Island Claws

The screenwriters here go with a standard "recipe for disaster" scenario. A marine research lab on an island off the coast of Florida is playing with fire as they fool around with crustacean DNA. As the film opens, an accident has occurred at a nearby nuclear reactor. The stage is now set for scores of angry crabs to launch attacks on the natives - and for one mammoth crab that wreaks havoc on the town.

Roger Cormans' "Attack of the Crab Monsters" gets updated (sort-of) for the 1980s in this enjoyably cheesy thriller. It's co-written by Ricou Browning, who gained his fame playing the Creature from the Black Lagoon in underwater scenes 26 years previous. The director is Hernan Cardenas, who is no master craftsman, but adequately puts the story through its paces. The special effects are not all that special - the monster crab at the end can't do much of anything. But it's a good thing that its appearance occurs at night, which helps it to work somewhat better. Glen Robinson, who worked on the 1976 remake of "King Kong", constructed the rampaging creature.

Key to the thing succeeding at all is that none of the cast wink at the audience, or have self-referential dialogue to utter. They play it for real, which helps to sell the patent ridiculousness of the premise. Robert Lansing is the main hero, an Irish-accented bar & restaurant owner, Steve Hanks his young friend, Nita Talbot his gal pal, Jo McDonnell as a young journalist, Martina Deignan as Hanks' co-worker, and original 007 Barry Nelson (who was also in "The Shining" around this time) is the principal egghead, who realizes that he and his cohorts have helped to create a terrible problem. Look for "Friday the 13th Part 2" male lead John Furey in a small role as Deignans' boyfriend.

It's not really for hardcore horror fans - very little gore, no nudity, a low body count - but viewers who aren't too picky should have some fun. It even attempts to be somewhat topical as it drops some Haitian immigrants into the mix; they soon incur the wrath of the bigoted Joe (Tony Rigo), who thinks at first that they're responsible for everything.

Rousing music by Bill Justis and striking cinematography by James Pergola also help to make this an enjoyable offering for monster movie lovers.

Seven out of 10.

This was perhaps one of the funniest movies I've seen in a long time. Because it was bad (of course!). There is no reason to sit through this movie seriously like you would with "Schindler's List" or even "Fletch". Talk with your friends through it. Laugh. Make comments. PLEASE!!!! The plot involves little crabs ganging up on people and killing a few (the best scene is where all the tiny crabs manage to overturn a trailer home and catch it on fire). There's a giant paper mache-looking crab too, but I wasn't too sure of its purpose. That goes to show how bad this film was. When you don't know why they had the giant crab (it appears on the box! grrrrr! beware humans!), then it's a bad bad movie.

Scientists working on the development of meatier crabs, use water from a nearby bay in their crab tanks.

Oh no!

A nuclear power plant has had an "incident", releasing radioactive water into the very same bay! Soon, the bay-area crabs are on the move.

Meanwhile, it's crab-racing time down at Moody's (Robert Lansing) saloon. There's also a hoedown, complete with blistering banjo jams! Simultaneously, the crabs have gathered outside in the woods, and they look... crabby!

A short time later, the banjo player -who lives in a school bus- has a crab problem, and must use his beloved banjo as a defensive weapon. Too bad there's a Crab Of Enormous Size in the mix, since banjos have no effect on them! It's not long before no one is safe from these sidling abominations and their gargantuan leader!

ISLAND CLAWS is the perfect treat for fans of the giant crab sub-sub-genre. It falls somewhere between ATTACK OF THE CRAB MONSTERS and MYSTERIOUS ISLAND on the colossal crustacean chart. The mob of meandering crabs are reminiscent of the hopping amphibians in FROGS. As for the humongous horror itself, it's pretty much saved for the crab-tastic finale, which is -of course- the best part of the movie.

EXTRA POINTS FOR: #1- Figuring out how / why the monster crab roars like the mutant bear in PROPHESY! #2- Discerning just what part of Ireland is represented by Moody's "accent"! #3- Resisting the urge to purchase a banjo by movie's end!...

Reporter Jan Raines (Jo McDonnell) is doing a feature story on the creative lab experiments on crabs by Dr. McNeal (Barry Nelson, the original 007). Naturally, something goes awry, but it isn't in the lab. See Jan's dad Frank just happens to own the local nuclear power plant and they just happened to accidentally dumped 40,000 of radioactive water into the nearby sea, creating one muther of a killer crab. Did I mention that Frank also just happens to be rivals with the Moody (Robert Lansing), the town bar owner who plays surrogate father to Jan's hunky lab assistant love interest Pete (Steve Hanks)? And did I mention Frank just happened to have killed Pete's parents in a drunk driving accident years ago? With all this "just happens" drama, who cares about killer crabs?

Crabs? Seriously, crabs? Yup, the little crustacean creeps are the main villains in the Florida lensed horror flick. One can only laugh during the early scenes where people are attacked by normal sized crabs. I mean, is it too much to close a door or, I don't know, run quickly in the opposite direction? To the film's credit, there is one huge 12-foot crab dashing about, but it only shows up on screen in the last ten minutes. I'll admit the design is pretty impressive for a low budget film. The script (co-written by the Creature from the Black Lagoon himself, Ricou Browning) is all over the place though. Despite Frank Raines being the cause of all this madness, he never gets his comeuppance. In fact, he is only shown once in the entire film. And, if you have a big ol' crab, you better blow it up. Here, they just poison it and it slumps down. Director Hernan Cardenas was one and done with this flick. Lansing earned his "battling big creatures" street cred with EMPIRE OF THE ANTS (1977) and continued in this fine line of work with killer cockroaches in THE NEST (1988).

I gave this one a good rating because it is so incredibly funny. The script seems to have been run through a woodchipper before rehearsals started, and the characters are so idiotic I really wish more of them had been shredded by killer crabs. By far the best acting was done by "Trouble" the dog. Check out that great death scene with "Trouble" staggering out on the beach with ketchup poured all over him. I have to add that this movie has simply the most beautiful killer-crab effect in any movie, ever, even surpassing the giant crab in "Mysterious Island." And you have to love a crab that roars like a lion and sticks its tongue out at the camera.