Der Skipper

I'm not sure what I expected from a film starring two of the worst actresses ever to (dis)grace the silver screen, but Kill Cruise is even worse than I could have imagined. This is possibly the first thriller without any thrills. In fact, it should be re-named "Two Irritating Slappers Stuck On A Yacht".

The film begins promisingly. Patsy Kensit (Su) and Liz Hurley (Lou) perform an appalling musical number in a club and then Liz performs an impromptu strip, flashing her boobs. Unfortunately, the comedy ends there. Su and Lou pick up a drunken German skipper (an embarrassed looking Juergen Prochnow) for what I assume was a threesome and decide to sail with him to Bermuda. Shortly into the trip, Su becomes jealous of the relationship developing between Lou and the skipper and generally behaves like an idiot. This jealousy then escalates into general insanity.

Kill Cruise doesn't even have the decency to be a mildly amusing "Dead Calm" rip off. That film exploited the claustrophobic atmosphere of a yacht to magnificent effect. Kill Cruise doesn't even bother, in fact nothing really happens. The most thrilling moment is probably when everyone falls asleep and the ship hits some empty oil barrels. Now that will have you on the edge of your seat. The finale itself is so anti-climactic that it borders on being shameful. The twist is utterly nonsensical and the epilogue is so stupid and irrelevant that it almost defies belief.

The only reason I give this film 3 stars instead of 1 is out of sympathy for Juergen Prochnow, who does his best despite the ridiculous material that he has to work with. The only other thing the film has going for it is the opportunity to laugh at the amazing lack of acting ability displayed by Liz and Patsy. What a sorry pair.

Kill Cruise really is an exercise in futility. If you are going to make a thriller, please provide some thrills. And if you are going to disguise your dull epic as a "character study", then at least flesh out the characters and try to make their actions vaguely believable. This is one cruise you will be happy to skip.

The original box for the video featured Patsy Kensit, who at that time looked like she was going to become a big star. It never happened, & now Elizabeth Hurley (who receives third billing) is featured on the front of the video box. My, how things change! This is a slow moving but very unusual & interesting character study of three people on a small boat, traveling from Gibralter to Barbados. The acting is superb (especially Kensit & Prochnow, both of whom have much charisma), the changing small group dynamics are very interesting for viewers who like character studies, & there's quite a surprise in the plot. Notice the double standard of Kensit's character as she first has sex with a man (in exchange for something she expects but never gets) & then disapproves her friend's (Hurley's) going a bit "too far" after their burlesque dance routine. It's this same ambiguity that drives her character throughout the movie. Hurley is shown semi-nude briefly a couple of times, so that may either peak your interest or turn you off; not for younger viewers. Stick with it during the slow moments, it's worth it. I rate it 8/10.

I expected this to be a "good bad" movie - the kind that's so bad it's entertaining. However, in terms of performance and script I was surprised to find that it was much better than expected. Jurgen Prochnow is always good, no matter how bad the material he is given. But even Patsy Kensit and Elizabeth Hurley did well portraying two self-absorbed, air-headed, and talent-free bimbos who hitch a boat ride with him, expecting a relaxing pleasure cruise. I've been on a one-week cruise with two other people on a similar vessel, sailing off the coast of Maine, and can tell you that the movie accurately portrays the claustrophobic conditions on board which can lead to personality clashes. If some of the personalities are psychotic, as in this movie, the tension would become unbearable to the point of explosion. And anyone who thinks that personalities like those portrayed in the movie don't actually exist has led a very sheltered life.

The sailing scenes are realistic - the motion of the boat, the feeling of vulnerability in the open ocean, how danger or an emergency can appear suddenly, the necessity for even the inexperienced to pitch in and help. Jurgen, who I have heard is a sailor in real life, moves naturally through all the duties of a captain.

The twist ending came out of the blue and did not work for me. However, till then the movie was involving and I enjoyed it.

This is a real psychological study. Poor Jurgen ends up with a couple of beautiful, two bit performers who coerce him into taking them to Barbados. Unfortunately, the trip is four weeks and along the way, their personalities begin to clash, with deadly consequences. One is selfish and jealous, the other grows strong but has a psychotic side. Prochnow's Captain is Diabetic and this proves to be the biggest complication when one of the jealous females decides to use it against him. The dynamics on board are interesting. Both women are gorgeous, which complicates things as well. There is sexual tension all over the place. The name of the ship is "Bella Donna" which, of course, is a plant that is used to extract deadly poison. The movie does work pretty well as the three do everything to destroy what there is between them. I won't spoil the ending, but it certainly grabs the viewer.

This is an okay film except for the final plot twist which makes absolutely no sense given what has come before. The character development to justify this twist is non-existent and therefore the ending seems to have been done only for the shock value. It isn't shock, but rather disgust, that the viewer will be left with. Disgust at such an obvious and phony trick to end the film. Like I said, I liked the film but the ending spoiled the whole picture.