King Kong revient

Truly awful King Kong rip-off that is so bad you have to see it to believe it. The ape, said to be thirty-six feet tall, is just some guy in a cheap gorilla suit that the filmmakers got at a costume shop or a yard sale. This isn't even a full body ape suit. It's got sleeves with gloves. There are several instances where you can see the skin of the guy's wrists as he moves his arms about. That's the level of quality we're talking here. That's how few *beeps* this movie gives. He's filmed mostly from the chest up. When they do try to show you some scale for the ape's size, they do it with cheap stuff like toy boats and crummy miniature buildings. The ape also moves in slow motion throughout the movie. Let me be clear: they didn't slow down the film. The "actor" in the ape suit just moved really slowly to emulate slow motion! Like a kid playing make believe.

The cast is especially bad. This is the film debut of Joanna Kerns, the mom from "Growing Pains." Her screams will haunt me for weeks. So unbelievably shrill. Be prepared to turn your volume down. Laughably, at one point while in the palm of the ape's hand, Kerns stops screaming and says "Be gentle with me, big guy." She returns to screaming almost immediately. Bizarre! Kerns has a romantic subplot with a very '70s-looking guy named Rod Arrants. They kiss a lot. Pretty much every time they are in the same scene, Arrants is all over her. Long-time character actor Alex Nicol plays a foul-mouthed Army Colonel here. I have to believe his performance is intended to be funny. It makes no sense any other way. Bruce MacRae is listed as responsible for the music. He should have been arrested and charged with assault. The score is relentless and will make your ears bleed.

As the helicopters approach the ape, he stands there and makes these wild gestures with his arms. For the life of me, it looks a lot like he's dancing. Was the guy in the ape suit inebriated? Very likely. Further evidence of this is the scene where the ape flips off the Army. Yeah. The guy in the ape suit was loaded for sure. It's so terrible. There are lots of pointless scenes. Such as when the ape pulls a snake off of a tree and throws it -- hitting the camera! This goes nowhere. It just cuts away to another scene and when it returns to the ape he's moved on to something else. The only reason I'm giving this a 2 instead of a 1 is because of the unintended comedy. It's one of the worst movies ever made.

Nowhere near as good as "Mighty Peking Man" as far as King Kong rip-offs, "Ape" is good to look at just to see the fair miniatures and little else. The best "bad" hilarious movies are those that never intended to be that; in "Ape", the Ape gets mad gives the finger in one scene, obviously in a deliberate attempt for laughs, which in turn, makes it pretty unfunny.

The sound effects are BAD, there's a decent 'bad' fight with a giant shark which couldn't look much more fake if they tried, plus the Ape trashes a few buildings. If you are a giant monster film fan, this probably won't get more than a few viewings in your entire lifetime but it's good to watch and take off your list of films to see, plus to examine how badly this one was made. All in all, some fun, but pretty bad.

Watch in horror as the A*P*E Mercilessly attacks the same building in 5 different shots, and then sometimes the same shot repeated later in the film. Marvel at the special effects as foam pieces fly off the "rocks" that fall toward the same three men also repeated about five times. Become engrossed in the finely developed characters, and their emotional dialogue like "Just too big for a small world like ours," or "Lets see him dance for his organ grinder now!"

If the makers of this film were serious, I'll be a monkey's uncle, haha. But seriously, you'll have an ape of a time(I don't even think people say that one). I'm not monkeying around; you'll go bananas!

Important note: you can see the head part of the ape costume moving seperately from the rest of the costume and you don't even have to be looking.

Here's what I really think: It's bad, oh boy is it ever, especially the repeated stock footage and footage from other movies, and the 3 minutes, LITERALLY 3 MINUTES, of time wasted by showing children playing with a puppet. There is a shot of firemen rushing through the supposedly panic-stricken city but look closely(or not so closely you can still see it); In the background you can see people shopping. Let's not forget the ending (don't worry, you won't care if I tell you how it ends) which is 15 minutes of tanks shooting, soldiers running up to the camera looking into it, and then shooting 3 or 4 rounds out of a rifle I'm certain only holds one round(I don't know anything about guns, but it had the handle dealy on the side that you cock to load and unload). All this while the ape disco dances which I suppose is him being shot and reacting, but I would think that all that firepower and he would probably run away. Then the ape dies. You can tell it's going to happen too, because after what seems like hours of being shot in the head and chest, the A*P*E vomits blood. These things are the reason to watch the movie. I'm not exaggerating when I say A*P*E is one of the funniest films of all time.

This movie is so terrible, yet so funny. There are so many flaws with this movie. Many parts of the movie have nothing to do with the plot. The ape one time wears shoes, flicks the camera(and its no accident, he holds it for 4 seconds), and seems to be different sized throughout the movie. You cannot make a worse movie. Period. This movie must be seen, it is too funny to explain.

This movie hates you. No two ways about it. It wants to hurt you for seeing it.

Characters in this movie speak in a stream of continual profanities, fire flaming arrows and guns at the audience (while smiling), and the gorilla throws rocks at you and flips you the bird.

The acting is mostly abominable. The effects are worse. Nothing makes much sense. The editing is choppy. The shots are poorly composed. The locations are grey, barren, and aggressively ugly. Stock footage is piled on and looped.

Boring filler is shoved in wherever it will fit to pad out the slight story to 90 minutes. Then, it takes forever to finally end. (More punishment for you, the viewer.) Oh, and it's nominally in 3-D too.

A hateful, hateful movie.