The Happy Hooker Goes to Washington

The first "Happy Hooker" movie was actually watchable. It kept your interest fairly evenly. As for this piece of trash, it was not all that interesting, and was very horribly acted. You can't even value it for the camp value, or write it off as "well it was made in 1977". Cheesy story, and as I said the acting was less than amateur. The scenes with "The Shiek" were embarrassing, and the perpetually tanned George Hamilton as Xaviera Hollander's lawyer was awful. Billy Barty as a vertically-challanged CIA agent was just wrong. Harold Sakata was billed as Harold "Odd Job" Sakata, and his character was just as the credit suggests. Joey Heatherton looked great, but that's about it. For a film with the words "Happy Hooker" in the title, one would expect to see more nudity. Minor titilation wrapped around one badly-made movie. 0 stars out of 5.

The world's most famous madame (Joey Heatherton) is called to Washington to testify before Congress.

If you are looking for a high-class film or something artsy, you might want to look or something that does not include "happy hooker" in the title. This is basically one tasteless joke after another, and an ongoing parade of topless women. (Not many nude men, but that just goes to show you what was considered acceptable in the 1970s.) This seems like a good movie to watch with some friends and get drunk with. By no means do I think it deserves the low rating it has on IMDb. While not a great movie, it is too harsh to call it a bad movie.

Joey Heatherton takes the place of Lynn Redgrave in using the name of the famous Xaviera Hollander as the Happy Hooker. Joey's in some serious trouble, she's being held up as an example of the moral decay in America. A Senate subcommittee consisting of David White, Ray Walston, Phil Foster, and Jack Carter is holding hearings on that issue and Heatherton is her star witness.

But often one hand of the government doesn't know what the other is doing. At the same time she's being pilloried in this Senate committee, the CIA wants her to seduce an Arab sheik played by Jerry Fischer. If only handling Osama Bin-Laden was this easy. Heatherton is nothing if not a patriot though and her duty is clear.

In the end the sheik and Heatherton come to a meeting of minds that solves all their problems.

The film is dopey and God only knows what a whole lot of recognizable faces were doing in this thing. But it's also kind of fun. In fact it would take more than a dozen years before topics like these were discussed in the Halls of Congress. I refer to the Clarence Thomas confirmation hearings.

But if you're loving large female breasts, this film is for you.

In THE HAPPY HOOKER GOES TO WASHINGTON, the title character, Xaviera Hollander (Joey Heatherton) is going about her daily work, unaware that senate hearings are being convened to look into "sexual excesses in America".

Meanwhile, photographer, Rip Taylor, in his best fiberglass wig, takes pictures of call girls.

Next, we're off to an extremely bland orgy, where Ms. Hollander is subpoenaed to testify before the senate. Much 1970's-style, very creaky humor follows. When Xaviera struts onto Capitol Hill, she finds herself up against the self-righteous, hypocritical perverts who turn the wheels of government.

Cue the naked flashbacks.

Not that this movie has to have an actual point to it, but just what the hell is going on? Watching this is like having been slipped a drug that causes sensuality to be insufferably dull!

FACTS LEARNED FROM THIS FILM: #1- Joey Heatherton is hot enough to boil the Mediterranean Sea! #2- The disco era must not have been as fun as it's purported to have been!

WARNING: Watching this movie may cause your skull to splinter outwards like a grenade!...

Who thought the world needed a sequel to the original "Happy Hooker" film? Was the first one really that popular? Guess you had to be there. History tells us this movie was made at the tail end of the sexual revolution, ground zero in the disco era, and it shows--I can't imagine anyone being shocked by this turkey. It's also a true bridge between the first film, which was sexless TV-movie camp, and the third one, which was mindlessly dull soft-core.

Xaviera Hollander, famous hooker and now magazine magnate (oh sure) gets summoned to Washington for a trial about indecency involving...well, does it really matter? I've seen this film about 20 times since I was a kid and it would play on cable and I still couldn't tell you what it's "about." The first half is best and I usually turn it off about the time Xaviera gets kidnapped by Billy Barty (don't ask). The draw of the first half makes it all worthwhile to me, it's just berserk: Rip Taylor screaming and throwing fake snow around while photographing a topless extra from "Jesus Christ Superstar." Joey Heatherton looking beautiful and probably stoned out of her gourd, trying to act sexy and free but appearing a tad confused as to what she's accomplishing by being in this film (doesn't look like it helped her career much). A host of has-been 50's and 60's TV stars with bloodshot eyes doing cameos (Ray Walston? George Hamilton??). Bad 70's costumes and set designs, strange editing/foleying choices and enough teen-age-humor sex puns to fill a blow-up sex doll. Which is not to say it isn't entertaining--it is, I still laugh at the commercial parodies and the ding-bat sexpot stenographer who has trouble spelling a certain very naughty word (by the way...DO you hyphenate it, I wonder?)

But it's not sexy, just fyi. Despite a preponderance of exposed breasts, it's very like the first film, all innocent fun, the sex is at the level of a geeky teenager, which I was when I saw this, so it suited me fine. The second half is dull and disjointed; Xaviera has to seduce a stereo-typed Middle Eastern character and everything falls apart--they either ran out of money or everyone was zonked on drugs by the time they wrapped shooting. It just literally runs out of steam and simply stops at about the 90 minute mark.

I will always have a fond place in my heart (or somewhere) for Xaviera and her filmed exploits and so I'm glad this dumb film exists, but if you want titillation or even good exploitation you'll have to keep looking. Oh, and the new DVD transfer is absolutely stunning--talk about polishing a...well, never-mind...