Ironmaster, la guerre du fer

Despite it's Frank Frazetta-style, Conan-esque cover art, Umberto Lenzi's Ironmaster is actually like one of those Hammer cavemen films featuring grunting cro-magnons, or the more serious French film Quest for Fire (1981), only this being an Italian rip-off, the prehistoric humans speak perfect English (at least in the version I saw) and there's not a stop-motion creature to be seen (but there are some plastic mammoths and a tribe of monkey-like neanderthals). And like Hammer's films - One Million Years B.C., When Dinosaurs Ruled the Earth and Creatures the World Forgot - the cave-women are all ravishing beauties in small animal-skin bikinis. Coming from the director that gave us Cannibal Ferox and Eaten Alive!, one can also expect a smattering of brutal violence as well.

And yet, behind all of the blatant silliness and skull-crushing action, Lenzi's film is actually a thought-provoking allegory about the cold war. No, seriously.

The story concerns a tribe of cavemen whose leader is thinking of stepping down and handing the reins to kindly muscleman Ela (Sam Pasco), instead of his hotheaded son Vood (George Eastman). Miffed, Vood brains his father with a stone axe and tries to take leadership, but having witnessed the murder, Ela speaks up, and Vood is run out of Bedrock (but not before killing the tribe's shaman as well). While stomping around at the foot of an erupting volcano (as you do), Vood discovers a long, sword-shaped piece of iron, and returns to his tribe brandishing his indestructible weapon, this time successfully seizing control and exiling Ela.

As Ela roams the land, encountering hilarious naked monkey-men and befriending gorgeous (but, sadly, not naked) blonde Isa (Elvire Audray), Vood and his followers mine the black rock from the slopes of the volcano, smelting its iron to make more swords, before setting about enslaving neighbouring tribes. Isa's people - peace-loving fishermen who see no need for weapons - are easily overpowered by Vood and his cronies, but Ela helps them to fight back, training them in the art of combat and inventing the bow and arrow in his spare time. When Vood hears that Ela is in the village, he and his men launch an attack but are surprised to be met by resistance.

No prizes for guessing that the good guys win, after which they ditch their weapons in a lake. Peace and love and all that.

Let's be honest though, we don't watch this kind of film for thinly veiled messages about the arms race and the need for nuclear disarmament; we watch it for the exploitative elements and unintentional lols, and there are plenty of those: Vood might have discovered Iron, but Ela is quite obviously keeping schtum about his stash of steroids and baby oil, while Isa appears to have access to lipstick and eye-shadow; Vood's scheming female side-kick Lith (Pamela Prati) struggles unsuccessfully to remain inside her bikini top; the costumes for the ape-like neanderthals come complete with genitalia; the speed at which the cavemen develop advanced weapon-making skills is quite remarkable; likewise, Ela and company's marksmanship with their crude bows and arrows is nothing short of amazing. Lenzi's fans will also be delighted by the gore: we get Vood's father's smushed head, a couple of severed arms, and numerous arrows in various body parts.

I'm not about to pretend that Ironmaster is a good film - it's unlikely to appear in anyone's all-time Top 10 - but for those appreciate cheesy Italian films, there should be plenty to enjoy. 5.5/10, rounded up to 6 for a couple of fun special effects (including a model volcano and a nice matte painting) and for Vood's manky lion head-dress.

This was directed by prolific Italian filmmaker Umberto Lenzi who boasts numerous directorial credits in a wide array of film genres including a number of (in)famous horror outings and some very gritty crime dramas.

Fans of Italian B-movies will instantly delight in seeing big George Eastman in the role of the main villain (as he is very often type cast) who, inadvertently brings about the inception of the Iron Age(!)

Scouring the internet, I have found nothing but disdain and vituperation for this film with some reviewers even going so far as to apply the ignominious label of 'The worst movie ever made' upon it. Whilst the film is admittedly certainly no masterpiece by any stretch of the imagination, it is in fact not nearly as bad as it's sullied reputation would have us believe.

What we have here in effect is a sort of semi-documentary detailing the sudden great psychological and sociological evolution of early human kind as precipitated by the discovery of more puissant weaponry.

OK, so it is somewhat base in it's linear execution, logic is not a trait it is particularly rich in, the acting is not exactly Oscar material and the special effects are shall we say, severely wanting, but despite this, the film is actually rather intriguing.

The ending especially, is surprisingly rather poignant for this genre and is quite refreshing.

Special mention must also be made of the title score for the film, which is one of those tunes you'll find yourself humming for days!!!

Overall then, whilst woefully inaccurate in its historical context, this film is nonetheless rather fascinating in its inimitable depiction of a bygone people and their turbulent way of life.

I originally bought this movie, having never seen it, strictly for laughs. But I was pleasantly surprised to find out that it's really and engaging movie. Now, it does have its dumb parts, but for the most part I was riveted. The story is simplistic, but this isn't trying to be anything incredible. Once again a film is made which most people just can't appreciate.

Also, I love the weird naked monkey guys.

OK, OK... So Iron Master isn't a great Masterpiece and blah, blah, blah..., but it was released in the same year I was born, so that makes it cool, OK?! Seriously though, I know it isn't a great movie and I know that the cover has nothing to do with the movie, but let's be honest, if it wasn't for that cover, we would never have watched the movie in the first place and never experienced the only movie that's so bad, it's actually good. I consider it an education watching someone's attempt at making a good movie with a low budget. It shows a love for the art of film-making and you have to admire the effort that went into the plot, even though there are a few holes here and there. If I were to choose between watching Clockwork Orange and Iron Master again, I'd choose Iron Master without a second though. FACT! I like this movie. I watched it for the first time when I was 11 and still remember the story, theme, feel and inspiration it brought to my young imagination. At the least, I'd give it a 6/10

My review was written in August 1985 after watching the movie on Prism video cassette.

Made in 1982, "Ironmaster" is an Italian adventure fantasy right off the assembly line that has copied recent trends in Yank and Aussie action pics. In this case, it's mainly "Quest for Fire" time, though the primitive men here are far more advanced.

George Eastman is in the tile role, portraying a power-hungry Iron Age man who discovers the art of iron smelting and uses it to make swords. He has been passed over by his tribe elders who want a woman to succeed them, but Eastman as Vude plans to conquer his and other neighboring tribes.

In opposition is young muscleman Aela (Sam Pasco), who not only steals Vude's swords but invents a bow & arrow to easily subdue the baddies. Corny finish has him destroying all these weapons of war after they've done the job.

Picture is strictly routine, with no nudity, discreet (mainly) violence and little period atmosphere. Lensing is competent, including unusual (for this genre) locations, shot in South Dakota, with a small buffalo herd grazing nearby.