'It's Alive!'

I give this movie 1 star, but I mean it in a good way. ;-) How do you rate a hideously awful movie you have so much fun watching? It makes "Plan 9" look good. It makes "Manos" -- okay, never mind, not Manos. "Eegah" maybe, but not "Manos." This is one for the MST3K crowd. My brother and I had stumbled across it on TV many years ago. It was by far the worst movie we had seen up to that point, and we cracked up all the way through it.

Years passed, and we had completely forgotten its title. I was on a slow quest to try to find the title again. Finally, finally, I described it in an online forum (before IMDb) and someone told me the title. The next quest was to find a copy. Time passed, and my lovely bride got me the DVD as a gift. We had to share it with our horrible-movie-watching gang.

When I saw that "It's Alive" was scheduled for a late night broadcast, I set the DVR, expecting to enjoy the 1974 "monster baby" B-movie of the same name. Initially I was annoyed to see that what I had recorded was a different flick, but if you like bad sci-fi, it turns out that this one has its own low-budget charms.

From the super-cheap look of the opening minutes, I fully expected to be amused by the appearance of creature, and was not disappointed. They really outdid themselves on this one; I've seen scarier (although similar) piñatas. Although it was clearly just a guy in a really bad monster suit --we're talking "Creature From the Haunted Sea" caliber here-- one split screen shot and a single line of dialogue reveal that the monster was apparently some 40 to 50 feet tall. Must be pretty cramped down in that cave. (Bad as it was though, to his penny-pinching credit, director Larry Buchanan was actually re-using the costume from his earlier movie "Creature of Destruction." The effects budgets of TWO movies to work with, and it still looks like an ill-tempered oriental goldfish... THAT's cheap!)

Buchanan (who I read has made several movies of the same dubious quality) also made the most of his meager casting budget. Has-been Tommy Kirk, several years after his role as the middle brother of the "Swiss Family Robinson," must have been getting pretty desperate by the time his agent dropped this steaming pile on his desk eight years later. He plugs along bravely as Wayne the paleontologist, and displays what could almost be called acting, although a gunshot wound he suffers is eventually either forgotten or ignored by the writer.

If Corveth Ousterhouse's very name doesn't make you want to slap him, his performance as monster snack #1 sure will. His character, Norman Sterns, is an unrelenting jackass from the first scene to his last, and no one (even his wife) seems too upset when he gets gobbled up by the "masasaurus." Wisely, Ousterouse decided to give up acting after this, his only film.

Speaking of the wife, Shirley Bonne stars as Mrs. Stern, who is so torn up by his getting eaten that one day after his death she is already laughing and making jokes about becoming a paleontologist's wife. "How terrible that Norman was killed by the creature. So tell me, Wayne, are you single?" Sharp-eyed Star Trek fans will recognize Bonne as Captain Kirk's past girlfriend "Ruth" from the 1966 Star Trek episode "Shore Leave." It's nice she got some lines this time; better if she learned to say them.

Annabelle Weenick (understandably, she changed her name to MacAdams for this film) a veteran of Buchanan's "In the Year 2889," plays Bella, a backwoods sufferer of Stockholm Syndrome. The most accidentally-hilarious scenes of the whole movie involve her brainwashing. As long as they were stretching for time, it would have been nice if they could have worked in at least one more example of the mind games her captor played; one mouse on a plate and a whistle in the face, and she's ready to be an accomplice to occasional kidnapping and murder.

This brings us to the real star of the show, another veteran of Buchanan schlock: Bill Thurman in a dual role (there's that pesky budget again!) as both Greely, and Greely's reptilian monster. Perpetually perspiring, he gleefully hams his way through almost every scene, whether locking up unwary tourists for the creature's rare dinner, discussing his thoughts on the food chain and the circle of life, or devising new tortures for poor Bella before skipping away giggling.

This movie was made for TV, and the minimum running time mandated by that constraint really shows. Although clocking in at only 85 minutes, probably a quarter of the time is comprised of interminable scenes of winding roads, winding caverns, or winding exposition. Still, if you like B-movies (maybe a C-minus would be more accurate) and have the fast-forward button ready, "It's Alive" can be a fun way to kill an hour or so.

It's Alive is sitting with a horrifically low IMDB rating and when you see the goofy ping pong eyed monster you can entirely understand why.

However, I kind of enjoyed it. And here is where my clear weird taste in movies comes in.

It tells the story of a couple who while driving through the country become lost and seek assistance from a man who runs an obscure show full of various animals on display. When he offers them a tour things turn bad and the man shows his true colours.

The creature though ridiculous looking is barely on screen and that is certainly in the movies favour. Instead we're treated to more of a psychological game between the captor and captives and I found myself fairly engrossed.

Flawed? Absolutely, but I enjoyed it regardless.

The Good:

Overall well constructed

The Bad:

That monster, really?

Some of the music was a tad overwhelming

Things I Learnt From This Movie:

Unless told men do not know that lack of food results in death

In yet another Larry Buchanan Z-grade train-wreck of a movie, "It's Alive" is about three people who get lost and wind up as captives of a deranged farmer. The whacko farmer locks them up in his cave exhibition, along with his lizard-man monster, to be served up as dinner for the farmer's green man-beast critter.

How is it that Larry Buchanan funded these rabidly bad movies? As with other films he directed, "It's Alive" suffers from bad dialog, bad acting, bad editing, bad lighting, bad stock music... you name it, it's bad. So bad that it's strangely fun to watch, though. It has a lot of the same themes as Manos: The Hands of Fate but it isn't nearly as mind-numbingly painful as Manos. If you're into bad sci-fi / horror flicks like me, then by all means waste an hour and a half of your life and watch "It's Alive". It's too bad they didn't have the Razzy Awards back in 1969 - Larry Buchanan would have certainly been a contender for worst director.

Despite its promising title, "IT'S ALIVE!" is dead on arrival. This late sixties TV creature feature opens with five full minutes of driving footage. Inside the car, outside of the car, just a bunch of driving. It tries to salvage the viewers' interest with an ominous voice-over narration that rambles about rain and sunshine. In the middle of this meaningless driving montage, we're treated to the opening credits where I discovered the one interesting thing about this movie. There's a paleontology credit, and it's attributed to Skip Frazee. A quick glimpse at Mr. Frazee's background and we see he was a sound engineer in the production world with no other paleontological credits before or after "IT'S ALIVE!". This makes sense because the movie's paleontology is limited to the revelation that the creature is a dinosaur and it should've gone extinct 65 million years ago. Good job. When the movie finally kicks into gear, we're introduced to the world's most irritating married couple, Norman (Corveth Ousterhouse) and Leilla (Shirley Boone) Sterns. The two are travelling across the country by car because Leilla loves to see America up close, and Norman never refrains from an opportunity to tell her how much he hates it. With night closing in and the gas tank nearly empty, Norman and Leilla are forced to pull into isolated reptile house tourist attraction in the middle of the woods. Here we're introduced to Greely (Bill Thurman) and his downtrodden housekeeper Bella (Annabelle Weenick), who harbor a deadly secret.

It doesn't take long for things to get weird around the Greely home. He acts shady from the moment he meets the miserable couple and, despite their bad feelings about their situation, they agree to a tour of Greely's "serpetorium". Greely runs a crappy little zoo that might've charmed mid-twentieth century America but has fallen out of favor since a new highway derailed his business. He's proud of his little operation, explaining that he caught all of the animals himself (where'd he catch a monkey in middle America?). His pride and joy rests deep underground in a cavern and he invites the couple down to view it, but surprise! It's a trap. Norman and Leilla find themselves imprisoned in the cavern with helpful paleontologist Wayne (Tommy Kirk), who had been taken captive when he stopped by Greely's to check in on the Sterns' auto troubles. Wayne plots their escape while Norman continues to prattle about how stupid he believes his wife to be, and the trio explore deeper into the cavern where they encounter Greely's favorite pet: a "dinosaur" monster. This monster costume is priceless. Wayne tries to identify the dinosaur species but it was nothing I'm familiar with and I'm sure it was bogus. The creature is your typical rubber suit, but it's got bulbous ping-pong ball eyes and rubber teeth that wobble and bounce in all directions. It shambles toward its victims and, since its face can't articulate, it kills them off screen and we're spared the action.

When that monster appeared, my views on this movie pulled a total about-face. I was willing to forgive the driving montage and unlikeable characters if this monster was going to go on a murder spree. But it never does. It takes its victim and then disappears back into its mud puddle until the final moments of the film. The remaining forty minutes are filler and garbage with yet another driving montage (not as long as the first) and then more than twenty minutes of flashing back to when Bella was taken captive. We spend a sizeable chunk of this crappy movie learning how Bella was a teacher who had the bad fortune to stop at Greely's and became his tormented house slave. None of it has anything to do with the dinosaur monster. Excuse me, "IT'S ALIVE" and director Larry Buchanan, but we came for the dinosaur monster. Give us the dinosaur monster and stop wasting our time. Maybe instead of unnecessary backstory, we could've used that time to show an escape attempt or something to up the tension. There are at least two occasions when Wayne, Leilla, and Norman could've jumped Bella (if she was uncooperative) and escaped through the access hatch she uses in the house's cellar. No, their plans are way more stupid. "IT'S ALIVE!" is seventy-five minutes of mindless filler with maybe (if I'm being generous) five minutes of worthwhile content. The dinosaur is severely underused, the characters are morons, and we didn't get nearly enough of Greely's fantastic maniacal laughter. That laugh and the dinosaur costume are the only reasons anyone should try and watch this movie, and there's barely enough of either in there to justify it.