveyed by his pretentious habit of meaninglessly quoting Shakespeare and by his lofty world-accent line delivery. I could go on about the brain-dead comic relief, the cheesy take-over-the-world plot, and dialogue that's beyond wooden - it's more like petrified wood - but I don't want to ruin the experience for you. That's right - I think you should see this film. I haven't laughed this hard since Showgirls.

Anna Nicole Smith gives a performance that comparatively makes Jayne Mansfield an Oscar winner. A disgusting rip off of Die Hard, including crawling through air ducts. While the plot wasn't remotely intended to take the viewer on an emotional roller coaster ride, Ms. Smith's only emotion seems to consist of whining. It is obvious she just read many lines from cue cards. The most telling sign of the enthusiasm of this cast was exhibited by the hostages, who when released, just sort of meander out of the building. More energy and enthusiasm is shown by most people when being seated in a dentist's chair.

The whole cast would have been better off if an earthquake collapsed the building on them. The attempted rescue would have been more intriguing.

The nude scenes were apparently just to exhibit her unnatural endowment. I found viewing her mammaries more humorous than erotic. Anna Nicole Smith strikes me as a rather pitiable creature of silicon.

I rented the movie for 50 cents locally. What a waste.

I found it truly distressing to watch this film. Plot wise, it was basically a rip off of Die Hard (i.e. group of 'terrorists' take over hi-tec building and are foiled by an individual) and appeared to exist only as a vehicle for Anna Nicole Smith's breasts.

The European 'terrorist' contingent looked like a bunch of failed male models - musclebound freaks with girly hair. The dialogue appeared to be a rather poorly realised afterthought and Ms. Smith's acting was painful to watch. Her facial expressions and whining voice were several steps down from Roger Moore's school of 'eyebrow-response' acting. Even in the attempted rape scene there was no dramatic tension, leaving the viewer with an almost schizophrenic sense of detachment. All in all a complete waste of time. Nice jugs though.

Okay, that should take care of all the dumb breast jokes, shall we move on?

Anna Nicole Smith...action star?

No.

Anna Nicole Smith...erotic star?

Maybe.

Anna Nicole Smith...comedian?

Definitely.

She can't act, she can barely remember her lines, she pouts, she whines...and she's supposed to be the next Bruce Willis? I think not. Take out the violence and this could be "The Naked Gun, Part 48DD: Double Trouble". ...okay, okay, that's the last dumb breast joke, I promise.

On the basis of this movie, Anna would be best off to just cut her losses and work as an understudy for Edy Williams (hey, she's got to retire sometime).

One star. Maybe two, I wouldn't want to be a boob.

Sorry, sorry....