Queen Kong

Never has a film contained so much embarrassment. Not only on the part of the directors, producers, writers and actors, but on the person who has accidentally been duped into watching it. Perhaps the first thing I should say is that I watch bad movies - BAD movies - all the time. They don't phase me, I can sometimes see things in bad films that others can't. Maybe those things aren't there. Either way, bad movies get a lot of bad rep.

Farouk (Frank) Agrama's 1976 atrocity, Queen Kong, is almost certainly the worst film I have ever seen. Worse than Plan 9. Worse than Raiders of the Living Dead. Worse than Bride of the Monster. It is about 750 billion times worse than the Dino DeLaurentiis remake of King Kong and about 984 billion times worse than Peter Jackson's over-long take on the story.

Frankly, this film was doomed from the start. It was produced by Harmony Gold, a typically useless independent company (though they managed to drag themselves out of the gutter in the 80's and are now quite reputable). The writers/producers Ronald Dobrin (Robin Dobria) and Farouk Agrama (Frank Agrama) have assembled one of the worst casts, constructed THE worst ape suit and hired the least skilled effects technicians. The result is, as you can imagine, not pretty.

Much of the film takes place in Lazanga (where they do the Konga...apparently) though you would be forgiven for mistaking it for the English countryside. Combined with the bottom rate acting of Robin Askwith (better know for "Confessions of a Window Cleaner" which is hardly Citizen Kane) and the obviously embarrassed Rula Lenska, this is indeed a depressing affair. The utterly ridiculous ape suit is beyond laughable - much like the film itself - it is just depressing.

As the location moves to London (which recreates the theater scene from the 1933 King Kong in a cheaply designed open air setup) the script descends even further and the production values crash and burn. Surprisingly, it isn't the first time London has been ravaged by a giant ape (see 1961's KONGA) but it IS the first time the ape has looked so unconvincing. Cue cut scenes of postcard London landmarks and a dire-straits intimate moment between Queen Kong and Ray Fay (like Fay Wray - geddit?). Before you know it the film is over and you have lost 90 minutes of you life.

If you want to see a bad film, watch Agrama's 1980 effort (Dawn Of The Mummy) and avoid this one. It is beyond being simple 'bad', it is a crime against cinema (it seems that Paramount Pictures agreed, they attempted to sue Harmony Gold in 1976). This film is also guilty of theft. It WILL steal 90 minutes from you which you WON'T get back. Go ahead, call the police, they won't be interested! Do yourself a favour. Don't. Just don't.

The film stars Robin Askwith as Ray Fay, Rula Lenska's character (a film director) is called Luce Habit. There's a few other recognizable actors in the film, well I recognized them - Carol Drinkwater (The first Mrs.Herriot from the BBC TV series All Creatures Great & Small)), Robin worked with the second Mrs.Herriot Linda Bellingham in "Driving Instructor" so I guess Robin and Christopher Timothy have something in common (though I doubt Robin had an affair with Drinkwater), the other recognizable actors are Valerie Leon of Carry On fame, and Linda Hayden in a cameo role playing a Singing Nun.

Here's the plot - Luce is filming in the jungle, her lead actor can't handle the riggers of the job and storms out of the camp, which is appropriate because he plays a "Camp" character. So Luce goes to London searching for a new male lead, "he has to be gentle yet strong and manly", guess who she picks. Luce drugs Ray and takes him to the jungle Island Lazanga "where they do the Conga" to finish her film. While filming of course they discover a village of maidens led by Valerie Leon as the Bikini clad High Priestess, of course they decide Ray a perfect sacrifice for Queen Kong, so they capture him and leave him on a giant table inside a cake for Queen Kong to eat. Of course Queen Kong doesn't eat Ray, but she does fall in love with him. The rest of the story is pretty much like the original King Kong, they take Queen Kong to England and all hell breaks loose.

The opening credits song for Queen Kong has to be heard to be believed, here's the lyrics - Queen Kong, Queen Kong Queen Kong is the chick with all the hair Queen Kong comes from I don't know where Kong Kong Kong Kong Kong Kong Queen Queen Queen Queen Queen, Queen Kong She's a Queenie who aint weenie She's a Queenie Queenie Queenie for my weenie When I'm feeling mighty spunky I want to do it with my hunky monkey Queenie Queenie Queenie Queenie, Queen Kong Kong Kong Kong Kong, Queen Kong

Queen Kong is riddled with bad jokes, but Robin & Rula deliver them without batting an eyelid, here's one of the early ones in the film that made me cringe, Robin's begging for a joint from some hippies - "Hey man have you got a joint, come on just let me have one please, I won't bother you again" the Hippie says "know man you're always after a joint, you say just one, but you keep coming back for more, beat it man, I said beat it man" Robin says " I tried beating it, but the Pope said it was wrong". Here's one of Rula's, Robin says " look at that great wall, what lies behind that great wall" Rula's reply "the Chinese have always lied behind the great wall"

The special effects for Queen Kong (if you can call them special) are terrible, they quite fit the film though, I have a feeling they're extra lo w budget on purpose.

OK, I liked the film, it kinda had the same feel as a Leslie Nielson "Naked Gun" film, and there's a link, the Queen impersonator in the first Naked Gun movie also appears in Queen Kong. Queen Kong definitely deserves to be taken from the vault and released properly, I would love to one day own a special edition widescreen version on DVD, with a commentary by Robin and Rula, but that'll probably never happen. But hey! Tim Burtons doing a remake of Planet Of The Apes, maybe with all the monkey hype that's going to be hitting us next year, someone might figure let's cash in, just a fantasy I know.

This gender bent spoof of King Kong was hard to see until the advent of DVD. Thats a shame because its better than the film that producers of the remake of King Kong unleashed on the unsuspecting world. Having not pretense at being anything other than a send up this film lets it all go in what is mostly a good but really dumb comedy. The problem with the film is that even at a running time of around 80 minutes this movie is way too long. There is only enough material to sustain a 20 minute short and its stretched to fill a feature. The lack of material leaves many dead spots and allows for some really bad material to creep in. Had this been shorter it would have been better (say as a sketch on SNL), but as it stands now its a very interesting side note to the debacle that was the 1976 King Kong remake.

Queen Kong (1976)

BOMB (out of 4)

A tough female director is in the tough jungle with her tough female crew when the latest actor quits. She's able to find a man (Robin Askwith) who takes the lead role but once in the jungle the crew runs into a giant female ape. Sure enough, the ape falls for the man.

QUEEN KONG is a British production that was meant to try and make fun of the Dino De Laurentiis film KING KONG. This wasn't just your typical rip-off but the film also tried to be something like Monty Python and to say it failed would be an understatement. If you read around for reviews you'll see that there are many people out there who hate it like me. However, I think some of the reviews were quite unfair. As awful as the movie is I'd argue that it was at least semi well-made and it at least wasn't on the same level as something from Jerry Warren.

With that said, it was quite torturous to sit through this film because of how unfunny it is. I mean, there wasn't a single time throughout the film where I even cracked a smile. The worst thing about the movie is the fact that it's so darn annoying and that's especially true for the lead actor who is given some of the worst one-liners that you're ever going to hear. I'm not sure what type of drugs were being passed around by the screenwriters but whatever lines they wrote that they thought was funny just didn't come across on the screen.

Even with the comedy being so awful one would wish that they could at least have some fun with the monsters but that's not the case either. They all look incredibly cheap and awful but to be fair they're really no better or worse than the majority of the Godzilla movies that were made earlier in the decade. QUEEN KONG has an awful reputation and it really deserves it. The entire idea just really blows up in the viewers face and they're left with a really challenging movie to get through.

Movie director, Luce Habit (Rula Lenzka) needs a leading man for her latest epic. She discovers Ray Fay (Robin Askwith), drugs him (!), and whisks him away from London to Lazanga. With her all-female crew, Luce is all set for filming.

Native troubles, the entrance of the titular beast, and general idiocy ensue.

QUEEN KONG is -obviously- a British parody of its male counterpart. For a comedy, it suffers from a dire lack of any real humor. It's peppered with antiquated, anything-but-funny "jokes" that couldn't possibly have elicited laughs, even in 1976! It's sort of like a really long, completely awful episode of The Benny Hill Show.

Yes, there are bikini-clad dancing girls.

This could possibly be the most inane, eye-gouging-ly dull movie to ever come out of the UK!

In addition to the "monster" of the title we also get a woman-eating rose bush, and a man in a cardboard dinosaur costume.

For his part, Askwith seems to be having a blast, like he does in all of his movies. His Mick Jagger / Brian Jones-hybrid look and goofy persona are always likeable. It's just not enough to salvage this saggy saga.

Good luck with this bowl of rotten bananas!...