Connection Hawaï

The sixth in Andy Sidaris' series of Playboy Playmate/CIA agent extravaganzas is probably one of the most entertaining, although the story actually makes more sense than usual -- which robs it of some of its camp value. (Part of the fun of Andy's movies is trying to make sense of his unnecessarily convoluted plots, which he gleefully admits to cranking out in longhand on legal pads in "about four days.") Asian crime boss Pat Morita (so that's what happened to Arnold after he left "Happy Days"!) puts out a hit on CIA bikini-stuffers Dona Spier and Roberta Vasquez, which basically sets in motion Sidaris' take on "The Most Dangerous Game," except we've got Erik Estrada and lots of nudity thrown into the mix. It's all utterly silly, but so funny and do with so much zest that you can't help but get a big kick out of it. In many ways, it's actually better than the James Bond films of the same period (ugh! Timothy Dalton!). "Do or Die" makes its DVD debut on March 25, 2003.

This movie is so hopelessly inept, that if it was played in a more tongue-in-cheek manner it might have been considerable fun. Now, it's just corny. The sex scenes are reasonably stylish, but are arbitrarily thrown into various parts of the film, usually under the least likely circumstances. As for the action, there isn't even one minute of genuine danger or suspense. If the villain, played by Pat Morita(!) wasn't so show-offy, there wouldn't have been a movie, either. Don't do it. (*)

Dona Speir and Roberta Vasquez once again essay the roles of sexpot government agents Donna and Nicole, who are targeted by crime kingpin "Kane" (Pat "Mr. Miyagi" Morita). He's sick and tired of them ruining his business ventures, so he forces them to participate in "games". He will sic supposedly expert assassins on them again and again. Fortunately, the girls have allies such as Erik "Ponch" Estrada on their side, as well as a cool gadget or two.

Andy Sidaris certainly never set out to make "high art". That said, there is something comfortable about the rigid formulas of his destined-for-cable-TV adventures. They're like comfort food, or a well-loved old pair of shoes. You know what you're getting: gorgeous, bosomy babes, equally gorgeous scenery (this was filmed on locales such as Hawaii, Las Vegas, and Louisiana), various action scenes and stunts, copious amounts of sex and nudity, and those aforementioned gadgets.

"Do or Die" is pretty much a solid example of what Sidaris did so well, with name stars like Morita and Estrada playing their roles adequately, and the physical assets of ladies like Speir, Vasquez, Cynthia Brimhall (who also belts out a catchy country & western ditty), Pandora Peaks, and Carolyn Liu placed front and centre. (You'll see how Ms. Peaks got her stage name.) There's even time for a fair amount of disarming humor, to show that Sidaris never did take any of these movies all that seriously. To that end, Richard Cansino and Chu Chu Malave play one of the teams of inept would-be assassins; they pretend to be Cajun chefs as their cover. The final team is a useless pair of ninjas played by James Lew and Eric Chen.

Lots of dumb bad guys - and good guys who always end up miraculously untouched - add to a "good" dumb fun movie for people looking for sex appeal and cheese.

Six out of 10.

Despite having been blown to smithereens by Dona Speir in 'Guns' (the fifth movie in my Andy Sidaris 'Girls, Guns and G-Strings' box-set), ex-CHiPs star Erik Estrada miraculously returns in one piece for the next film Do or Die, albeit as a totally new character, good guy Richard 'Rico' Estevez; Estrada even gets to romp with Speir in a brief sex scene, no questions asked.

I guess it's what I should expect from a movie franchise in which top-heavy female federal agents squeeze into tiny outfits to take on the never-ending stream of ruthless villains who turn up on their tiny Hawaiian island. This time around, it's none other than Mr. Miyagi himself, Pat Morita, who plays the baddie, a Japanese criminal by the name of Kane, who is so fed up with buxom babes Donna and Nicole (Speir and Roberta Vasquez) ruining his illegal operations that he forces them to play a deadly game of cat and mouse against six pairs of his best killers.

Their lives in danger, the girls head for the mainland and are subsequently pursued across several states, thereby allowing Sidaris to set his cheesy action set-pieces against a variety of backdrops whilst also indulging his usual obsessions: humongous breasts, high powered weaponry, and remote control scale models (but, rather surprisingly, no men in drag). As always, there are several steamy soft-core sex scenes (a couple of which are surprisingly artful in their execution), some dumb comedy, and a few poorly staged fight and chase scenes (including one with really crap ninjas). Also adding to the fun is the introduction of two new female characters: Pandora Peaks as Atlanta Lee, owner of the film's biggest pair of tits, and Ava Cadell as Ava, owner of quite possibly the most awesome body of the whole series.

Best of all, though, is the sight of Mr. Miyagi rolling around in bed with his surgically enhanced Japanese babe Silk (Carolyn Liu), the old man clearly using moves that he never dared divulge to young Daniel Larusso.

I rate Do or Die 6.5 out of 10, rounded up to 7, making it my new favourite of the series so far.

Now I am not a fan of Andy Sidaris' movies to say the least but this is the first one in a while that I actually enjoyed in parts. The plot is once again convoluted and tedious, but that is just a staple of Sidaris' films, his fans tune in for the boobs, not the story. However all the scenes with Mr Miyagi are highly entertaining, he clearly could not be bothered to be in this movie and the bored look on his face made me smile every time he was on screen. He delivers his lines with beautiful conviction and at one point we get to hear his orgasm noises, truly beautiful stuff. Apart from that there is a ninja scene which is also quite brilliant, in total this all adds up to a Sidaris movie that is actually bearable.