Night Trackers

Okay, don't take this rating too seriously. 'Night Trackers' can't be compared to 'Citizen Kane', 'Gone with the Wind', or even any of the 'Friday the 13th' movies. I saw it on television the year it premiered, and remember finding it hysterical! The plot involved a research facility mixing DNA with dangerous results- plants and animals posing a serious threat to the nearby townsfolk. Some woman and her lame actor kid are somehow involved, as is a local sheriff. I don't remember much, but I know one man stole the show: Kurtz- The Scientic Experiment Gone Wrong! Big, bald, mean, and suffering from the worst make-up job in the history of bad films, this guys gorilla/man-hybrid DNA must have got tainted with Play D'oh! Give him his candy and wish him a Happy Halloween...Yep, he looks that bad (picture the facial features of Tony Danza, Joe Rogan and Matt LeBlanc combined with those of a retarded gorilla). When he's chasing our protagonists he may seem dangerous, but the bad, bad, BAD acting make him appear ridiculous! He gets shot often, but nothing can harm him or his orange/red jumpsuit. Jason Vorhees nor any other horror movie icon need not worry here: The guy who played him is remembered in his own dreams only. The final take down scene is classic: Kurtz is tripped while being tricked into the basement, and falls down a flight of stairs. . Our protagonists unload a cap gun on his sorry ass- but Kurtz is not fazed, and fueled like Superman on crack, his objective is clear: kill all Canadian bad actors (suicide would have to be his last deadly sin). As the bullets run out, our ho-hum sheriff proceeds to pistol whip our villain, causing Kurtz's brow to become more furrowed. Getting too close, our sheriff gets caught in the deadly grip of Kurtz and his super-human strength. As an aside, both me, my younger brother, and my cousins- who caught it when younger- often wondered if the sheriff died-but that is only one of a million questions 'Night Trackers' causes one to ask. After dealing with our hero, Kurtz slowly proceeds to stumble across the floor towards our heroine and her son. Then, a twist: an unknown man dressed in a suit shows up, yells "Kurtz!" (who proceeds to turn around on cue) and shoots him with a dart of some kind. Horse tranquilizers possibly- gotta keep Tony Danza happy. The last scene is useless, as Kurtz does not appear in it. I saw it years later, and proceeded to tape as many Kurtz scenes as possible. It lasts roughly five minutes in total, and I'd really have to search to find that tape, but when it comes down to it, 'Night Trackers', a Canadian television movie, provides a laugh even on the darkest days! Thumbs Up, wish it was available on DVD, but that will never, EVER happen.