Teen Vamp

This movie has about as much charisma as a small plastic soapdish from the dollar store. Even Clu Gulager as an over the top Midwestern minister cannot add much life though he gives it the college try. I sought it out for the presence of Angie Brown, an actress who made about five movies during the 1980's & then seems to have vanished off the face of the planet -- her other big film was the backwoods slasher DON'T GO IN THE WOODS. Here she plays the secretly psychotic love interest of a young schmuck or putzanoid nerd who turns into Fonzie after having a hotel room tryst with a hooker vampiress who's three minutes in the film are it's most interesting moments ... Until Ms. Brown starts going the psycho route (she isn't bad!) and a gym coach demands & gets 50 push-ups from his star football player turned vampire. Now THAT was new.

But I honestly don't know what to make of this film. The most expensive asset used in the production was the film stock it was shot on. The sets and costumes are all everyday pre-existing clothes or locations, the cast is made up of non-actors who were probably overjoyed to be in the production but didn't really do anything else afterward. The film purports to mix American Graffiti type 1950's period antics, 80's teen comedy movie formula convention (complete with actors in their mid 20s pretending to be 17 year old high schoolers), and of course the vampire angle. The idea had some potential, and the production was no doubt green-lighted after the unlikely success of the TEEN WOLF franchise. This movie was a product of greed, not artistic vision, and a perfect example of the home rental video age. Empty, disposable, forgettable, and over quickly enough so you can fit in three rentals of equally dismal garbage into one night of brain-dead viewing and not experience anything that might distract you from your life as a consumer.

The reason the film doesn't work is partly the plodding, uninteresting way it was filmd, and that the actor who got the lead role has about as much of a screen presence as the aforementioned soap dish. He starts the film looking and acting like an off-Broadway Potsie and is supposedly "changed" by his experience. Other than giving him an off-the rack leather jacket that doesn't quite fit (it's too big) and a greaser haircut, he doesn't look or act significantly different, coming across as a shrimp trying to act up the Jason Patric LOST BOYS part and unable to keep it up. The other commenter's assessment of the film's characters being unlikeable is also somewhat fitting. Not only do they fail to create enough interest for us to care about what might happen to them, they mostly come across as either fake character roles in a low-budget film, or losers who we actually would prefer to see bad things happen to. The problem with the film is that nothing really does happen to anyone, and in the end it appears to have simply been a Mastercard budget LOST BOYS ripoff with the added 50's period angle to make it appear different & tap into the "I WAS A TEENAGE WHATEVER" nostalgia. On paper it sounds kind of fun, but the execution is too plodding, pedestrian, lacking finesse and happy to be that way. It's not even bad enough to enjoy on a "bad movie" level, and ultimately just sort of sucks. The only reason to even consider seeing it would be due to it's complete obscurity. You won't find this on Netflix, and for some of us that is reason enough to give it a shot.

The film also has a curious agenda to it that strikes me as being somewhat queer-oriented. Nothing wrong with that, but aside from an extended image of "Bucky", the film's villain jock character, leaning stark naked against the wall in the boy's locker room shower (??) there is no nudity or sexual content in this vampire movie, and vampire movies are or should be about sex. Here is a movie that appears to be in the closet and has no sex, other than an extended image of an athletic 20 year old man's bared bottom -- Live it up, girls!! Mind you I have zero problem with Focus Group Horror catering to specific sects of viewers so this may indeed be a Gay Teen Vampire Horror/Comedy movie in disguise. The question is, was that the intent or just happened to have been the result? (DON'T GO IN THE WOODS also has an undeniably gay subtext to it, so I sense a linking theme implied here just by the presence of Ms. Brown). But since I don't care about the movie since it doesn't even care about itself the prospect of a subtextural agenda doesn't even become an intriguing prospect, only an annoying quirk to puzzle over. Without any charisma and generating no real interest the film remains a relic of the 1980s video rental boom years which is where it should probably remain. I don't dislike the film yet I cannot recommend it either, merely note it's existence. And that's kind of a shame: the premise is interesting but the way it was executed isn't.

3/10. "Anemic."

This horrible film was shot at my old High School. My older brother was going there at the time, but didn't try to be an extra -- the moron! I remember hearing all the excitement over the film as a kid. I also remember being aloud to watch it once it got on video ... which was great, since it showed boobies and I was like ... 12!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So, by default, it might be the most important film ever made for people who grew up in South Bossier City!. So, hail to the red. Hail to the white. Hail alter mater, hail to her might. (Go Parkway) True faith full students. True faithful students. We praise thee to the sky, Loyal forever to Parkway High Gooooooooooooooo Panthers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

During the days when the video rental store reigned, this obscure horror comedy actually managed to get two releases on VHS (though the second time was on a budget video label.) But watching the movie, one has to ask why ANYONE would think that this movie was releasable in the first place. It's not that much of a step up from what teenagers would make with access to a video camera. The movie looks really cheap for the most part, maybe because some expense was made to set the action in the 1950s, a decision that has absolutely no bearing on the story - it would have been easier to set the story in modern times and use the saved money to punch up the look (and audio) of the movie. Also, the movie tries to be a comedy, but there's nothing funny about the screenplay as written, and things are made worse by the fact that director Samuel Bradford (who also wrote the movie) doesn't seem able to set up any gags with any skill or energy. In fact, the whole movie moves in a sluggish and endless manner. And don't get me started on the fact that the actor playing the title character looks about 30 years old instead of a teenager. This is one movie that was made to gather dust in thrift stores.

My review was written in May 1989 after watching the movie on New World video cassette.

Only related by title to New World's "Vamp", "Teen Vamp" is an amateurish, Southern-fried horror comedy with little to offer home video fans.

Shot in Shreveport, Louisiana, on an evidently threadbare budget, pic wallows in '50s nostalgia for a nonstory of nerd Beau Bishop transformed (very unconvincingly) into a leather-jacketed hip dude after a prostitute at a road house bites him.

His vampire status is taken very matter-of-factly by all concerned, except his pretty girlfriend Angie Brown, who demands he bite her too!

Cornpone approach to the vampire genre doesn't work, and isn't helped by amateur sound recording, poor makeup effects and a far too talky script. Guest stars Karen Carlson as Bishop's mom and Clu Gulager as a hammy minister have little to do. Bishop's charmless performance is a drag.

I can totally see why this movie unknown. Par for the course.

Not entirely sure what writers and/or directors were going for comedy? Horror? Schlock? B-movie? Total miss on all of the above. I couldn't muster a laugh on any of it. But you could see that they were trying really hard to make you laugh.

Total unknown actors. Acting is obviously the worst I've seen lately.

I think it was an attempt to capitalize on Teen Wolf with Michael J Fox except with a vampire. These two movies don't even come close to comparison. This was more like a home movie project gone horribly wrong.

Don't watch it.