Queen Kong

What happens when a big-shot film producer like Dino De Laurentiis orders to take a low-budget production like "Queen Kong" out of circulation, supposedly because it discredits his own remake of the classic 1933 film? That's right, "Queen Kong" immediately became an immense cult-hit and probably a lot more popular than it ever would have been if De Laurentiis had simply ignored it! This is one of the most deranged comedies ever, only you laugh at how ridiculous it is and not so much at the script-jokes or parody situations. "Queen Kong" looks fresh & funny for about 10 minutes; during the opening sequences in which you unexpectedly witness that women are the strong gender here and men are all just redundant and insignificant wimps. The humor stops right after the "Libertine Lady" song which, I admit, has some of the coolest lyrics ever ("Burn your bra...Burn your panties...Call your mum...Call your aunties") and the rest of the film is amateurish nonsense and actually quite boring. Copying the original "King Kong" bit by bit, the story revolves on a female film crew that sets foot on a tropical island where the (once again female) natives idolize a humongous (oh yes...female) ape, named Queen Kong". She immediately fancies the male love interest of the film crew (character name: Ray Fay – ha ha!). Watching this film is only amusing in case you're severely drunk or under the influence of soft drugs, as it is a series of absurd gags that you simply can't appreciate in a sober condition. The special effects are lousy and the monsters even look faker than the ones in the absolute cheapest Japanese Godzilla rip-offs. It's a real shame that several of the cast members agreed to star in this garbage. They all previously starred in good, solid Brit-horror films. The gorgeous Valerie Léon was in "Blood From the Mummy's Tomb" and Linda Hayden (luckily, she only has a cameo) was in "Blood on Satan's Claw" and "Madhouse". The male lead Robin Askwith played in "Horror Hospital" and the regretfully underrated "Tower of Evil".

When I saw Konga from 1961, I thought it was the worst King Kong parody ever made. I had no idea how wrong I was before watching this. Even for a comedy/parody, it was atrocious and depressing to watch.

This movie was meant to capitalize on the 1976 remake of King Kong and make it a comedy, but thanks to the shoestring budget of $632,000 and total incompetence of the cast and crew, this film is so shamelessly campy and cheap, it was a jaw dropping failure. And worst of all, all of the jokes fall flat on their faces.

The sets for the village and wall were incredibly cheap and the miniature city Queen Kong rampages through doesn't look very good either. Even by budget 70s movie standards, the creature effects were God-awful. The Queen Kong suit looked inferior to Konga with only her eyes being functional. The T-Rex and Pteranodon suits were even worse being loose fitting, rubber outfits that looked less impressive than a child's home-made Halloween costume. You can even see the monsters moving among normal sized plants and trees because there wasn't enough money for a miniature forest set.

I know this is a parody, but they could have at least tried to improvise more or rework the humor. Just so you know, Monty Python and the Holy Grail only cost about half as much as this and was a smash hit. Maybe if the crew handled things a little differently with their meager budget, they could have made a somewhat better film, but that never happened.

The camera footage often looked fogged up or messy and haphazardly jumps from one sloppy shot to the next. Half the time he spends being carried by Queen Kong, Askwith is obviously in front of a projector screen with a background so blurry, you can't even make it out.

The God-awful 70's rock song in the opening credits had some of the most hilariously bad and cringeworthy lyrics I've ever heard. "Queenie for my weenie?" Oh brother... "Liberated Lady" was only slightly more bearable to listen to. There's even this cheesy disco music playing as Queen Kong chases the group through the jungle that made it feel like a Scooby-Doo skit.

The cast gave an unsurprisingly corny and lazy performance. Lenska looks and sounds absolutely miserable throughout the whole movie and Askwith was either boring or irritating to watch. Both of them were humiliated to have starred in this mess, and who can blame them?

I can't even describe this as so bad, it's good. More like, it's so bad, it's horrible and almost unwatchable so don't waste your time.

Movie director, Luce Habit (Rula Lenzka) needs a leading man for her latest epic. She discovers Ray Fay (Robin Askwith), drugs him (!), and whisks him away from London to Lazanga. With her all-female crew, Luce is all set for filming.

Native troubles, the entrance of the titular beast, and general idiocy ensue.

QUEEN KONG is -obviously- a British parody of its male counterpart. For a comedy, it suffers from a dire lack of any real humor. It's peppered with antiquated, anything-but-funny "jokes" that couldn't possibly have elicited laughs, even in 1976! It's sort of like a really long, completely awful episode of The Benny Hill Show.

Yes, there are bikini-clad dancing girls.

This could possibly be the most inane, eye-gouging-ly dull movie to ever come out of the UK!

In addition to the "monster" of the title we also get a woman-eating rose bush, and a man in a cardboard dinosaur costume.

For his part, Askwith seems to be having a blast, like he does in all of his movies. His Mick Jagger / Brian Jones-hybrid look and goofy persona are always likeable. It's just not enough to salvage this saggy saga.

Good luck with this bowl of rotten bananas!...

"Queen Kong" has been hard to find on DVD or even video until very recently. Sadly it really isn't worth the effort, but there are many laughs to be had at how bad it is.

The film parodies the exact same plot as the famous classic, the twist here being that all the genders have been reversed. I don't think that would ever have worked as a movie, but as the budget here is so excruciatingly low, it is doomed no matter how funny the jokes are...and they are NOT. The general tone is something along the lines of a1970's Benny Hill special, most obvious in a scene when the lady jungle explorers walk past a giant Muppet-style animated plant tendril which proceeds to grope them in the boobs and bums as they jiggle past, squealing in light hearted protest. Yes folks, it really is that low. Well maybe that's harsh, in fact "light-hearted" is quite an apt description, as nearly all of the cast behave as though they are convinced that nobody is ever going to see this movie and they all just enjoy themselves without trying to actually do any acting at all.

I'll take Rula Lenska out of that observation though, as she does actually apply herself to the thankless role of "Luce Habit" the movie director and big game hunter, even though the lines she has to say are all toe-curlingly awful. It seems to me like the whole movie script was worked out on one evening in a bar and written on a napkin. In contrast to Rula Lenska, Robin Askwith behaves like he's got no brain at all.

The giant ape herself doesn't look too bad (yes - I was surprised too!), but no real effort is made to make her look 64 feet tall...she's constantly filmed next to very ordinary bushes and shrubs that never look remotely like full sized trees. Amazingly, there are some very large and not too shabby miniature sets made up to look like Tower Bridge and other parts of London, but sadly the budget must have been used up on making Tower Bridge, as when Queen Kong climbs Big Ben, they blend her image with just a photograph of the tower, and we only ever see the pointed roof in close up! What really screws "Queen Kong" into the ground is the really, REALLY, bad jokes in the script, which honestly would have been turned down by even the lamest TV sitcom. Very funny jokes would have made the threadbare production values bearable, but as it stands there's nothing good coming at you from any angle. Only the rarity of the movie makes this DVD worth tracking down.

The film stars Robin Askwith as Ray Fay, Rula Lenska's character (a film director) is called Luce Habit. There's a few other recognizable actors in the film, well I recognized them - Carol Drinkwater (The first Mrs.Herriot from the BBC TV series All Creatures Great & Small)), Robin worked with the second Mrs.Herriot Linda Bellingham in "Driving Instructor" so I guess Robin and Christopher Timothy have something in common (though I doubt Robin had an affair with Drinkwater), the other recognizable actors are Valerie Leon of Carry On fame, and Linda Hayden in a cameo role playing a Singing Nun.

Here's the plot - Luce is filming in the jungle, her lead actor can't handle the riggers of the job and storms out of the camp, which is appropriate because he plays a "Camp" character. So Luce goes to London searching for a new male lead, "he has to be gentle yet strong and manly", guess who she picks. Luce drugs Ray and takes him to the jungle Island Lazanga "where they do the Conga" to finish her film. While filming of course they discover a village of maidens led by Valerie Leon as the Bikini clad High Priestess, of course they decide Ray a perfect sacrifice for Queen Kong, so they capture him and leave him on a giant table inside a cake for Queen Kong to eat. Of course Queen Kong doesn't eat Ray, but she does fall in love with him. The rest of the story is pretty much like the original King Kong, they take Queen Kong to England and all hell breaks loose.

The opening credits song for Queen Kong has to be heard to be believed, here's the lyrics - Queen Kong, Queen Kong Queen Kong is the chick with all the hair Queen Kong comes from I don't know where Kong Kong Kong Kong Kong Kong Queen Queen Queen Queen Queen, Queen Kong She's a Queenie who aint weenie She's a Queenie Queenie Queenie for my weenie When I'm feeling mighty spunky I want to do it with my hunky monkey Queenie Queenie Queenie Queenie, Queen Kong Kong Kong Kong Kong, Queen Kong

Queen Kong is riddled with bad jokes, but Robin & Rula deliver them without batting an eyelid, here's one of the early ones in the film that made me cringe, Robin's begging for a joint from some hippies - "Hey man have you got a joint, come on just let me have one please, I won't bother you again" the Hippie says "know man you're always after a joint, you say just one, but you keep coming back for more, beat it man, I said beat it man" Robin says " I tried beating it, but the Pope said it was wrong". Here's one of Rula's, Robin says " look at that great wall, what lies behind that great wall" Rula's reply "the Chinese have always lied behind the great wall"

The special effects for Queen Kong (if you can call them special) are terrible, they quite fit the film though, I have a feeling they're extra lo w budget on purpose.

OK, I liked the film, it kinda had the same feel as a Leslie Nielson "Naked Gun" film, and there's a link, the Queen impersonator in the first Naked Gun movie also appears in Queen Kong. Queen Kong definitely deserves to be taken from the vault and released properly, I would love to one day own a special edition widescreen version on DVD, with a commentary by Robin and Rula, but that'll probably never happen. But hey! Tim Burtons doing a remake of Planet Of The Apes, maybe with all the monkey hype that's going to be hitting us next year, someone might figure let's cash in, just a fantasy I know.