Dinosaur Island

*SPOILER ALERT* *SPOILER ALERT*

It's 10:00 p.m. on Friday night and I just had a shot of jack and finished off my third beer. This party is out of control! I just watched "Dinosaur Island" followed by an episode of "Black Tie Nights" on Cinemax. This couple was on a date and then they had sex. That's the show. Genius eh?

Speaking of genius, "Dinosaur Island" was a T&A spectacular. Three army guys crash land on the island of the prehistoric breast implants. They must prove themselves worthy of their big bouncy affection by slaying the really cheap dinosaur that prowls the island. The girls are confused by the new arrivals in their midst. "What is this thing you men call love?" The guys are ready to shed the cavegirl's clothes and get this party started on a Saturday night.

Once again, I must give praise where it's due. Michelle Bauer is the real deal. As the women pair off with the men, Michelle chooses the fattest loser to hook up with. She gives hope to all of us dorks out here every time she rips off her bra. Thank you Michelle for getting naked for us again. There are plenty of other women who take their tops off as well. So that's good too.

All of the dinosaur scenes were ridiculously cheap but I didn't mind. You don't think I actually watched this for the dinosaurs do you? Of course not. Anyway, "Dinosaur Island" is a good T&A flick. It's worth a look for B-movie lovers.

One last thing, keep an eye out for Nikki Fritz who shows up at the very beginning of the movie. I thought she looked familiar but I didn't realize it was her until after the credits rolled. She is the High Priestess who has her breasts painted blue and dances around like a stripper. Apparently the dinosaur is attracted to the human sacrifice by the hypnotic gyrations of cavewoman pole dancing.

Just reading the credits alone for this film caught the eyes of the Eye Candy Hall of Fame academy. It is a joint product of the auteurs Wynorski and Olen Ray, known for their unique visual style, classy special effects, and strong women characters. It stars All-Century team beauty Michelle Bauer. It has dinosaurs on an island roaming free before they were confined to zoos. Upon watching the film, the real pleasure was the star-turning performances of Antonia Dorian and Griffin Drew. Ms. Drew is a very gifted actor and earned 2nd team All-Century status with her charm, which was especially evident during the healing scene. All three leading ladies and some minor characters help elevate this film beyond just a travelogue. We don't know how, but we would all enjoy seeing more of these lovely women.

This movie is so bad, that it's actually somewhat likable. This has everything that a bad movie should have, including horrible dialogue, laughable special effects, and women who were cast because of their cup sizes. But unlike many atrocious movies, this one didn't bore me, and I actually enjoyed a few scenes. I wouldn't go so far as to recommend it, but it does have a certain charm.

With an old school fantasy artwork front cover I was drawn to Dinosaur Island even though I knew from experience this was likely to be not only a T&A film but also pretty darn bad.

Regarding the T&A there is plenty, yet somehow someway it is not only tasteful but mostly directly related to the plot.

Regarding the quality it's a mixed bag. The movie actually looks quite good, the location and costume design is solid but when the sfx come into the equation it all falls apart. I'm not saying the sfx are bad I'm saying they're awful. The dinosaurs are stop motion animation and looked at home back in the 60's so there is no excuse for a 1994 film.

Yes the film isn't supposed to be taken seriously and is essentially a comedy but those sfx are beyond bad.

Thankfully the script is okay and there are genuine laughs to be had, the whole movie reminded me of Cave Girl (1985) except Cave Girl didn't reach beyond its means and had far more of a charm.

For what it is Dinosaur Island isn't bad but as a whole it's not something I could ever confidently recommend to anyone.

The Good:

Some decent efforts at humour

Tasteful well done T&A scenes

The Bad:

SFX that were on point in the 60's

Things I Learnt From This Movie:

Trained military with automatic weapons will have no effect on a raging t-rex but a bunch of scantily clad girls with sticks will scare it off

Boobs squeezing is the no.1 fighting technique for amazons

The infamous beast of the cave is the offspring of a xenomorph and a muppet

As a collector and fan of B-movies, I'd have to put this one high on my most-valued list. It's literally overflowing with genre talent, most notably as a collaboration between two of the finest modern B-movie directors: Jim Wynorski and Fred Olen Ray. Also, it's got a killer cast, featuring Michelle Bauer (HOLLYWOOD CHAINSAW HOOKERS), Griffin Drew (BIKINI HOE DOWN), Richard Gabai (VIRGIN HIGH), Nikki Fritz (ATTACK OF THE 60-FOOT CENTERFOLD), and Antonia Dorian (BARE WENCH PROJECT). Sure, the jokes are cheesy. Sure, that "dinosaur" effect isn't quite Stan Winston quality. However, there's some things Hollywood can never duplicate, and that's the feel of a good B-movie with lots of scream queens. Here's hoping they never stop making movies like this.