Les Tortues Ninja

There's no CGI in this bodacious, brazen, balls-to-the-wall blast of pure butt-kicking, nineties-slang spewing and turtle-y awesome fun, just pure rubber, rubber, rubber and it is absolutely beautiful. If you don't have a smile on your face from beginning to end, I can't help you my friend, because there's almost nothing more entertaining than these four teenage turtles just doing their thing, even if it is a bit camp and strangely slow on occasion. Mikey loves being a turtle and it's easy to see why; this is simply some of the most fun I've had in a long time (also one of the best comedies I've watched in a while) and it reminds me just how bad the joyless remake really is. It finds a perfect balance between levity and seriousness, meaning that you're constantly smiling and everything just adds to the absolute joy of it all. It's also surprisingly action-packed and well-versed in that area, too. A blast from beginning to end. 7/10

I dare anyone to hate this movie. Come on. I triple dog dare you. Sit in front of the TV with a bunch of your friends and just try not to like it. You can't. It's impossible. I was a full fledged turtle fan back in the day (I don't think the fad lasted long enough for us to earn Trekker-type names) and of course at that point, I thought it was the Gone With the Wind of our time. That, obviously, it's not. But there is something just incredibly charming about a bunch of giant turtles acting like typical sit-com kids. One even gets yelled out for sneaking out past curfew to see Critters 2. If it comes on TV, even my dad has to pause to watch at least one fight scene. If someone in a college dorm pops it in, legions of kids will exclaim "Holy sh*t! Is that Ninja Turtles?" and then plop right down in front of the TV to watch. You have to give a lot of credit to the guys who made this film. It was released in the height of the craze so they could have thrown anything on the screen and it would have been a hit. (See Ninja Turtles 2). But instead, they tried to make it the best film they could, despite the subject matter. They came up with an almost relevant, after school special type plot. The jokes and references range from Moonlighting to John Steinbeck, and the fight scenes are done in the spirit of a Jackie Chan flick. Add the fact that there are giant turtles doing the fighting, and you get a funny, imaginative, and just plain likeable movie no matter what your age. Sure, it's about pizza loving ninja turtles. But it is the best movie that could ever be made about pizza loving ninja turtles. That has to count for something.

The once-very-popular Turtles, who are trained in the martial arts courtesy of their master, a rat named Splinter, are duty-bound to save the city from a group of youths that are known as The Foot, who have been stealing and committing crimes within the area. They end up befriending a young reporter named April O'Neill, who reads the news on the local TV station, after she is rescued from an attack from The Foot. Once she is home our shelled friends find that The Foot has captured Splinter, and so must rescue him and face the might of The Foot's leader -- Shredder! I was already familiar with the cartoon series (that had apparently been censored somewhat on its arrival in the UK for fear that children would copy the martial artistry), so I was a little dubious as to whether this would work in live-action. Strangely enough, even when I saw it for the first time in 1991, aged 18, I enjoyed it! It was brilliantly done, Shredder looked particularly menacing (as did his right-hand man Tatsu), and Splinter's voice sometimes moved you almost to tears, especially with the charming musical score. The martial arts action is quite well done (although Michelangelo did not have his Nunchaku weapon that his comic-book and video game version does), and the dark look of the whole thing suits it perfectly. This is certainly worth a look.

A quartet of mutated humanoid turtles clash with an uprising criminal gang of ninjas.

First of all, it is worth noting that the late editor Sally Menke (1953-2010) worked on this film before going on to make some of Quentin Tarantino's best work. When watching Tarantino, it is hard to imagine that the same hand was responsible for the Turtles, and yet this is the case.

Growing up in the 1980s, the two big influences on my childhood were the Turtles and He-Man. Both received feature films. The Turtles received this -- a clever, dark and yet humorous story along with a worthy sequel. He-Man had some bizarre alternate dimension story. (Let us not even talk about Super Mario Brothers.) Not only is this film great, but it is even better when you realize how horribly wrong it could have gone.

Further, for me, this was a defining role for Elias Koteas. He has been in many big films, but this was his breakout role and still the role I picture him in despite the added decades and receding hairline...

Forget the "kid friendly" sequels, forget the Michael Bay remakes, forget the CGI experiment. This, right here, is and still remains the definitive Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie. This got the vision laid out by Kevin Eastman and Peter Laird most accurately: A dark, edgy, tongue-in- cheek parody to Frank Martin, Daredevil, Cerebus and New Mutants. Sure, you still had some of the cartoon elements thrown in for good measure (the colored masks, the surfer lingo), but compare this one to the other movies and this one followed the closest to the original comic book series, which was written for adults. The violence has been toned down significantly, as has the cursing, but it's there, on a lower level. As a kid, I was confused about why this was so dark and almost scary. Later, reading the underrated comic books, I learned this was what TMNT was originally envisioned as. Eventually, toy sales and Saturday morning TV won over the comic book, but here, for one brief movie, the turtles, as they were meant to be seen by their original creators, got their time in the sun. The writing isn't terrific and the acting not award winning, but still a fun movie to watch from time to time.