Küss mich, Monster

As terrible as it was, I enjoyed this in a perverse "oh god, I could do better than that" kinda way. The guys who looked and acted like they'd flunked the Thunderbirds casting call. The dubbing that made me grateful that chop socky cheapos weren't dubbed in Germany by unemployed bierfest toastmasters. The stock footage that made me pine for the infamous white Jag 3.4 going over the cliff again again. The flashless guns that somehow kill people they're not aimed at (Did Roy Rogers ever patent them?) And the bouffantastic hairstyles that screamed "WIIIIIIIIIIIG!!!!!" loud enough to influence Divine and Joan Collins.

Somehow, I understood what little evidence of plot there was. This can probably be put down to a childhood diet of duff mangas and creaky Godzilla movies. The idea is that they get from scene one to finale without being mangled by the badddies. Erm, that's it. My brain barely broke sweat, but my funnybone was in overdrive. I'm not going to give it a post modern ironic 10, but the 5 is praise for making me hoot with incredulous laughter at the lapses in acting ability, plot, and continuity. The soundtrack is surprisingly cool. The band in the disco seem to be performing an excellent ersatz Detroit r n b breaks medley, and the kooky jazz pieces seemed seemed perfectly apt in context.

I've seen worse.

Unfortunately the version of 'Kiss Me Monster' I watched was the 75 minute, badly dubbed version. I'm blaming most of the movie's inadequacies on that. I enjoyed 'Sadisterotica' as a change of pace for Jess Franco - a campy spy thriller rather than his more typical erotic nightmares on film - but this is nowhere near as good.

The 'Red Lips' detective team (Janine Reynaud and Rosanna Yanni) return, as do a few Franco regulars. The plot this time around is paper thin. Some sheet music leads the girls to an island where a missing scientist has been experimenting on people. They pose as saxophonists (!) while they investigate the mysterious goings on there, which somehow involve a secret cult. There's all the usual double crosses, plot twists, skimpy outfits, and a totally gratuitous go-go dancing sequence, but the emphasis this time around is more on humour ("humour" - it isn't the least bit amusing) rather than action. Not Franco's best effort, and certainly not a good introduction to his oeuvre. 'Vampiros Lesbos' and 'Succubus' are still the best way for newcomers to begin.

This is an appalling movie by most people's standards, but I totally loved it. A must for anyone with a weakness for camp 60s psychedelia (of the Barbarella/Modesty Blaise/Diabolik variety) this Jess Franco film regales us with the further adventures of the 'Red Lips' gals - Diana (Janine Reynaud) and Regina (Rossana Yanni) who last brightened our lives in the still-more-outrageous Sadisterotica.

Two sexy undercover agents on the trail of a mad doctor and his race of Frankenstein-style monster hunks, Reynaud and Yanni strut about in deliriously over-the-top high-fashion outfits. Bicker back and forth like Edina and Patsy in Absolutely Fabulous. Reduce any unfortunate male who crosses their path to a pool of helpless mush. Oh, and they even find time to perform a transvestite nightclub act on saxophones. Now that's what I call style!

As for the 'plot'(if there is any) I've seen this movie twice and still can't fathom it. Something about a tropical island, animatronic muscle men, whip-wielding lesbians, feathered cabaret outfits, effete and sinister scientists and a mystical secret sect who sit around in black Ku Klux Klan hoods and crimson robes and struggle (vainly, it turns out) to explain what is going on. The continuity is even more abysmal than in most of Franco's oeuvre - so much so that the girls seem to be driving a different car in every shot!

Yet as an introduction to this mad genius and his deranged and surreal style of movie-making, you could do a lot worse than Kiss Me Monster. At least in the version I saw, there's almost none of the lurid blood and sex that was standard in Franco's later work. The one truly nasty moment here is a brief-but-gruesome surgery scene. Otherwise, it's all good, clean, campy, psychedelic fun. Everyone on and offscreen seems be in a drug-induced haze. Well, it WAS the 60s after all!

I'm gonna keep this review short and sweet (like the movie).

KISS ME MONSTER is nothing but fun. It's campy, it's surely a product of it's time (the late 1960's Europe), and if you like Eurospy spoofs and Jess Franco, you won't really be disappointed here.

The plot is whacky, (like it's predecessor, "Two Under Cover Angels", aka "Sadist Erotica"), but this movie really isn't about the plot. What makes it fun is the sharp fast paced witty dialog between the two leads. It comes off almost like a sitcom, paced with a jab or joke almost every other line.

So, that's about all there is to it, if you like these kinds of movies, and just want something very light and campy, check it out.

The follow-up to TWO UNDERCOVER ANGELS (1967) is even less successful than its predecessor but, again, it's enjoyable enough along the way to be generally palatable. The plot of this one is even more nonsensical than that of the first film: as a matter of fact, in the featurette accompanying TWO UNDERCOVER ANGELS on the Blue Underground DVD, Franco himself calls it "surreal" and believes this to have been the reason why KISS ME MONSTER wasn't as popular as the original!

Anyway, here we have sci-fi rather than horror elements - the creation of superhuman beings, which actually makes the film's very title a misnomer, but is also not all that different from the central idea of Franco's earlier Al Pereira adventure ATTACK OF THE ROBOTS (1966)! Besides, the leads themselves - Janine Reynaud and Rosanna Yanni - didn't seem quite as charming here: for one thing, they never get to wear the fetishistic "Red Lips" costume, despite going through an equal array of kitschy dresses throughout; neither are their occasional asides to the audience in the first film retained for the follow-up. Also, their essential roles have been exchanged this time around - in TWO UNDERCOVER ANGELS, Reynaud assumed the damsel-in-distress persona (being, basically, the brains of the outfit) whom blonde bimbo Yanni managed to rescue in the nick of time; the latter is now the one who suffers the indignity of being drugged and abducted, while the former does the bailing-out! The remaining cast members are virtually the same as in TWO UNDERCOVER ANGELS (including another cameo by Franco himself), but mostly playing new roles: Adrian Hoven turns heroic for this one, whereas Michel Lemoine has graduated from monster assistant to mad scientist. Once again, the English-language soundtrack provides some truly cringe-worthy moments - such as the awful dubbing of the songs warbled on guitar by a couple of old Spaniards.

Let us now take a look at the alternate Spanish version: as can be deduced from the previous comments, the film is much better served by the Spanish dialogue. With respect to the editing, it's generally better than in EL CASO DE LAS DOS BELLEZAS: the re-arranging of scenes here is never quite as jarring as in the previous film; there is, however, one notable mistake - with the apparent utilization of a different take in the Spanish variant during the scene in which Reynaud saves Yanni from the villains' clutches, wherein one of these is shot dead by her in the U.S. version but not the Spanish...only to show his lifeless body slumped on the sofa seconds later! Likewise, the alternate music score (again by Fernando Garcia Morcillo) suits the sequel better than the first film, given the lesser emphasis on pop-art references this time around in order to make way for an exploration into ancient Spanish culture - what with a subplot involving a secret society of Klansmen types and the "McGuffin" in the film, the all-important red case, concealed inside a windmill whose key resides in the notes on a sheet of music.

The silly opening sequence to the U.S. version has been dropped (but, then, the use of a different credit sequence for the Spanish print means that an effective transition from black-and-white into color had to be sacrificed as well - since a character in the film is named Vittorio Freda, which I assume to be a nod to Italian cult film-makers Vittorio Cottafavi and Riccardo Freda, it's possible that this gimmick was borrowed from the former's THE HUNDRED HORSEMEN [1964]); gone, too, is an endless and irrelevant go-go number. The new footage includes some additional scenes in which the "Red Lips" duo are seen interacting with the police, as they recount to them the events of the film in flashback - but there's also one murder (with the body inexplicably dumped in the heroines' bedroom) missing from the U.S. version, while the developed relationship in the Spanish print between two secondary characters helps to better delineate their individual loyalties. Besides, in spite of my limited understanding of the Spanish language, I caught a number of witty lines which were changed for the U.S. variant (including an amusing reference to Franco's own recurring creation Dr. Orloff!). The English-language version, however, does feature a few seconds of unconvincing gore not found in the Spanish counterpart.

With regards to the Blue Underground DVD itself, here too the transfer does justice to the film's colorful visuals; the Spanish version, however, wasn't up to the level of EL CASO DE LAS DOS BELLEZAS - for one thing, it seemed to be culled from two different prints, as the Aspect Ratio kept alternating (sometimes in the same scene!) between 1.66:1 and Full-Frame. The Jess Franco interview on the Blue Underground disc wasn't focused on the film proper but rather a rambling piece (albeit fascinating as ever) about various topics - the relationship between psychedelia and drugs and that between censorship and pornography; he even talks at length about his decidedly singular association with Orson Welles.