The Patriot

I payed to see this in the theater when it came out. My friend that went with me still hasn't forgiven me. For years after that this movie was our metric for measuring bad movies, as in "Man, that movie stunk almost as bad as The Patriot".

The only part of this movie I remember is when the good guy is storming an abandoned, rusty, offshore oil rig where the bad guys are, and he knocks one of the bad guys into the water. The bad guy sinks, but his M16 rifle floats...

I followed up the viewing of this movie with Sky Pirates about a week later. After that stinker ("man that was almost worse than The Patriot") my roommate stopped listening to my suggestions for movies to see.

Thieves steal a nuclear warhead from the American military. An ex-serviceman - who doesn't play by the rules - is called back into service to retrieve the missile.

This 80's action movie was directed by Frank Harris who also gave us Killpoint (1984). Both films are pretty shoddily put together, although Killpoint just shades this one in terms of entertainment value. Still, I have to say that for the most part I found The Patriot to be adequately okay in a time-passing sense. Its story is both simple yet confusingly told. But it still essentially manages to string together a series of action scenes that justifies its existence. It's also one of those movies which imply that acts of international terrorism involving high risk theft of nuclear weapons could possibly be carried out by disco dancing dunces who appear to possess the IQ of an Alsatian dog. Although this film also puts forward the idea that the American government would hand in a nuclear warhead to a shop to be mended! The cast is led by a guy called Gregg Henry who spends the entire time scowling at everybody and everything, Stack Pierce from Killpoint returns here as a genuinely evil looking dude, while there are a couple of small roles from name actors Leslie Nielsen (in a surreal comedy-free cameo) and Michael J. Pollard plays a character whose relevance to the story I am still trying to work out. On the whole, this is not very good but it is what it is.

It's not a 1, because you can't help but laugh at its lethargic plot hilarious 'characters' and woeful acting. Its ability to successfully not explain anything at all is a miracle of its own right, nevermind the stupidity of the badguys (hard of hearing too).

Fight scenes are ineptly shot, the underwater combat is just plain confusing as you can't tell who you're looking at during any one sequence (plus lovely editing means you're never sure if it's 3 seconds or 3 hours later).

Ah, terrible, so very very terrible. If this ever received anything other than the "Straight to Video" treatment then I'd be very surprised.

Starring the most ludicrous, unlikely 'leading man' - Gregg Henry - 'The Patriot' (not to be confused with any other 'The Patriot') is an oaf-heavy 1980's big-hair blow from start to finish.

Gregg's a mean-ass, biker/military type, who just happens to pop in for a beer at the same bar a gang who've just stolen two hydrogen bombs are at . .

Looking uncomfortably tough/camp in his leather jacket, and bovine from the neck up, Gregg quickly gets involved in terrorism and action. Mightily duff one-liners, scowling and Leslie Nielsen cameos hindering him not one jot.

Ratatat . . . Boom !!

Nothing to see here, ppl.

The Patriot is a truly awful 80s action movie. In fact, it is so terrible that I thought it might have been a spoof until the blood started to flow. This film is poorly made, badly directed and something of a grazing ground for incompetent actors. And yet, it is also funny and mindlessly entertaining in a way that only 80s action trash can be.

The plot, if you could call it that, revolves around an ex-Navy Seal called Ryder. Ryder would have to be one of the most personality free action heroes in the history of cinema. If he's not mumbling something to one of his badly permed lady friends in the local bar, he's visiting a demented couple on a houseboat who play Twister dressed as high school students. In addition to these activities, Ryder is also called on by the Navy to stop the detonation of a stolen nuclear weapon. This proves to be rather straightforward due to a friend of Ryder conveniently finding the label from a missing nuke at her workplace. The coincidences continue when Ryder runs into his ex-lover on a Navy ship and we are treated to an incredibly unpleasant lovemaking scene between this most unattractive of couples. The film reaches a new low when two of the thieves dance to 80s pop music while unloading the nuke and then debate going to Disneyland.

There really is no excuse for this smörgåsbord of incompetence. The film was written by Katt Shea of "Poison Ivy" and "Stripped To Kill" fame, the budget appears to have been substantial given the scope of the special effects and Gregg Henry, who plays Ryder, is usually a very good actor. I guess this is just one of those ill-fated projects that inexplicably ends up being terrible. However, the incredibly dull direction, multitude of goofs and appalling supporting cast would not have helped matters.

Despite all the film's flaws, I could not help but find "The Patriot" mildly amusing. For example, Ryder's reunion with Sean, complete with Vietnam war back story, is so contrived and ridiculous that I had to laugh. The same goes for Jeff Conaway's crazy-eyed performance and the bumbling villains ("What's a Hiroshima?"). The action itself, while poorly handled, is still moderately entertaining. Maggie's decompression chamber mishap was my personal highlight.

The Patriot is not a film I would want to watch again but it is probably worth watching on TV if you are heavily medicated and there is nothing else on but re-runs of "Designing Women". Fans of bad 80s action movies or Leslie Nielsen might find it more bearable.