Teen Wolf Too

I am going to start out by admitting that even though I think the original Teen Wolf is a pretty stupid movie, I actually like it quite a bit. I don't know what it is about it that I like, but for the last couple of months I've found myself watching my copy of Teen Wolf about once a week.

I decided to purchase (you gotta OWN these titles, that's the fun of it.) a copy of Teen Wolf Too on eBay for $4. The only other time I had seen this movie was when I was in 4th grade, which was over a decade ago. I didn't remember much about it, save a couple of moments involving Chubby.

I just finished watching the movie for the first time in 11 years, and I can say with complete certainty that this is one of the worst movies I've seen in a LONG time. In many ways, this is the *perfect* bad sequel... The first film wasn't especially good or commercially successful, so it seems pointless to have even considered making another chapter in the Teen Wolf saga. They also weren't able to get the big star of the first movie (Michael J. Fox) to come back, so they instead focused on his cousin, whose personality is almost exactly the same. Even further, they decided to bring back a few of the characters from the first movie, only two of which are played by the same actors. Stiles, who was corny but funny in Teen Wolf, has been replaced by an actor who isn't nearly as convincing or amusing. Coach Finstock, who was the only genuinely funny character in the first film, is now played by a man whose line delivery made me laugh exactly zero times throughout the course of the film.

These discrepancies aside, the plot of this film is crap. It's basically exactly the same as the original, only even more sketchy. Anyone who hasn't seen Teen Wolf will probably not be able to make sense of the plot, not that any of them would actually watch this ridiculous film in its entirety.

I could probably write a fairly long essay on the problems with this movie, but I'm limited to 1000 words here. I would comment more on the many specific elements that make this movie stupid, but I don't want to waste more of anyone's time. And since I'm trying to keep you from wasting your time, then I will recommend that you do not watch this movie. Ever. Anyone who says that this movie is not that bad is wrong.

After a lifetime of watching movies and searching for the greatest moment in cinematic history, I've finally found it. Is it Orson Welles' breathless death-rattle of `. . . rosebud.' In Citizen Kane? No. How about Al Pacino giving Fredo the kiss of death in Godfather II? Try again. What about Peter Finch screaming into the Network camera `I'm mad as hell, and I'm not gonna take it ANYMORE!' . . . not even close.

Are you ready? Here it is: the greatest moment in contemporary motion picture history is . . . in Teen Wolf Too when Jason Bateman (as the Wolf) runs across the park, leaps through the air in slow motion, and comes down with a Frisbee in his mouth-all without losing that stupid hat he had on!

Oh, but this film is peppered with other fantastic gems. Like the part where the Wolf and Chubby where cruising around in the University Corvette (what, your school didn't have one?) and they almost ran that guy on the bike over and the Wolf just kept laughing and laughing--good times; or what about when Chubby was in the ring and he bounced the smaller guy into the ropes, put his hand on his hip, twirled his fist and knocked the kid out; ew! ew! ew! I know! What about when the Wolf was singing `Do You Love Me!' Remember? When he had that little suit on and he was strutting his choreographed stuff with the team of wannabe Solid Gold Dancers? Box office dynamite!

I don't remember a huge portion of this film, because the part of my brain that controls my higher cognitive functions shut down somewhere between the part where Chubby farts and Stiles sits in the smell and the part where the science teacher walks away from Gomez Addams with a tail wagging from under her skirt. Just thinking about it makes my lobes tingle and go numb.

If there was one thing worse than the moron who played Stiles in Teen Wolf, it has got to be the guy that played Stiles in Teen Wolf Too. Oh my God that guy was horrible. The only highlight of this movie was when Stiles gets punched-out in between rounds of the big climactic fight scene-I like it because I've convinced myself that it was an outtake and he REALLY got hit. Take THAT Stuart Fratkin! What was he thinking? `Yeah, I landed a SWEET gig on Teen Wolf Too-I'm STILES! Just the springboard my career needs!' Yeah, look out DeNiro, here comes Stuart Fratkin.

My buddy Marc brought this movie over to my house and I'm not sure what to think. This is the same friend that exposed me to Pumpkinhead 2. The only thing I can figure is that he is one of many alien infiltrators sent to Earth to use bad movies to brainwash people into a zombie-like trance, making way for an alien take over. To those in a similar circumstance, I say RESIST! You're not taking my soul with Teen Wolf Too, Marc! I'm on to you fella!

Unfortunately Teen Wolf Too Is neither. I know what you're thinking, 'it's a film about a teenage who can turn into a werewolf, or course it's not meant to be realistic'. Fair point, but I know that whenever I see a person turn into a werewolf I at least react, usually by saying 'what the s**t is going on here?' That's the main problem I have with film. Jason Bateman turns into the werewolf in the middle of a boxing bout and the whole school starts cheering for the wolf, without even thinking 'wow, a dude just turned into a werewolf, that's a little unique'. THEY DIDN'T EVEN GIVE IT A SECOND THOUGHT. Possibly because the cast had seen the original Teen Wolf and knew that it is possible for college sports stars to morph into werewolves when they face adversity.

Unfortunately the rest of the film is pretty weak, with alleged jokes misfiring at regular intervals and Teen Wolf singing 'do you love me'. Don't really have to say anymore about that…

I wont give away the end, just in case people are reading this and thinking 'wow, its been out for 18 years but it's only now that I feel the need to get amongst this cinematic masterpiece', but will Teen wolf decide to face the world as himself or as the wolf? Only time will tell.

Does Hollywood ever learn? You can't top a film like 'Teen Wolf.' All you can do is defile its existence by producing a sequel like this. The movie isn't worth watching unless you're a Jason Bateman fanatic or a masochist.

The plot from the first movie is reduxed here, and poorly. The message is the same. The moral is the same. The only thing that's changed is the faces, because the majority of the cast from the first movie was wise to avoid this bomb. The dad from 'Teen Wolf' makes an appearance, and that's all I can remember (without checking the listing). A forgettable flop.

Teen Wolf Too (1987)

* (out of 4)

Todd Howard (Jason Bateman), the cousin of the teenage werewolf from the first film, finds himself in college on a sports scholarship even though he doesn't play sports. It turns out that Stiles (Stuart Fratkin) pretty much added him to the team hoping that he could have the same wolf powers. When it turns out Todd is a werewolf, his entire life changes.

TEEN WOLF was a film that most people make fun of or look at as a piece of trash but I've always had a soft spot for it. Yes, it's quite stupid but at the same time it was a fun movie with some good performances and for the most part it featured a character that a lot of young people could connect with. TEEN WOLF TOO, on the other hand, is pure garbage and the worst thing is that it's pretty lazy and just a boring rehash of the first picture.

Everything that happens in the first picture basically happens here, although the quality is much less. You've got a teenager struggling with life who finds himself becoming popular. The teen loves the popularity but soon realizes it is costing him real friends. He soon realizes that the party girl isn't what he wants. He realizes that the party life isn't what he wants. Does all of this sound familiar? If so, I'm sure you know how it ends.

Worst of all is the fact that all of the goofiness that worked in the first picture just doesn't work here. Bateman is a complete bore in the picture. Fratkin can't compete with the original actor. Even John Astin is wasted in a boring role. The film has a couple cast members from the original but even they can't add much here.

TEEN WOLF TOO is just a really lousy movie that was made to try and make money off of the original. There's nothing fresh or new here and the end result is a real turkey.