Killer Cats

STRAYS shows us the terror that is the housecat invasion.

A man and his wife (Timothy Busfield and Kathleen Quinlan) along with their daughter, move into a rural home, unaware that a clowder of killer kitties has already taken up residence there. Led by a 9-lb. Alpha male, these feral felines cause property damage and death.

There are around 15 cats in this movie. As a cat owner, and having personally known someone with 21 cats, it's safe to say that these people would have smelled their new urine-soaked house from down the road! They would have needed hazmat suits to even enter such a place! Breathing would have been quite unhealthy indeed.

These facts aside, these humans are some of the biggest wimps in cinema. Pour water on an attacking tabby? Hit it with the pitcher you idiot! A frisky marauder in the bedroom? Roll it up in that thick comforter for God's sake!

Watch for Claudia Christian as a doomed relative!

Another amazing entry in the killer kitty sub-sub-genre...

What we have here is effectively a "nature runs amok" flick of the kind that has cheaply filled in the edges of the adventure, sci-fi, and horror genres for decades. The only difference is that the animals representing the antagonistic force of nature in this feature are stray cats; take that as you will. Factor in the picture's nature as a TV movie originally broadcast on the USA Network, and one way or another, we're in for a bit of a ride.

The character writing is quite formulaic; these figures are basically walking clichés. The chief cast assembled to portray them are faces familiar to moviegoers and channel-surfers from the early 90s, as Kathleen Quinlin, Timothy Busfield, and Claudia Christian are readily recognizable. They do their part to ably fill the roles they are given, and we've seen elsewhere what they're capable of, but here they're limited by very straightforward, uncomplicated writing. There are no real surprises in the narrative, and scene writing and dialogue is simply suitable. None of this is outright bad, but it is very ordinary, unremarkable, and all but pedestrian. As a result, what tension, suspense, or thrills we get are more perfunctory than they are visceral and impactful. It's written and shot in the style of a horror-thriller, but only manages to be passingly entertaining and enjoyable at even its most dire moments.

Merely adequate as the craft is in all meaningful ways, these are not even my greatest concern regarding 'Strays.' It's hard not to think that stories like this were not just borne from but also actively contributed to centuries-old misinformed superstitions and beliefs, misplaced fears, and general misunderstanding of felines that still persists today, leading to abuse, neglect, and otherwise animal cruelty. The feral colony at the center of the film is portrayed with a definite lack of realism - organized, consciously malicious, and extraordinarily violent. This movie is the embodiment of not just a phobia, but abject hatred of cats as further cemented in the somewhat bumbling husband and some of his dialogue. A few sparing lines from a veterinarian (William Boyett, another very visible face of film and TV) would seem to stand as a voice of reason ("What we're talking about here is a cat. Get a grip on yourself!"), but fail to achieve balance given the clear, overwhelming thrust of the narrative. I'm honestly a bit taken aback that the observers of the American Humane Society, who according to the credits affirmed that "no animals were harmed or injured," gave a pass on a movie that so concretely demonizes cats.

There are worse things you could watch than this. But it's a frankly common, average TV movie production, and while as a cat lover the very appearance of the felines earns at least a small point of favor, that modicum of worth - and what stimulation we should and would get out of this as a genre piece - is effectively negated by the way the film and its characters treat cats. A strong content warning is necessary for animal cruelty, in general but specifically at the climax, and neglect. There are things about this I want to like, but in my opinion 'Strays' is overall too undistinguished at best, and at worst too dicey and suspect, to truly enjoy.

I've heard of a "wolf pack" (think Nazi U-boats). I've heard of the "Rat Pack" (think Dean Martin, Frank Sinatra, Sammy Davis Jr. etc.). Now we have the "Cat Pack": think gang of furry ferocious crazed felines on a bloodthirsty rampage in some old house out in the middle of nowhere, terrorizing a hapless young family, and you basically have the premise for this movie.

I can't say it's entirely a bad premise, but unfortunately it doesn't come off well in this movie. 'Lame and un-scary' doesn't begin to describe this mess of a film. My overall reaction: much like you'd do with a bad kitty who claws the sofa legs, you want to take a rolled up newspaper and give this movie a good swat on the rear end.

The acting by everyone involved is embarrasing (especially the wife and kid, who, traumatized by cat-induced fear and shock, overplay their overblown reactions so bad that you'd swear you'd seen better acting in your junior high school play). As for Claudia Christian, who later went on to fame and fortune in Babylon 5 as Susan Ivanova, well, the less said the better.

A great theme song for this movie would have been "Psycho Killer" by the Talking Heads - only with the name and lyrics changed to "Psycho Kitty". Now that would have been a nice touch. Meow. Purrrrrr.

A divorce attorney(Timothy Busfield)and his wife(Kathleen Quinlan)buy a desolate country home and are terrorized by a pack of wild, angry and hungry cats. Film does have its moments of panic and at times is actually scary. Otherwise pretty bland horror flick. I did enjoy the rainy, thunder filled scenes. The film's highlight for me was sister-in-law Claudia Christian(a real feline threat). Written and co-produced by Shaun Cassidy.

Is it a horror movie? A spoof? Are the movie's creators really trying to rip-off Fatal Attraction? Is this a movie about an alternative universe? I don't know.

All I know is one night I was flipping channels and saw Timothy Busfield wrestling with a soggy kitty puppet and throwing it around his kitchen and had one of the best laughs of my entire life.

I spent the next few years searching for this movie.

When I finally saw it again and watched the whole thing I was bored to tears and irritated by the stupidity of the characters and late 80's "TV movie" budget.

Then I got my money's worth.

I love cats, don't get me wrong, but I find something inherently, cruelly, disturbingly funny about cats being abused in movies (ex: National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation), and this one tops them all.

See: **cats being flung at windshields**Kathleen Quinlan tossing (fake) cats around like dirty socks after she thinks they're eating her baby**K.Q. in the same scene squeezing a cat up against the wall with the door after it attacks her hateful girl-child. The cat grunts on the soundtrack, and I'm rolling on the couch in paroxysms of laughter**Timothy Busfield in a career-ending wrestling match with a gamey, fur covered puppet. He throws it out the window, chucks it into a microwave and threatens it with electroshock therapy, but it keeps coming back for more, always accompanied by those great stock "cat screech" sound f/x used in comedies.

People who have an unhealthy love of cats as "cute, darling little pets" should stay away, they won't be amused. For the rest of us, who recognize that cats are cute but have claws and fangs for a reason (to kill things with) and think they're kind of weird and creepy even at the best of times, there are some unforgetful laff-out-loud moments.

I'm laughing as I write this, thinking about the last scene. Thank you, Hollywood, for this stupid, stupid movie!!