Hell Squad

My review was written in March 1986 after watching the movie on MGM/UA video cassette.

"Hell Squad" is a laughable action picture about Las Vegas showgirls who become instant commandos. Made circa 1983, pic was released theatrically overseas last year but domestic distrib Cannon sent the film directly to home video stores (via its MGM/UA deal) domestically.

Bainbridge Scott is a pretty blonde who toplines as Jan, a manager of Vegas showgirls enlisted by her former boyfriend Jim (Walter Cox) to help him rescue a diplomat's son Glen Hartford who's been kidnapped by Arabs demanding the secret of a neutron bomb weapon.

Nearly 20 statuesque girls go through a week's crash training course, after which nine are chosen (including Jan, the only one with previous fighting skills) to mount a commando raid in the Middle East. Typical of the film's carelessness, only eight girls are identified in the poolside selection scene, yet a squad of nine carries on for the rest of the picture.

Poor action scene ensue, revolving around the running gag of the gals repeatedly returning to their hotel suite and together hopping into a big, communal bathtub, due to a local water shortage. Reversing the usual pecking order of exploitation films, only leading player Jan has nude scenes, while the other girls manage to remain covered up.

Filmmaker Ken Hartford is known for buying and selling features "by the pound" for international distribution, but he seems to have short-changed the viewer here. Filmed out west, picture includes unconvincing stock footage to represent the Middle East, plus cheap sets and a library music-type score. Level of humor is evidenced by an end credit that thanks: "42 members of PLO who played themselves as terrorists".

From the cheesy dialog to the no-talent 'actresses', there is not one redeeming quality about this 'film'!

About the point these commando bikini-models were putting on their flippers and snorkel gear to swim across a lake in a middle of a desert to a stock photograph of a castle in the European mountains I lost my lunch.

The biggest laugh of the movie was the reveal of 'Ann' as 'Andy' when a halloween budget mask was pulled off of Ann/Andy. Couldn't help but think of Austin Powers, "That's a MAN, man!"

So bad it's laughable! If there was a ZERO STAR rating this movie would have it!

I couldn't believe how bad this was.

Still I was entertained.

Why? Those ladies, despite their obvious 'talent', (hehheh) were GORGEOUS.

This was stock footage surrounded by a two set filming. The lack of real cast was desperately covered up.

So many missions that we never saw. Then the ladies come home in their military/fetish unis and lounge in provocative positions.

One reason to see this film...you're drunk and love to see ladies in hotpants. (Ok, two reasons.)

Movies like this give me a headache. Nine bubbly and not-so-bright Vegas show-girls are hired to train for 10 (count em), 10 days to become highly skilled, psuedo-military commandos and execute a top-secret operation in order to rescue an American Ambassador's whiney son. Their training consisted of a four obstacle obstacle course, rifle training with no, repeat, NO instruction on how to use the weapon, and one girl punching a board. Nothing else is even shown to be done, unless you count the "squad" of girls marching around the middle of the desert, chanting their patented cadence, or lounging in the officer's pool as training. Never before has someone's utter lack of desire to make a decent film ever been more showcased than in this movie. It is apparent the thought that T&A would carry this entire film was the motivation behind every scene of this movie. Every scene where the "hell squad" went into action was immediately followed by a scene of all the girls either naked or in their bathing suits. It is this genre of women exploitation which tries to hide behind the mask of "girls kick ass" that makes me shudder at the day they began selling movie cameras to anyone who walked in off the street. The world is in dire need of a written law to prevent any non-film maker from making a film. I swear to you, from the first 20 minutes on to the end of the movie, my jaw hung open in terror as I watched every film making sin take place before my eyes. This movie gave me a headache.

I own many original copies of a great number of the movies shown on Mystery Science Theater 3000, and this movie topples every one of them over. Still, it doesn't make it the worst movie I've ever seen, but it sits in a class of films that are harmful to open skin. Handle movie with care.

Scott's judgment: Set your dumbness filter on high while watching this movie

I honestly wish I could say that I invited the juicy catchphrase of my review's subject line myself, but alas, I blatantly stole it from the back of the cover of the original Belgian VHS-release. Roughly translated the brief plot description on the box of the old video cassette that I own says: "This battalion of incredibly hot girls is on a top-secret and ultra-dangerous mission that will bring them BEHIND enemy lines and BETWEEN enemy sheets!". As a sucker for 80s trash/exploitation I simply had to see this film. Now, I personally think that the clichéd expression "so-bad-it's-good" is very much overused, but it is definitely the most apt description of Kenneth Hartford's "Hell Squad". The son of an American ambassador in the Middle-East is kidnapped by terrorists and they demand nuclear weapons in exchange for his release. Instead of looking for any kind of alternatives, the ambassador's personal assistant travels to Las Vegas all by himself and recruits a bunch of buxom strip dancers for a secret mission. Without knowing what purpose they'll serve, the girls follow an intense 10-day military training and then they are subsequently dropped in the desert. This really could have worked very efficiently as a sexploitation-spoof (or even a porn movie, perhaps) but the problem is that this film, and its entire cast and crew alike, take itself so damn seriously! Besides, the glorious description about the sheet and all isn't even true. The action sequences in "Hell Squad" are as follows: the women storm into a random enemy camp or underground lair, blow away all the evil Arabs and subsequently return to their luxurious hotel room where they all sit and relax in the jacuzzi together. Yes, apparently hotels in the Middle-East standard offer gigantic hot tubs in each room. You guessed it; a truly bad but unique film-experience!