Metalstorm - La tempête d'acier

This is another one of those very first movies I ever rented as a kid. It was childish love at first site. Watched it numerous times back then. Is it actually a good movie? I think I'll just plead the 5th on that one.

Having just re-watched it, I'll just say right away: METALSTORM: THE DESTRUCTION OF JARED-SYN is a blast and offers lots of (unintentional) laughs. Just throw the following elements into a blender: Post-Apocalyptic (vehicles & mutants), STAR WARS: RETURN OF THE JEDI (speed-bikers), western (showdown), Swords & Sorcery (quest, fights, and sock-puppet sand-creatures), fantasy (magical crystals and other nonsense), cyborg (or a dude basically enhanced by various metal-parts, including an extendable metal grab-claw arm that spits toxic LSD) and psychedelia (warped gateways into other dimensions). Plus, Tim Thomerson and Richard Moll are in it. This simply is a wonderful film.

Well yes, I'm biased when it comes to early Charles Band outings. This isn't really a good movie (Damn, I did say it, didn't I?), but it's very enjoyable, cheesy & nonsensical stuff. All things I listed up here really are featured in this film, albeit not exactly in quality incarnations, if you know what I mean. And the special effects are dated and look silly sometimes, but there's enough of those in the film to keep you amused. Compared to other early Charles Band films, METALSTORM definitely is a bit crazier and more action-packed than PARASITE (the "good" film) and THE ALCHEMIST (the "lesser" film) and would - in my humble opinion - make a perfect double feature with THE DUNGEONMASTER (aka RAGEWAR), together making up for a super-duper special effects extravaganza night fest. And if you can't get with that, you're a bit of a sourpuss, I'm afraid.

Good, bad, stupid, fun? Who cares! These films were made with enthusiasm. The kind that rubs off. At least on me it does. Blame my rating on nostalgia.

During the summer of '83, my childhood buddy and I saw some 13 movies over the course of a long week, including Metalstorm. We were ten at the time and even at that young age we were impressed by just how awful a movie could be. Yes, Metalstorm is, without a doubt, the worst movie I have ever seen. And yet, to this day, my buddy and I still wax nostalgically about the evil Jared-Syn and the impact he and the other stars of Metalstorm had on our summer of '83.

Metalstorm, I LOVE YOU!

I, too saw this movie at the theater...this was the week it came out (as well as the week it was pulled off). While visiting relatives in Richmond, VA, of all places, we all went to see this horrible futuristic charade, just so that we can view the closing credits and watch MY name scrolling down on that long list...Yes, I admit to have worked on the special effects with Charly Band (who most probably still owes me the $10.00 I've never received). Regarding this "masterpiece" I agree with the rest of you guys, and as far as the thought of this movie having been made as a spoof, well, it wasn't ! And what about Kelly... Love to work with those Hollywood stars ! In contrast, both Richard and Tim were actually fun to be around, actually. By the way, the film did become a cult item. I would love to see it coming out on DVD, though, as I already own the VHS, too-shrunk-to-wear-cut-off T-shirt, a lovely crew satin jacket and a poster. Gideon.

Director Charles Band followed up PARASITE, his first successful foray into the 3-D world, with this futuristic action-adventure film. It is pretty obvious he is going for a mix of THE ROAD WARRIOR and STAR WARS, but I'm not entirely sure it is successful and at times comes off looking more like MEGAFORCE. The action is good though and the film moves at a quick clip. I'm sure the 3-D was pretty impressive in the theater as all sorts of objects are chucked at the screen. There is also one psychedelic, TRON-inspired bit during the end chase that probably had audiences puking dayglo in the aisles. The acting is good though for a b-movie with Thomerson doing his best Han Solo and Richard Moll showing up as a leader of a group of Cyclops. The film "ends" with the most laughable cliffhanger where Jared-Syn gets away (so the title lied!) and Dogen vows, "I'll find him in another dimension one day." Huh? Obviously Band was hoping this would be a series but poor box office returns from a Universal theatrical distribution vetoed that idea and he moved on to start Empire Pictures (which kicked off production with THE DUNGEONMASTER, again starring Byron). Now if only someone could tell me what the hell METALSTORM means.

...And I was in it! A friend was a prop person on this steaming pile, and I went out when they were shooting in the desert. It was a night shoot, and I spent a lot of time standing around watching setup and teardown. Then came the Epic Speech Of Jared Syn To His Troops. The director suddenly decides that there are not enough troops, and some flunky comes up and asks me if I want to be in the film. I tell him sure, and soon I'm standing in the back of a crowd with a piece of brown cloth over my shoulders like a poncho and a helmet on my head. And I stood there, and stood there and stood there. Being in the movie was as dull as watching it being made.

Then it came out!!! I had waited for months for "My" movie to come out. Was I ever disappointed! I knew it wasn't "Citizen Kane". But this wasn't even "Warlords of Atlantis"! All of my friends went from "you were in a movie???" to "You were in THAT???????"

Even though I was in it, it is still one of the lowest-rated films on my list. I do admit, however, that I have a warm spot in my heart for this piece of tripe.

Any time you want to just stare in mute amazement at what can be called a film, check it out.