Shanghai Surprise

The thought struck me recently that this movie was unfavorably received by critics and audiences alike at the time of its release (1986) because of the celebrity status of the two leading stars - Madonna and Sean Penn. But, if you watch the movie today, some twenty five years later, and if you are able to put the hype and the celebrity status of those two stars out of your mind, then, the movie doesn't seem so bad. In fact, it's actually a pretty good escapist adventure romp along the lines of an Indiana Jones movie.

I watched this movie for the first time just recently, as I was scared away from viewing it all those many years prior, simply because of all the negative hype surrounding it - the hype that said it was a real stinker. But I actually found it to be a pretty engrossing story, with a nicely done cinematography that oozed a colorful, exotic, sometimes even enchanting Oriental atmosphere that was hard to dismiss. Some of the shots, as filmed, were... beautiful! So don't let 1980's critics scare you away: this movie is worth a shot, and if you can mentally distill the two leads down to just being a guy and a girl from 1930's America thrust into an adventure escapade set in a faraway exotic locale, then you just might enjoy this movie for what it was meant to be: pure escapist entertainment.

Not perfect, but then again, NOT the stinker it has been made out to be.

OK. So someone took an A-list actor and his famous singer/ part time kind of-sort of actress wife and decided that the movie would be carried on the weight of the names alone. Substitute "fiancee" for wife and one has Gigli.

But it is not- it is Shanghai Surprise, possibly the most ill-conceived movie of the 1980's (and yes, I have seen "Hobgoblins.")

This movie has no redeeming qualities whatsoever. Ridiculous plot, painfully bad acting (Madonna as a missionary? She didn't buy it either, so she says her lines in a flat tone which just screams "get me out of this costume and get me my check"), cinematography worthy of an old episode of "Fantasy Island," lame ending.

If, by some chance, you stumble across a copy of this in an unused corner of your local video rental store, call your local hazardous waste disposal hotline- do not rent it.

But do not forget that this horror exists. Some people forgot- and thus "Gigli" was born.

In 1938 China, a pretty but prim missionary needs to find a hidden stash of smuggled opium (for medicinal purposes!) and attempts to recruit the help of a ratty-looking con-man; his latest get-rich-quick scheme is glow-in-the-dark ties! After an OK opening (without Sean Penn and Madonna), this falls completely apart, weighed down by lethargic attempts at screwball comedy and no chemistry whatsoever between the leads (then a married couple). Based on Tony Kenrick's novel "Faraday's Flowers" (a better title), this failure from George Harrison's HandMade Films must have been a devastating blow to the ex-Beatle, who also executive produced, co-wrote the score and wrote and performed the songs (which are heavy on the camp-Asian allure). Just getting through the picture is a chore, and everything about it seems eternally misjudged. NO STARS from ****

I can't think of a single thing to recommend about this turgid load of old codswallop.

I can't even imagine who they thought this would appeal to.

Madonna can't act the film has zero intrigue, suspense, or involvement. Not a single character is engaging. The entire film can only be compared to a mild migraine that you can't wait to be over.

Penn is miscast and Madonna has a straight, subdued, do-gooder role that's a big conceptual mistake - it saps her of energy and fun. Excruciatingly dull and dreary - even the location shooting in Hong Kong cannot save it. * out of 4.