Les serpents attaquent

Okay, I'm exaggerating when I call this a classic, but I like these '70s revenge-of-nature films. I remember seeing the trailers for films like "Rattlers" and "Grizzly" and "Empire of the Ants" on TV when I was a kid. But would my parents ever let me attend these gems? Heavens no! So now I'm making up for lost time as an adult, rediscovering these terrible films from my youth. In many ways these films are like a time machine to another era--an era with bad clothing, terrible dialogue, cool cars, and in-your-face feminism, buster! While you can't really destroy the plot of "Rattlers" (rattlesnakes attack people, duh!), I would urge you to watch the film for the "performance" of the main female lead. You haven't seen cardboard until you've seen her. Wow. Awesome.

Rattlers is an suspenseless creature feature that goes on for too long, even though it only lasts 82 minutes. Long story made short, something in the desert is turning rattlesnakes into killing machines. A male female research team is called in to find out what.

Although the beginning of the film has a rapid series of snake attacks, midway through it gets bogged down in conspiracy subplots and a budding romance between the two leads. When people watch a movie called "Rattlers" they want to see snake bites, not gumshoeing.

To make matters worse, the characters talk about how gruesome the victims' bodies are, but the corpses are never shown. The film might be rated PG, but keep in mind this is a 70s PG, which could be stretched for a lot of gore (e.g. Jaws). Also, there is no real final confrontation with the snakes, which is a prerequisite for this kind of film.

They have yet to make a good horror movie about poisonous snakes, but this 70's anti-classic is so bad it almost approaches goodness. It's kind of the "Plan 9 from Outer Space" of killer snake movies. They couldn't really afford too many snakes or the special effects to create venom-bloated corpses, so they substituted a bunch of nonsense about military tests making the rattlesnakes go crazy (although they never explain why the snakes all hunt in packs or how they sneak up on their incredibly stupid victims). But speaking of incredibly stupid, the heroes are a male chauvinist herpetology professor and a feminist photographer, who of course fall madly in love while hunting down the killer snakes. The sexist professor insists that his job is no place for a woman, even though, aside from the snakes, all he really does is drive around the Mojave Desert, and I don't know what the female photographer is supposed to be photographing. For some reason, these two geniuses seem to do all their hunting at night (when you're hunting rattlers I guess you don't want them to see you coming). They sleep in a tent for no other reason than to wake up surrounded by snakes. Then during the climax of the film they suddenly take off to Vegas to whoop it up while the rattlers run amok. (Your snake-fighting tax dollars at work, I guess).

The most famous scene involves a young housewife being attacked in the bathtub. However, this scene is neither scary nor sexy--laughably stupid perhaps. I actually liked the opening scene with the two little boys the best, but it was pretty much all downhill from there.

What's this? A Harry H. Novak production that is rated PG? Yes Virginia, it's true. This movie is much less exploitive and explicit than other Novak productions. There's only a little blood, and the one scene of nudity comes from a brief look at a skin magazine one character is reading. While I can understand why Novak tried for something more respectable - it's often a lot easier to gather an audience for a PG movie than an R - he forgot to make the movie interesting. The main problem with the movie is that it's very boring. There's far too much chat and not enough action. And the action and horror that's in the movie comes across as quite flat. I'd never thought I'd find a Harry H. Novak movie that was boring, but that's what we have here.

This is a wonderfully awful flick about rattle snakes. Hence the name. These aren't just ordinary rattle snakes though...No siree. These rattle snakes can strike at, bite through and pop an army jeeps tires as it flies past them going 50 miles an hour. Yep. Discarded toxic waste has made these suckers tough. (Although you wouldn't know it to look at them.) A snake guy and a female photographer are around to keep the movie moving forward to it's exciting conclusion (Which I forgot or fell sleep during)

This movie also answers the question... What do you do when the plumber tells you he is going to be changing out the pressure regulator on your pipes? Yes that's right, the correct answer is wait 2 minutes until he is under the house and then strip naked and take a bath. (What it doesn't answer is how you can magically fill the tub when the pressure regulator is in-line with your water pipes and has been removed, but lets just assume this lady has dual main water feeds.)It also answers the question do rattle snakes like to take bubble baths...and the answer is, "of course" you big silly.

If you have not had the pleasure of witnessing this movie...you must. You will cringe at the rattle snakes nearness.