L'Humanoïde

I actually enjoyed this more than the better known Italian Star Wars rip-off, STARCRASH. Though it's seldom as hilariously awful as STARCRASH, it is what it is far more CONSISTENTLY. In other words, if you're not charmed by the first 10 minutes of this movie, you're not likely to like any of the rest of it either. The odd thing is that - aside from one early scene in which a vertical bed of nails penetrates a nude woman - this movie seems to have been made for kids. Is it possible that there are two versions, one of which is absent that particular scene? Everything else - from the cute Robodog, to the silly music (via Morricone, no less!), to the dime store moralizing, to the lovable gentle giant (Richard Kiel), to the magic kid from another planet - absolutely screams "kiddie flick".

There are times that films feel like gift packages wrapped up for just me and my insane taste in movies. Let me tell you all of the ways that The Humanoid makes me want to fall to my knees and give thanks: it's an Italian ripoff of Star Wars directed by Aldo Lado (Who Saw Her Die?, The Short Night of the Glass Dolls) working under the pseudonym George B. Lewis, a name that sounds close to George Lucas. It's got Ivan Rassimov, the crazy eyed star of such B&S About Movies favorites as Planet of the Vampires, Shock, Your Vice Is a Locked Room and Only I Have the Key and All the Colors of the Dark as Lord Graal, the samurai helmet and black armor clad bad guy who is this film's Darth Vader. It's got James Bond henchman supreme Richard Kiel as Golob, a giant henchman who wears a jacket straight out of Brotherhood of the Wolf. It's got Arthur Kennedy (The Living Dead at Manchester Morgue) in it! And it starts with the same shot Star Wars does, with a giant ship filling the screen and a crawl of type. And much like Starcrash it transcends its inspiration to become an insane movie unto itself.

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Try and forget for a second that this film only got released in 1979! Personally, I'm 100% convinced that it was, in fact, George Lucas who totally ripped off this brilliantly plotted script and even shamelessly copied the costume designs and set pieces of this genuine Sci-Fi milestone to make his own insignificant and overrated – but perhaps slightly better marketed – "Star Wars"! Seriously, THIS should have been the Sci-Fi hype of the past century! This should have been the film that spawned numerous sequels, imitations, merchandising and millions of obsessive and nerdy fan-boys all over the world, damned!

Of all the blatant rip-off's that the Italians made during the late 70's/early 80's period – and the amount of them is really gigantic – "The Humanoid" is most likely the most blatant of them all. The intro scrolling over the screen at the beginning, the main villain wearing exactly the same helmet as Darth Vader (though with an S&M mask underneath) and the robot is R2D2 with a doggie makeover. Thank God they didn't do an imitation of C3PO! The Han Solo on duty is Richard "Jaws" Kiel and it's immediately stated clear why this guy should only play roles that are completely silent. Cult siren Barbara Bach plays an evil queen who needs the blood of young women to safeguard her beauty (nice little Countess Bathory sub plot, actually). She allies with Darth Vader number two and with an evil professor who's working on a new and indestructible type of cyber-warrior called The Humanoid. Who other than Richard Kiel would be the more ideal Humanoid prototype, so thus the evil threesome turn Golob's (that's his name) spaceship into confetti and he emerges from the lake again as their retarded minion. With his superhuman strength, Darth Vader number two can finally conquer the throne of Metropolis. How about that plot, huh? Actually, I'm not quite sure if my little summary is fully accurate, as I was too busy laughing most of the time. "The Humanoid" truly is God-awful but immeasurably entertaining exploitation trash that you simply cannot hate. The funniest thing is that this idiocy was actually made by an ensemble of people that should know better, like director Aldo Lado ("Who Can Kill a Child"), special effects supervisor Antonio Margheriti ("The Virgin of Nuremberg"), composer Ennio Morricone ("Once Upon a time in the West"), writer Adriano Bolzoni ("Your Vice is a Locked Room and only I have the Key") and lead actress Barbara Bach ("The Spy who Loved Me"). The special effects and costumes are tacky from the beginning, but the plot gradually grows even more imbecilic as we move along. The variant on the lightsabers are … lightarrows! The entire special effects team must have brainwashed for two whole days over the question: what other medieval piece of armory can we turn into a futuristic fantasy weapon without George Lucas suing us? "The Humanoid" is the purest form of entertainment, especially if you have the chance of watching it with some fellow trash fanatics and whilst under the influence of mild narcotics.

THE HUMANOID tells the story of two brothers of noble titles, one good named the Great Brother; the other evil, who are fighting against each other to become the sole ruler of planet Metropolis. The evil brother Graal (Ivan Rassimov) gets the support of the insane Dr. Kraspin (Arthur Kennedy) to create a new army of invincible soldiers called humanoids. To prove that his chemical invention really works, the doctor tests it on the pilot Golob (Richard Kiel), an unsuspecting human from another planet whose plane happens to land on the deserts of Metropolis. Golob is turned – in a very ridiculous way – into an indestructible soldier that doesn't speak but possesses superhuman strength and lives under the doctor's control. Commanded by the evil Graal, Golob charges into the city where the Great Brother lives to kill him. When Golob's brain-washed mind is neutralized by a little oriental sage living in the city named Tom Tom, he turns side and befriends everyone, including the person he is assigned to kill. Heading back to Graal's headquarter to destroy him, Golob leads his band of new ally. Following a decisive battle that destroys Grall and the doctor, Golob regains his human side and reacquires his speech. With his newly-befriended comrades, he decides to live on the planet, which is then called Earth (no more Metropolis as that's what shown on screen!).

That is not the whole story, there are other characters and subplots that are not worth telling as they do not add anything to the main plot!

THE HUMANOID is a Star Wars copycat and a mega-waste of budget that doesn't have any of the elements that have made Star Wars a timeless classic. Here you see similarities that you see in Star Wars – from vehicles, places to characters: Star Destroyer (even following the exact sequence of how it is shown in Star Wars!), Land Speeder, laser guns that shoot red beams, lots of Darth Vader look-alike (since they are portrayed not only as the leader but also guards), Princess Leia wannabe (she's called Barbara and sexier), a kung fu fighting Luke Skywalker, a robot dog (a substitute for R2D2) and a little oriental Obi-Wan Kenobi! Even the opening sequences mimic those of Star Wars!

Richard Kiel's performance in "The Spy Who Loved Me" and "Moonraker" must have immensely impressed the producers that he was given a similar role here – doesn't speak, just snarls and looks dumb.

This cheesy Italian sci-fi yarn could have been a lot better. Sadly, it lacks the creativity that would have made it into a fun B-movie. The STAR WARS-inspired characters, vehicles, and scenes show lazy film-making. Adding insult to the injury, the plot and directing are as uninspired.

All in all, THE HUMANOID comes mildly recommended and is strictly for lovers of B-movies.

....Which is pretty much the only occasions I'd watch this film.

Honestly, this film is one long collection of laughable clichés. More than Star Crash, and that is a feat of some magnitude.

The incredibly poor special effects. Yes, it was 1979 and this film was a low-budget spaghetti sci fi flick, so I suppose we could forgive it for this. Almost.

The incredibly laughable reuse of models and costumes from other sources which shall remain nameless to protect them from comparison.

The painfully repetitive soundtrack, more like a collection of notes strung together.... I can't believe Ennio Morricone was responsible for it.

The stunning range of Richard Kiel's acting. He must have been getting mightily sick of playing the invincible, monstrous giant by this stage. Normally nobody would play the role better, but his rampage through various faceless soldiers is so stupid as to elicit more laughs than fear.

And then there is Marco Yeh as Tom Tom.... It doesn't come as any surprise to me that this is the only production to feature him listed on IMDb.... At least he didn't have to wear the stupid costume Ivan Rassimov was made to suffer.

But gawd is it funny as hell....