Joyride to Nowhere

Ho-wee, this is one tame, but kind of charming, exploitation film that will never be made these days as no doubt the kids involved would be see annoying you'd just kick in your TV screen before the first five minutes ended.

But this was made in more innocent days. You'd think back in those days of harmless television presenters these two girls could go on the run without anyone putting the moves on them, but you'd be wrong. These two, one of them with Irish toothache, try to head off for LA, have an old man try and put his hand up their skirt, and end up without a car or any money. Many japes ensue including them ending up with a car full of stolen money.

This is a very lightweight film with no naughty bits, violent deaths and only minimal car chase action. That said, maybe I'm biased towards Mel Welles but I found him and the acting of the two girls quite charming (they're not annoying at all), but that might be because he made the film Lady Frankenstein!

Now that had naughty bits, namely Rosabla Neri's.

Two teenage girls go on the run from dodgy boyfriends and dirty old men alike. However, when they cheat a gangster out of a lot of money, things start to get interesting..

..Except that's a complete lie. Nothing in this wretched motion picture in any way, shape or form could be described as interesting. In fact, this is as far gone from that word as you're ever likely to get. I can imagine couples at the drive-thru thirty years ago splitting up over it, furtively arguing about who's dumb idea it was to watch this crap. Yep, it could have meant the death of a whole new generation.. and it's just a movie. The screenplay consists of the two girls talking about life, love and other such codswallop while travelling across America. They meet a dumb bloke who wants to bone them both, and fleece him for everything he's worth. Then of course we have that terribly original sub-plot about Mr Mafia..

Oh God, I can't go on. Believe me, you don't know hell until you hear Leslie Ackerman and Sandy Serrano's vapid conversations. They succeed in making Paris Hilton sound like Albert Einstein, and what's worse is they take up 95% of the film. Yep, the director is labouring under the misapprehension that we would rather hear about the two wench's growing pains than them cavorting naked together in a hot tub. He actually thinks he is making a serious film, where we can actually care about these underwritten characters who are so shallow you couldn't drown an ant in them. To which I respond by pointing at him and laughing out of pure contempt. The next Spielberg? I think not. I'd even say Ed Wood had more talent. At least you could have a good laugh at his stuff..

I have nothing more to say. Go home. Oh, and if you happen to see a skinheaded chap in an Iron Maiden T-shirt on your way back, flipping a pound coin in his hand and with an evil grin on his face, tell him I'd like to have a word. It's something to do with a film he recommended I try. It won't take long, honest.. *SHARPENS A KNIFE*.. 0/10

One of the things I find most interesting about the very fertile 1970's period of exploitation cinema was all these subgenres (or sub-subgenres) that existed back then. For instance, you had disaster movies, satanist movies, rape-revenge movies, bigfoot movies, sexy cheerleader movies, nature-gone-amok movies, "hicksploitation" movies, killer kid movies, "roughie" porn movies, Manson Family exploitation movies, ad infinitum. A small but interesting subgenre that not much has ever been written about, however, is the sexy female hitchhiker movies. These are sometimes thrown in with the much larger "road movie" genre, but they're very different in many ways. It is admittedly kind of loose subgenre that varies from cautionary TV movies like "Diary of a Teenage Hitchhiker" to cult oddities like "The Pick Up" and "Hitchhike to Hell" to softcore/sexploitation flicks like "Pets" (there were also no doubt some hardcore entries I'm unaware of). This movie is about two teenage friends who leave their depressing lives (one of them is pregnant) to seek their fortunes in Los Angeles. They're hit on by about every guy they meet including a motel night clerk, a skeevy traveling salesman played by Les "Uncle Leo" Lesser, and a grossly overweight, small-town crime boss played by the director himself. The main conflict begins after they steal and go "joyriding" in the crime boss' car, not knowing that the trunk contains the proceeds of armored car heist.

This movie is kind of a mixed bag, but generally I liked it. The two girls do have some inane conversations as the other reviewers said (they spend an inordinate amount of time discussing toothpaste), but they're likable, especially the confident, larcenous brunette (Leslie Ackerman), who actually has some pretty good lines: "I'm not about to stay around here and make the bedsprings squeak with Jellyroll" (referring to the fat, lecherous gangster/director). The girls are both attractive (if pretty unconvincing as high school students) and the lack of anything resembling nudity is pretty regrettable (the TV movie "Diary of a Teenage Hitchhiker" with an underdressed, pre-"Dallas" Charlene Tilton was a lot more sexy frankly), but it didn't bother me THAT much. It is refreshingly politically incorrect, and the ending is kind of sappy, but also kind of cynical in that 70's way.

The director Mel Welles was not exactly an auteur, but he had an interest career starting out as an actor for Roger Corman and directing no-budget minor cult items like "Lady Frankenstein" and "The Maneater of Hydra" in Europe. He gets the most out of a low-budget and keeps things movie despite the occasional clunky dialogue scene(and he bravely casts himself in a pretty unflattering role). And if you like this, you might also want to check out "Girls on the Road", which is very similar but made earlier in the 70's.

This muddled, obscure action film was barely released to theaters and for a good reason. It's a poorly shot movie with bad cinematography, editing, sound design, etc. The two leads are likable enough, but hardly qualify as the film's heroes. Mel Welles (who had directed/starred in a number of classic B-movies in the '50s and '60s) can't really seem to gel the story too well (the script seemed to have been doctored by other people during pre-production to make the film sell). The movie is an odd mixture of sex comedy, drama, action, and crime thriller. The badly staged car chases are not exciting and the film suffers with too much underdevelopment of the principal characters. All we know is the two young girls come from dysfunctional families and they decide to leave for Hollywood with dreams of stardom. They run into Welles, playing local gangster Tank McCall, and owns a white Cadillac containing two-million dollars of stolen money, as well as hidden drugs. When he makes advances towards the girls, they take off in the Cadillac and find themselves in hot pursuit by Tank's flunkies, the police, and even the girls' parents. Tries to be fun, but fails miserably.