Monster High

When I worked on this movie in 1989 I was new to the business and could tell nobody was out to make a masterpiece or win any awards except maybe in a few cases and then masterpiece would be the wrong word. (Some that worked on this movie have gone on to win big big awards) I am trying to say that on any movie most of the cast and crew (above the line included) work hard and it is well known that it will be great if the movie is released at all, in any market or format. (I suppose some might hope just the opposite, thus the Alan Smithee credit). "Monster High" was just a comedy and was not trying to hard to be great. Just to be fun and silly and great in it's own way. I think, IMHO, it did just this. If I remember right anything that would get it a R rating such as nakedness was shot after principal photography was finished. (I am not sure what it's final rating is) It was a lot of fun and hard work and I had a easy job kind of... DTz'r

Two bald aliens arrive on Earth with the Doomsday Device, something they have stolen from their own alien planet, much to the behest of the Monster-in-Charge. They unwittingly unleash Mr. Armageddon (David Marriott) upon an all-American high school, and soon this long- fingernailed-bringer-of-doom is busy a-rapin', a-killin', and basically a-f****n' with every kid in the school. Dorky loner Norm (Dean Iandoli) is too busy lusting after foreign exchange student Candice Cane (get it - played by Diana Frank) to notice the arrival of horny gargoyle statues, the living dead, and deadly giant marijuana plants. But when he does, he strikes a deal with Armageddon to have basketball game to end all games, and possibly the world.

I'm sure you can gather from the description that this isn't a film to take too seriously. It's a very 80's high school horror/sex flick that is very aware of what it's target audience wants - blood, tits, and goofy humour. And it delivers all that in abundance. It has everything a shlock hound could want. Where else can you find a monster with a computer for a head? Or a teen that gets eaten by his shoes? Or alien twins that were failed rappers on their own planet? Probably nowhere. This is of course an awful film. But where it lacks in subtlety and intelligence, it makes up for in sheer volume and creativity.

The edits come thick and fast. The film cuts back and forth between different characters and locations as if it were filmed by a giddy teenager. This approach certainly keeps the film fun and interesting, which is undoubtedly the sole aim of the film. Fans of Troma will love it, as will fans of 80's teen sex flicks such as Porky's and zero-taste gross-out comedies a la Animal House. Special mention must go to the creation of Mr. Armageddon, who dons a crap cape and a long pinky fingernail, and has a voice which is deeper than Barry White. Clearly actor David Marriott, who had a short career starring in B-movie action films, is having a great time, as did I watching him. I feel guilty that I liked this film, as it is indeed awful.

Lately I find myself hopelessly over the hill, frantically scrambling for vestiges of my long-gone youth to validate my current adult existence. Being that I'm only twenty makes this kind of hard, and besides, I spent my adolescence watching the Gilbert Gottfried magnum opus USA Up All Night. I remembered that as a youngster I enjoyed the Up All Night staple "Monster High", which usually aired after "Dr. Alien" or "Surf Nazis Must Die".

Watching it again now, I found it pretty stupid. I think the reason that I liked it as a ten-year-old was that this movie seems to have been made by ten-year-olds (not unlike "Bats"). It's packed with corny jokes and pointless scenes, and has some pretty awful acting, even worse and over-blown than Shannon Elizabeth in "Scary Movie", and that's no easy feat.

However, I must applaud the sheer volume of stuff that they packed into this, a "quantity over quality" sort of thing. This movie has got a mummy, a zombie, a killer computer nerd robot, a walking gargoyle, a huge, sentient clump of marijuana, shoes that eat people, and two aliens so annoying they seem to have come from Planet Charles Nelson Reilly. These ghoul's ring-leader is Mr. Armageddon, the embodiment of all evil, who kind of looks like a doughy, aged Corey Feldman.

Oh, I figured out another reason that I liked this- there's a cute girl playing the female love interest. What's odd is, the girl and her breasts are played by two different actresses, so every time a scene calls for nudity (which is often, remember, this was made by ten-year-old boys) they cut to a disorienting shot of a headless torso. This made me wonder: The gal playing the lead was pretty awful actress, but they wanted her so desperately that they were willing to let her use a body double? There was no other actress that was just as bad AND would show her breasts? Weird.

Anyway, this is a pretty simple-minded, innocuous bit of entertainment. The people making it were probably having a lot of fun, and there are a few funny bits (like the finale's "basketball on the rim" gag, worthy of a "Naked Gun" movie). If you're a little kid or a heavy drinker you'll probably love it.

My review was written in February 1990 after watching the movie on RCA/Columbia video cassette.

This hokey horror spoof was made in 1988 but barely passes muster as a belated direct-to-video release.

Loaded down with voice-over narration and other clumsy devices, pic purports to mock the teen slasher genre but is as cliched as its forerunners.

Dumb cover story has a Mr. Armageddon from Outer Space visiting Earth (at Montgomery Sterling High School in L. A.)in pursuit of two jerks Dume and Glume from the planet Polyester who have stolen a doomsday device (that looks like a basketball).

Various monsters show up pointlessly and kill coeds until a basketball game of students versus monsters is organized. The kids win and stave off destruction for another thousand years.

Film's bad puns and silly attempts at horror are hard to take. Nondescript cast goes through the motions with the young women undoing their louses with clockwork regularity.

Overreliance on voice-over smacks of post-production tampering.

I have seen a lot of bad films, but I tend to find some points of amusement or enjoyment in most of them. However, this is not the case with this movie. While some films can get away with virtually no plot, this film cannot. In addition, the monsters were ridiculous, the jokes were awful, and the basketball scenes were the worst I have ever seen. Simply a terrible film.