Porno Paradise

I am cleaning my porn collection, throwing away so many films that have pleased me for years. And then, I come to "The opening of Misty Beethoven ". I take the time to re-watch it for the umpteenth time. and the magic still works. Kuzos for the scenario ( for instance,how brilliant to start it all in gay Paris ); for the acting of this unique porn male actor, Jamie Gillis, superb here as he may never be; for the presence of lovely Jacqueline Beaudant, so credible in her ecstasies; and, last but not least, the magnificent Constance Money, the unique Misty, the gorgeous, still frail-looking goddess of this unique production. And what about the music: this haunting beat-rising, savage and tender rhythm accompanying the love scenes (for that is what they are: real lovemaking action, no smut here, no way! ) This movie has to be in a class by itself, suffering no comparison to any other sex-explicit "pellicula". No doubt about it, Henry Pachard has surpassed himself. And " Misty Beethoven will stay here, in my Vidovic among all the others, all types merged, a jewel of its own.

Here it is, the U.S. Gold Standard of porn by which all other Golden Age classics shall be held accountable, the finest adult film ever made both by critical consensus as from a fan's point of view. Director Radley Metzger of course had a solid background in mainstream movie-making with tasteful titillation along the lines of CAMILLE 2000 and THERESE AND ISABELLE to his credit before taking the plunge into explicit territory with a mere five high class productions. SCORE and THE PUNISHMENT OF ANNE, both of which contain a limited amount of hardcore footage might be considered borderline cases, and his collaboration on French fornication filmmaker Gérard Kikoïne's stateside endeavors THE TALE OF TIFFANY LUST and APHRODESIA'S DIARY has gone largely uncredited.

THE OPENING OF MISTY BEETHOVEN rests proudly in the middle of this fabulous five-some, following THE PRIVATE AFTERNOONS OF PAMELA MANN and NAKED CAME THE STRANGER yet preceding BARBARA BROADCAST and MARASCHINO CHERRY. Its charm, style, wit and grace - qualities not commonly associated with porn - remain unparallelled within even what is generally considered this genre's finest hour. Every single aspect of production has been handled with the utmost care, mostly by Metzger's "real world" collaborators hiding behind aliases if credited at all, from its sumptuous cinematography to its lively library soundtrack. Unlike other well-produced fornication fare though, this one also has all the scorching sex to cement its legendary reputation for generations to come. This is the kind of adult film that should sway even the most ardent of naysayers, unless the very thought of explicit eroticism repels them. It was made by and for intelligent people who can also appreciate a good dirty joke.

Borrowing its plot from Shaw's PYGMALION, MISTY finds noted sexologist Dr Seymour Love (porn's bad boy Jamie Gillis cast against type and delivering a career performance) cruising the streets of Paris and running into a coarse streetwalker by name of Misty - formerly Dolores - Beethoven, played to perfection by the all too rarely seen Constance Money who made only a handful of flicks. Never one to resist a challenge and fired up because of a wager with fellow jet-setter Geraldine (radiant one shot Jaqueline Beudant), Seymour invites the girl to come along to his mansion in the States where he will groom her to become the next Goldenrod Girl of naughty magazine publishing tycoon Lawrence Layman (shockingly handsome Ras Kean, star of Armand Weston's extraordinary neo noir EXPOSE ME, LOVELY), a title only bestowed on women who are revered the world over for their exceptional beauty, sensuality and lovemaking skills. On a crash course, Misty's put through her sexual paces, gaining insight and technique as she's presented with a number of "difficult" cases for seduction. All the while, she is falling in love with her mentor who doesn't or merely pretends not to notice

It is absolutely impossible to overpraise this magnificent movie. While other adult flicks made since might conceivably eclipse it in certain areas, there has yet to be one made that surpasses it all across the board. The sheer brilliance of the leads (who share a pleasingly palpable chemistry) is ably supported by a cast filled to the brim with fan favorites, most of whom deliver equally fine performances vertically as well as horizontally. Terri Hall, reuniting with Gillis following their perfect pairing in Gerard Damiano's scorching STORY OF JOANNA, shines as ballerina Tanya who does a sweltering Sapphic number on beautiful Beudant. Gay porn icon Casey Donovan of BOYS IN THE SAND infamy plays the effeminate gallery owner who finds himself at Misty's mercy and also supplies the buttocks for the Ras Kean pegging portion of the legendary three-way involving Misty and Gloria Leonard, the latter then at the start of what was to become a most distinguished career in the adult field.

.

Jack Horner, Burt Reynolds' character in Boogie Nights, was determined to make "a real movie." This is probably what it would have looked like, right down to the mid '70s production quality and costumes. No one should be ashamed to admit they've watched it. It is a witty, intelligent comedy that just happens to be a porn film. Watch the exchange between Jamie Gillis and the flight attendant for proof of this. It's just as funny as anything in an early Woody Allen film. And the "swindle singing" that was featured prominently in Butch Cassidy & the Sundance Kid and Allen's Everything You've Always Wanted to Know About Sex gets a real workout here. And dare I say that this is a really good "date flick," of course after you've been dating for a while. I remember this movie playing in Northern Virginia for 12 years, from 1976 or so to 1988. Had video stores not flourished in the late '80s, I would be willing to bet that it would still be playing. It definitely has staying power, and the dated quality of the film just adds to the appeal.

This film could only have been made in the 70's during a very brief period in porn and the general population of the US when it was possible to make an erotic film of more than fake moans and money shots because porn actually for a brief few years had a potentially wide outlet both in terms of who would go see them and where they could be shown.

I'm a woman and I first saw it at the University of Minnesota where they were going to show it in a 1000 seat theatre one time for one night. (Try getting any porn onto a campus now.) They added two more showing to that night and then kept it around for a month or so with 3 shows on Fri and Sat. All the major papers in Mpls and St. Paul accepted ads back then for porn and X rated movies in addition to all the weeklies and student paper. Believe it or not but the reception of Deep Throat (a lousy movie IMHO) being so wide and broad it was made this possible. (Most major papers won't even accept an advert for a NC-17 movie nowadays.)

It was wonderful, the audience was made of both sexes, young and old and probably 60% couples and the film was loved. Women walked out smiling and hot. What I liked about it was the women actually looked liked they were having fun, and the sex was shot with the men actually satisfying women. (Go see Showgirls for a movie which in the major sex scene the actress looked like she was having a epileptic fit.) Additionally, there was always a tenderness exhibited during all "major" scenes which was unheard of before and after this period. For instance bodies got played with, there was cuddling after a few hour stand?? Revolutionary, toss in the humour and ending and well -- what more could you ask for.

But what was really wonderful was that so many of us women finally had an erotic movie that we could thoroughly enjoy on all levels just like the men. For the last 30 years I been telling everyone this was the best, the ultimate porn flick for everyone. Such a shame it's not one of a large group.

When the filmmaker in Paul Thomas Anderson's BOOGIE NIGHTS waxes elegiac about what porn could have been--a porn movie that's a real movie--THE OPENING OF MISTY BEETHOVEN is what he's talking about. Directed by Radley Metzger under the nom de guerre Henry Paris, this remake of "Pygmalion" has some wit, stylish production design, a story, rhythm, characters, and, if you can believe it, some not at all bad acting. Nothing else--not even Metzger/Paris' big-selling BARBARA BROADCAST--ever equaled it. See it, laugh, and mourn for what could have been.