Metalstorm - La tempête d'acier

The 1983 3-D Charles Band production "Metalstorm: The Destruction of Jared-Syn" is pretty damn forgettable and obviously quite low budget but, like many other movies of its kind, it's not without its cheesy charms. One is simply going to have to be partial to this type of thing to begin with. It's highly derivative of other sci-fi features that have come before it, and it is undeniably crude. It's full of nonsense and short on sense. The characters are well defined if not exactly fleshed out (you're never in much doubt as to who is a good guy and who is a bad guy.) The action is reasonably effective, with well done stunts and explosions, and the special effects do give this the appeal of really good cheese. The most worthy component is the rousing music score by Charles's brother Richard Band; it deserves to be in a better movie.

Stiff, but not completely unlikable, Jeffrey Byron stars as Dogen, a "ranger" in a world of the future who must do battle with the overlord of the title, played by Mike Preston of "The Road Warrior". Jared-Syn, assisted by his creepy son Baal (R. David Smith), makes life miserable for people such as amiable old miner Aix (Larry Pennell) and his daughter Dhyana (a young and super sexy Kelly Preston). Knowing he needs help, Dogen gets tracking assistance from the weary Rhodes (Tim Thomerson, who easily steals the show). As the story plays out, he must also deal with a cyclopean being named Hurok (Richard Moll).

The ending to this is quite anticlimactic and disappointing (clearly there were thoughts of making a sequel to this), but getting there provides some degree of fun. If you can turn off your brain for 83 minutes, you should have a good time with this. It never really catches fire (some might even say that it's dull), but helping to give it some visual buzz, other than the 3- D, are the various desert locations and the cinematography by Mac Ahlberg, who shot many movies like this during the 1980s. Byron is a rather colourless lead, and one may wish that the more charismatic Thomerson were in that role instead. Mike Preston is an amusing villain, and Moll likewise has a real presence on screen, as always. The briefly seen Pennell is endearing, and Kelly Preston offers up a lot of spunk as the imperiled girl, who is set to be sacrificed by Jared-Syn to a great big life-giving crystal.

This may not be anything great, but it's not the worst sci-fi adventure you'll ever see, either.

Five out of 10.

Don't know why, but in the '80s, I watched this film around 17 times, and when in Hollywood, went to the Band brothers' office to tell them they had made a cult masterpiece. They seemed really surprised that anyone liked it. After watching it several times (which you feel compelled to do for some strange reason), you start to get sucked into believing that somehow the film contains some kind of secret. The problem is that I think I needed to watch it at least 17 more times to 'get' the secret, but I could no longer find the film anywhere. Now I'm an adult, with kids, and they have carefully explained to me that I know nothing about films or hidden realities. So, either I'm an idiot for having wasted so much time watching Metal Storm so many times, or my kids should be forced to watch it 17 times so that they can reach the same level of knowledge as their mother.

During the summer of '83, my childhood buddy and I saw some 13 movies over the course of a long week, including Metalstorm. We were ten at the time and even at that young age we were impressed by just how awful a movie could be. Yes, Metalstorm is, without a doubt, the worst movie I have ever seen. And yet, to this day, my buddy and I still wax nostalgically about the evil Jared-Syn and the impact he and the other stars of Metalstorm had on our summer of '83.

Metalstorm, I LOVE YOU!

Charles Band… yeah producer/director Charles Band and by that name you should know what you are going to get. Well unless it's your first taste, which if it is, 'Metalstorm' is probably not a great starting point. I wanted to like this one more, but by the end I was completely bored with only the saving grace being the performances of an amusing Tim Thomason (who definitely spiced things up) and Richard Moll dressed in make-up. This cheap b-grade post-apocalyptic Sci-fi fling wears its influences for everyone to see, but instills no personality. Aside from the western touches (and that standoff scene is actually well done), it was namely something out of 'Star Wars' and obviously 'Mad Max 2', which you could say Jeffery Byron's ranger character is easily patterned on Mel Gibson's leather-decked road warrior of those films. Nonetheless Bryon's stiff impression is no match. Also appearing with amount of interest is a very beautiful Kelly Preston, but she does quite little than titillate. Mike Preston as the head villain Jared-Syn left a lot to be desired, as I found him laughably nonsensical in a plastic sense.

Although why we watch these films is for some senselessly cheap fun and lousy exchanges. The latter was right on the mark with the dialogues, however sadly I found the junky action quite lackluster and sloppy with a poorly shot desert wasteland backdrop. It feels in slow-motion (and Brand even uses that technique at times), despite the (unfocused) story keeping things moving. It has its moments (probably just not enough even with the few tripped-out visuals) and the make-up of the fancy dressed mutants are decently executed. I couldn't say the same about the dodgy special effects, which really do come to the front at the end. Richard Band's score is a clunker of sorts.

I didn't find it to be completely awful by any stretch, but more so frustratingly drab and unfulfilled with only some minor flourishes and a chirpy Thomerson.

...And I was in it! A friend was a prop person on this steaming pile, and I went out when they were shooting in the desert. It was a night shoot, and I spent a lot of time standing around watching setup and teardown. Then came the Epic Speech Of Jared Syn To His Troops. The director suddenly decides that there are not enough troops, and some flunky comes up and asks me if I want to be in the film. I tell him sure, and soon I'm standing in the back of a crowd with a piece of brown cloth over my shoulders like a poncho and a helmet on my head. And I stood there, and stood there and stood there. Being in the movie was as dull as watching it being made.

Then it came out!!! I had waited for months for "My" movie to come out. Was I ever disappointed! I knew it wasn't "Citizen Kane". But this wasn't even "Warlords of Atlantis"! All of my friends went from "you were in a movie???" to "You were in THAT???????"

Even though I was in it, it is still one of the lowest-rated films on my list. I do admit, however, that I have a warm spot in my heart for this piece of tripe.

Any time you want to just stare in mute amazement at what can be called a film, check it out.