L'Humanoïde

THE HUMANOID is one of the most entertaining movies ever made. Aldo Lado has supplied me with some of the most bizarre and twisted images you could never imagine. You know you're in for a treat when the main character is named Golob, played by a bearded Richard Kiel and he's got a robot-dog in his crappy spaceship. You somehow can't go wrong from there on.

The Tom Tom character is also doing his to make THE HUMANOID one of the ultimate Italian science fiction epics, beware his excellent wisdom. Barbara Bach and the gigantic Kiel was quite the team in the Seventies, and as always she's looking hot in this; "The story of Golob turning Unfriendly and Unstoppable". I love Golob and his dog, I wish to see more of them. Why weren't there any sequels?

Ahhh! The glory of Italian Cinema of the Seventies and Eighties continues. These directors and screenwriters seemed to have no limits in ripping off the Hollywood big-seller. There's still plenty of somewhat obscure masterpieces to be discovered, I'm glad I found this one.

....Which is pretty much the only occasions I'd watch this film.

Honestly, this film is one long collection of laughable clichés. More than Star Crash, and that is a feat of some magnitude.

The incredibly poor special effects. Yes, it was 1979 and this film was a low-budget spaghetti sci fi flick, so I suppose we could forgive it for this. Almost.

The incredibly laughable reuse of models and costumes from other sources which shall remain nameless to protect them from comparison.

The painfully repetitive soundtrack, more like a collection of notes strung together.... I can't believe Ennio Morricone was responsible for it.

The stunning range of Richard Kiel's acting. He must have been getting mightily sick of playing the invincible, monstrous giant by this stage. Normally nobody would play the role better, but his rampage through various faceless soldiers is so stupid as to elicit more laughs than fear.

And then there is Marco Yeh as Tom Tom.... It doesn't come as any surprise to me that this is the only production to feature him listed on IMDb.... At least he didn't have to wear the stupid costume Ivan Rassimov was made to suffer.

But gawd is it funny as hell....

There are times that films feel like gift packages wrapped up for just me and my insane taste in movies. Let me tell you all of the ways that The Humanoid makes me want to fall to my knees and give thanks: it's an Italian ripoff of Star Wars directed by Aldo Lado (Who Saw Her Die?, The Short Night of the Glass Dolls) working under the pseudonym George B. Lewis, a name that sounds close to George Lucas. It's got Ivan Rassimov, the crazy eyed star of such B&S About Movies favorites as Planet of the Vampires, Shock, Your Vice Is a Locked Room and Only I Have the Key and All the Colors of the Dark as Lord Graal, the samurai helmet and black armor clad bad guy who is this film's Darth Vader. It's got James Bond henchman supreme Richard Kiel as Golob, a giant henchman who wears a jacket straight out of Brotherhood of the Wolf. It's got Arthur Kennedy (The Living Dead at Manchester Morgue) in it! And it starts with the same shot Star Wars does, with a giant ship filling the screen and a crawl of type. And much like Starcrash it transcends its inspiration to become an insane movie unto itself.

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As an undiscerning child of 8, still high on fumes from Star Wars and consumed with a voracious appetite for anything to do with spaceships, laser guns, and cute robots, the TV-aired trailer from The Humanoid produced the desired effect: I nagged myself and a friend into being escorted to the local cinema by my dad. Through those eyes, the movie provided a suitable fix, despite feeling a little flat over all. But hey, it had a cute robot dog, space ships and lasers all the way through! Thirty five years later things appear very different. In fairness, the technical quality of the DVD copy I purchased is pretty poor but it's clearly not an official release. However, there are some details in the extraordinarily poor production values that with even with the most generous and forgiving attitude I can't ascribe to anything but a cynical disregard for quality by the director. Another spectacular facet of this movie is how many scenes appear to be nothing more than Sweded versions of identical scenes in Star Wars. The recipe for this entire project can be summed up as:

1> Select some iconic scenes from Star Wars.

2> Reproduce them using funds from coins found down the back of the sofa.

3> Wrap a vague plot around them - don't worry too much about the details.

4> Fill the gaps with mystical nonsense - if it is spouted by an Asian child then it becomes all the more reasonable.

5> Season with a liberal sprinkling of cleavage and nipples to taste.

Overall it's worth watching for the lulz, and as a cultural artifact which demonstrates how desperate everyone was to cash in on Star Wars at the time. Watching that pathetic robot dog attempt to emulate R2D2 as it hobbles across the dessert is really quite tragic.

In keeping with the tone of the previous reviews, it has to be said that I will re-watch this classic of terrible cinema, which is more than I can say about The Phantom Menace.

P.S. "Star Wars meets Monkey" is an entirely accurate summary of this movie that sadly I can't take credit for. A friend of mine described it thusly after watching chunks of it on You Tube.

THE HUMANOID tells the story of two brothers of noble titles, one good named the Great Brother; the other evil, who are fighting against each other to become the sole ruler of planet Metropolis. The evil brother Graal (Ivan Rassimov) gets the support of the insane Dr. Kraspin (Arthur Kennedy) to create a new army of invincible soldiers called humanoids. To prove that his chemical invention really works, the doctor tests it on the pilot Golob (Richard Kiel), an unsuspecting human from another planet whose plane happens to land on the deserts of Metropolis. Golob is turned – in a very ridiculous way – into an indestructible soldier that doesn't speak but possesses superhuman strength and lives under the doctor's control. Commanded by the evil Graal, Golob charges into the city where the Great Brother lives to kill him. When Golob's brain-washed mind is neutralized by a little oriental sage living in the city named Tom Tom, he turns side and befriends everyone, including the person he is assigned to kill. Heading back to Graal's headquarter to destroy him, Golob leads his band of new ally. Following a decisive battle that destroys Grall and the doctor, Golob regains his human side and reacquires his speech. With his newly-befriended comrades, he decides to live on the planet, which is then called Earth (no more Metropolis as that's what shown on screen!).

That is not the whole story, there are other characters and subplots that are not worth telling as they do not add anything to the main plot!

THE HUMANOID is a Star Wars copycat and a mega-waste of budget that doesn't have any of the elements that have made Star Wars a timeless classic. Here you see similarities that you see in Star Wars – from vehicles, places to characters: Star Destroyer (even following the exact sequence of how it is shown in Star Wars!), Land Speeder, laser guns that shoot red beams, lots of Darth Vader look-alike (since they are portrayed not only as the leader but also guards), Princess Leia wannabe (she's called Barbara and sexier), a kung fu fighting Luke Skywalker, a robot dog (a substitute for R2D2) and a little oriental Obi-Wan Kenobi! Even the opening sequences mimic those of Star Wars!

Richard Kiel's performance in "The Spy Who Loved Me" and "Moonraker" must have immensely impressed the producers that he was given a similar role here – doesn't speak, just snarls and looks dumb.

This cheesy Italian sci-fi yarn could have been a lot better. Sadly, it lacks the creativity that would have made it into a fun B-movie. The STAR WARS-inspired characters, vehicles, and scenes show lazy film-making. Adding insult to the injury, the plot and directing are as uninspired.

All in all, THE HUMANOID comes mildly recommended and is strictly for lovers of B-movies.