Barbarian Queen

I had a theory about movies. For every two minutes of Bad movie you need one minute of Nudity to make it watchable. This movie puts that theory to the test, and disproves it with a glorious vigor.

I think most every female in this movie was topless for the majority of it. The story is milk toast, but what I found the most absurd is just how bad the acting was. I mean it was Tommy Wiseau bad. In fact the nudity and acting are so bad there's almost a shamelessness about it. As though it's proud of how bad it is. And for that I would actually recommend it for anyone who wants to see a lot of breasts in a low budget Connan rip off.

For those who are feeling daring I offer the barbarian Queen Drinking game. This requires two teams, Team One is team acting and Team two is Team Boobs. For ever poorly acted line of dialog, team Acting takes a drink, For every set of boobs you see, team Boobs takes a drink. Please keep an EMT handy and sober as most likely more than one person will almost die of alcohol poisoning. You've been warned

The only reason I can recommend this movie is if you want to see women showing off their tits. Sorry. I had to say it. There is nothing else worth watching here. Sloppy editing, bad acting (Lana Clarkson and Katt Shea shows their acting talents (both of them) and crap music. I have to admit that I fell asleep during the middle of this movie as well. I love sword-and-sorcery, adventure and fantasy movies but this is just tiresome. The story is promising enough (as a revenge flick), but the warrior women only manage to get captured every few minutes so that they can be tortured (topless, of course). Watch something else instead. Is it a sequel you say? Do you think that I'm going to watch it?

I don't have much to say about this film. I was 13 when it first came out, and I saw it on video in '86. My only reason for watching this film was for the scantily dressed women warriors that were in it, having sex nearly every other scene. The torture chamber was my favorite scene, and the best line in the movie was when the torturer had Lana Clarkson on the rack, and after a brief torture, he decides to "bone" her. His reason, aside from suddenly being horny is "You're making a contribution to science." That line had me in stitches. Remember this line fellas the next time your girlfriend holds out on you!

I was in college when this film was released and it really made an impression on me. Now, I'm not saying that it moved me to deep philosophical thinking. Rather, this movie is one that can be seen in fast-forward mode on your VCR and you won't miss a bit of the plot (which I'll give in a bit). The impression it made on me was one of Lana Clarkson, who plays the lead role, topless and tied to an upright rack while she's tortured with a needle by a smallish man with large glasses.

Now the reason she's there: Amathea (Lana Clarkson) was about to be married to the prince of her village when soldiers charge in and slaughter just about everyone. The prince is captured and Amathea escapes into the woods where she joins up with 3 other warriors. They plan to go to the city and rescue the prince. Along the way they manage to kill a few straggling soldiers, rescue a woman tied to fence who's topless and has been whipped, and make friends with rebels seeking to overthrow the local ruler. Amathea's sister allows herself to be captured by the ruler so that she can be his concubine and Amathea is captured while trying to rescue her. The king thinks Amathea is part of the rebel movement and orders her to be tortured until she identifies the rebel leaders. After the 5 minute torture scene, Amathea throws the torturer into a vat of acid and escapes, freeing the gladiators and the prince and creating a mediocre fight scene wherein the ruler is overthrown and the people are free.

Don't see this movie for the plot. Don't see it for the dialogue. You'll want to see it because the 4 main actresses in the film eventually have nude scenes in this order: rape, nipple play, wrestling, woman on the fence topless, rape, stripped topless, Lana's torture scene. The rape scenes are weak, the wrestling is short. I'm convinced that the only reason they made a sequel was to show Lana Clarkson on a rack again (see "Barbarian Queen II"). Unless you're into bad barbarian sword-and-sandle movies, mild rape, Lana Clarkson, and/or bondage, you can skip this movie. Me, I saw it for Lana Clarkson.

The Barbarian Queen is Queen Amethea (Lana Clarkson), whose village is burned by evil warriors on the day of her prospective wedding, after which most of the people are killed or enslaved. She leads a group of rebels in opposition, including some women (like herself) whose forms fit well into the clothing of the day, and eventually leads an uprising by freeing the slaves. Not for its cultural or intellectual value at all, this film is most noteworthy for the women winning the swordfights with men but not faring so well if they are captured and/or enslaved. Nudity and bondage and fondling yes, but I have to say the most memorable scene occurs when Queen Amethea uses a unique method of escape after she has been captured and tied up in the warrior camp and is being fondled by one of her captors. Clear cut--for those who like this stuff yes, otherwise not much to offer.