The Patriot

Starring the most ludicrous, unlikely 'leading man' - Gregg Henry - 'The Patriot' (not to be confused with any other 'The Patriot') is an oaf-heavy 1980's big-hair blow from start to finish.

Gregg's a mean-ass, biker/military type, who just happens to pop in for a beer at the same bar a gang who've just stolen two hydrogen bombs are at . .

Looking uncomfortably tough/camp in his leather jacket, and bovine from the neck up, Gregg quickly gets involved in terrorism and action. Mightily duff one-liners, scowling and Leslie Nielsen cameos hindering him not one jot.

Ratatat . . . Boom !!

Nothing to see here, ppl.

It's not a 1, because you can't help but laugh at its lethargic plot hilarious 'characters' and woeful acting. Its ability to successfully not explain anything at all is a miracle of its own right, nevermind the stupidity of the badguys (hard of hearing too).

Fight scenes are ineptly shot, the underwater combat is just plain confusing as you can't tell who you're looking at during any one sequence (plus lovely editing means you're never sure if it's 3 seconds or 3 hours later).

Ah, terrible, so very very terrible. If this ever received anything other than the "Straight to Video" treatment then I'd be very surprised.

I payed to see this in the theater when it came out. My friend that went with me still hasn't forgiven me. For years after that this movie was our metric for measuring bad movies, as in "Man, that movie stunk almost as bad as The Patriot".

The only part of this movie I remember is when the good guy is storming an abandoned, rusty, offshore oil rig where the bad guys are, and he knocks one of the bad guys into the water. The bad guy sinks, but his M16 rifle floats...

I followed up the viewing of this movie with Sky Pirates about a week later. After that stinker ("man that was almost worse than The Patriot") my roommate stopped listening to my suggestions for movies to see.

I've found a TV channel that seems to be showing the whole back catalogue of the 'Crown International Pictures' production company and so far their output seems to have been pretty hopeless. THE PATRIOT is a cheap, poorly-cast action thriller that feels like an American Bond flick, with a loquacious cowboy taking on the role of the hero and some nondescript terrorists plotting to commit various atrocities.

Let's be honest here: this is poor stuff indeed, ineptly directed and with very tame and insipid action sequences. The real story seems to take forever to get going and when it finally does you wonder if it was worth it. The only thing this has going for it is a mini UNDER SIEGE scenario at the climax in which the hero and his buddies climb onto a ship populated by hijackers.

The erstwhile hero of the piece is played by the miscast Gregg Henry, better known to audiences for playing scuzzy characters in the likes of PAYBACK and SLITHER. Old timers Michael J. Pollard and Leslie Nielsen show up, the latter with such a deep voice that it sounds like he was dubbed. Everywhere THE PATRIOT is tame and predictable, and only huge fans of cheap 1980s cinema will get a kick out of it.

The Patriot is a truly awful 80s action movie. In fact, it is so terrible that I thought it might have been a spoof until the blood started to flow. This film is poorly made, badly directed and something of a grazing ground for incompetent actors. And yet, it is also funny and mindlessly entertaining in a way that only 80s action trash can be.

The plot, if you could call it that, revolves around an ex-Navy Seal called Ryder. Ryder would have to be one of the most personality free action heroes in the history of cinema. If he's not mumbling something to one of his badly permed lady friends in the local bar, he's visiting a demented couple on a houseboat who play Twister dressed as high school students. In addition to these activities, Ryder is also called on by the Navy to stop the detonation of a stolen nuclear weapon. This proves to be rather straightforward due to a friend of Ryder conveniently finding the label from a missing nuke at her workplace. The coincidences continue when Ryder runs into his ex-lover on a Navy ship and we are treated to an incredibly unpleasant lovemaking scene between this most unattractive of couples. The film reaches a new low when two of the thieves dance to 80s pop music while unloading the nuke and then debate going to Disneyland.

There really is no excuse for this smörgåsbord of incompetence. The film was written by Katt Shea of "Poison Ivy" and "Stripped To Kill" fame, the budget appears to have been substantial given the scope of the special effects and Gregg Henry, who plays Ryder, is usually a very good actor. I guess this is just one of those ill-fated projects that inexplicably ends up being terrible. However, the incredibly dull direction, multitude of goofs and appalling supporting cast would not have helped matters.

Despite all the film's flaws, I could not help but find "The Patriot" mildly amusing. For example, Ryder's reunion with Sean, complete with Vietnam war back story, is so contrived and ridiculous that I had to laugh. The same goes for Jeff Conaway's crazy-eyed performance and the bumbling villains ("What's a Hiroshima?"). The action itself, while poorly handled, is still moderately entertaining. Maggie's decompression chamber mishap was my personal highlight.

The Patriot is not a film I would want to watch again but it is probably worth watching on TV if you are heavily medicated and there is nothing else on but re-runs of "Designing Women". Fans of bad 80s action movies or Leslie Nielsen might find it more bearable.