Crime au cimetière étrusque

The Scorpion With Two Tails features an interesting premise but feels underdeveloped and hastily made. It also becomes a drama when it perhaps would have been better off as horror. It essentially involves a woman who goes to Italy to investigate an Etruscan tomb after the death of her archaeologist husband. Because the Etruscans were so mysterious, the film explores interesting concepts like the Etruscan language and religious practices. The primary problem with the film is that it stumbles into the "eurocrime" genre as if to compensate for a plot that wasn't fully worked out, and next thing you know we're dealing with family members hiding drugs in the Etruscan tombs, gangsters, et cetera. Essentially the film becomes a crime thriller that is slow paced and isn't especially thrilling when it really should have gone the Jean Rollin horror route. The film is unsatisfying but is definitely worth a watch.

Director Sergio Martino started his directorial career in fine form, giving giallo fans several classics (my favourites being The Strange Vice of Mrs Wardh, Your Vice Is a Locked Room and Only I Have the Key and The Suspicious Death of a Minor); he also directed the entertainingly trashy cannibal flick Slave of the Cannibal God (1978). However, by the end of the '70s, it seemed as though he had lost his knack for thriller/horror movies: after the mediocre creature feature Island of Mutations (1979) and the atrocious Jaws rip-off The Great Alligator (also '79), Martino turned his back on gialli and scary films to concentrate on comedy and action, the one exception being The Scorpion With Two Tails.

John Saxon (Enter the Dragon, A Nightmare on Elm Street) plays American archaeologist Arthur Barnard, who discovers an ancient Etruscan tomb, but who is murdered shortly after, his head twisted so that it is facing backwards. Arthur's widow, Joan (Elvire Audray), travels to Italy to help the police with their investigations; while there, she uncovers a drug-smuggling operation masterminded by her father. Meanwhile, whoever killed Arthur is continuing their murderous ways, twisting various people's noggins 180 degrees.

Starting life as a TV mini-series comprising of seven one hour long episodes, The Scorpion With Two Tails was edited down to ninety-eight minutes and released as a feature; unsurprisingly, the film feels incredibly disjointed and is often confusing, but I have a sneaking suspicion that it didn't make much sense in its entirety either. Adding to the awfulness is the diabolical central performance from Audray (who was clearly cast for her looks), the repetitive gore-free killings, and numerous dull dialogue-heavy scenes. Fabio Frizzi provides the score, but repurposes much of his own music from Fulci's City of the Living Dead, which makes the whole thing feel even more cheap.

2.5/10, rounded up to 3 for the always reliable Saxon: if only he had been in the film for longer.

The video of this I rented features lots of "Americanized" Italian names. I get how "Paolo Malco" (from MST3k's "Escape 2000") became "Paul Malco", but how did "Sergio Martino" become "Christia Plummer"?

Anyhoo, this French/Italian coproduction tells the incredibly unengaging tale of some drugs hidden in some ancient burial tomb thingee and some other stuff happens and there may or may not be supernatural forces at work. Alan Hale jr-look-a-like Van Johnson (MST3k's "San Fransisco International") gives loooong expositional scenes, and John Saxon (MST3k's "Mitchell") gets his head twisted backwards (and apparently the killer also switched his right and left hands). Another victim looks like a cross between Michael Caine and Elmer Fishpaw from "Polyester". The music by Fabio Frizzi is just the score from "Gates of Hell" used again. The special effects are just maggots- maggots on photos, maggots on hands, maggots on statues.

Anyway, it should go without saying, but don't watch this movie.

(1982) The Scorpion with Two Tails/ Assassinio al cimitero etrusco DUBBED HORROR/ THRILLER

It has Joan Barnard (Elvire Audray) while in NYC having the same recurring nightmare/ proclamation regarding her ritual and her husband, Arthur Barnard (John Saxon) who happens to be an archeologist. And after a brief call from her husband, from Italy to NYC, he informs her he is bringing back 12 crates, it is there he is killed right on the spot by having his neck twisted. As a result of wanting to know what happened to her husband, she feels more than obligated to take a trip to the same archaeological sites her husband had visit ed. It was at this point we are introduced to many characters from the Contessa Maria Volumna (Marilù Tolo) and her goons as well as the racket Joan's dad, Mark Mulligan (Van Johnson) is involved in which happens to be heroin.

By looking at the big picture, this is supposed to be the horror equivalent of Raiders of the Lost Ark made one year prior to this one. There is not a single nude scene and the lead actress Elvire Audray herself at that particular time could have been mistaken for a Taylor Swift look-a-like. The most boring thing about this movie is the fact there are way too many characters. Viewers are kind of oblivious before have suddenly appear out of nowhere, whether he is related to Joan's husband or part of the group itself. And by the time viewers find out who the killer is, it made even less sense.

The Scorpion with Two Tails has all the makings of a great Giallo. Aside from the intriguing title, it's also directed by Sergio Martino; the same man who made some of the best Giallo's of the seventies with films such as The Strange Vice of Mrs Wardh, it's written by Ernesto Gastaldi; whose name will mean a lot to every Giallo fan worth their salt as he has written many of the best films that the genre has to offer, and on top of that - we've even got a performance from cult actor John Saxon. However, Martino clearly didn't have his penchant for directing by 1982, Gastaldi was having an off day and John Saxon's character lasts all of about two minutes! Like the earlier Giallo, The Dead Are Alive, this film focuses on the ancient 'Etruscan' civilisation. Joan Barnard, the wife of Arthur Barnard; a famous archaeologist is having problems. She's suffering from nightmares that focus around ancient tombs. Her woes increase when her husband calls from Italy and ends up getting his neck snapped mid-phone call! She then travels to Italy to investigate.

This film was apparently cut down from a television series, and I can only assume that they left the worst parts in! There's barely any excitement to speak of whatsoever, and this ensures that the film is very hard to care about. Add in some extremely unenthusiastic performances (unenthusiastic even by Italian horror standards!) and some silly fantasy crap and what we've ended up with here is one of the worst Giallo's ever made! It's a real shame too as this film blends in a few different styles and if Martino could have just pulled it all together better, this could definitely have sat alongside his more esteemed film credits. One of the few saving graces in this film is the music; but once you recognise it from The Beyond, the credibility soon dries up! At least the film manages to limp through with a decent finale; though once you've sat through the first eighty five minutes of the film, it could be the best ending of all time and most people would be unlikely to care. Overall, this is absolutely nothing to recommend this film for and I recommend that everyone skips it!