La chose à deux têtes

"The Thing with Two Heads" is a masterpiece of 1970's explotiation. Everything is here: a no-talent Football star actor (Rosey Grier), Pre-"Smokey and the Bandit" car chases, motorcycles, blaxploitation cliches galore, cheap monsters, no budget, beyond-bad dialogue, a director who thought he was moving up and out of the porno industry, and, of course, the great Ray Milland, star of the incomparable 1970's classic "Frogs". Classic scenes: Convicted convict Grier comes out of anesthesia and expresses suprise and dismay at finding Ray Milland's head attached to his body. Grier: "What did you guys do to me?" Milland, sounding petulent: "We transplanted my head onto your body--now shut up!"

Grier and Milland (the two heads on Rosey's body, remember) show up at Grier's girlfriend's apartment in search of refuge from the cops: Grier: (noticing his gal's shock at seeing his 2-headed condition) "Don't worry baby, I won't hurt you." Girlfriend (looking unsure): "You get into more s***."

The whole film is like this. HIGH-larious. No one could do this on purpose, and that's what makes this 1970's classic such a fantastic find.

I must start off by saying I love "B" movies, but even if you aren't normally a "B" movie fan you will get a kick out of this 1972 American International Picture. This movie pairs Ray Milland as a bigoted doctor who is dying of cancer who has his head transplanted on to the body of wrongly confused death row inmate Rosey Grier. The whole movie is bizarre from start to finish. Watch the two head gorilla run amok in a grocery store! See Rosey and Ray on a motorcycle trying to outrun the fuzz! Whoever came up with the concept for this turkey must have been on crack cocaine or LSD. One has to wonder what made Academy Award winner Ray Milland to even consider doing this movie. He had to be drunk, completely broke or both to appear in this mess. This movie is so bad it's great! If you have never seen this movie I recommend that you rent it and then call over a group of friends, break out the beer and the popcorn and then sit back for a fun evening.

If you thought THE DEFIANT ONES was the ultimate in forced race relations, try watching this horror classic from "adults only" vets Lee Frost and Wes Bishop! Ray Milland (yes, the same Ray Milland who won a Best Actor Oscar for his excellent turn in 1945's THE LOST WEEKEND) is a brilliant-but-racist brain surgeon who is dying, but has perfected a way to live on through head-transplants. Someone out there decides to teach him a lesson by placing his bigoted noggin on the body of a black convict (former professional football star Rosey Grier). The heads fight, punch each other and go through many other genuinely (and unintentionally) hilarious slapstick scenes. Try not to laugh watching Grier running around or riding on a motorcycle with a ridiculous-looking fake dummy-head planted on his shoulders.

Not to be confused with THE INCREDIBLE TWO HEADED TRANSPLANT (1971) or Andy Milligan's THE MAN WITH TWO HEADS (1972).

Score: 5 out of 10 (Though a MUST for camp aficionados!)

In THE THING WITH TWO HEADS, Ray Milland (X: THE MAN WITH THE X-RAY EYES, FROGS) is Maxwell Kirshner, the irascible, bigoted head of the Kirshner Transplant Foundation. Arthritis has destroyed Kirshner's body, and he's contracted terminal cancer, so he comes up with a brilliant, novel plan to escape his ancient, dying frame. Indeed, he decides to transplant his dome onto a physically healthier body. His animal trials have already gone quite well.

WARNING: Contains The Hideous, Two-Headed Go-rilla Running Amok Sequence!

The question becomes, who would volunteer for such a procedure? Well, thanks to the penal system, a death-row convict is quickly supplied. Enter Jack Moss (Roosevelt "Rosey" Grier). Of course, Kirshner knows nothing about the body he is about to be grafted to. The surgery is performed.

WARNING: Contains The Nearly Lifelike, Rubber Kirshner And Moss Heads!

Let the hilarity begin! A perfectly preposterous film that could only have been made in the 1970's, it does have something to say about racism. It's schlock content is astronomical, and if it weren't for Milland and Grier, all would surely have been lost. They are magic together, in an Archie Bunker sewn onto George Jefferson sort of way.

Ultimately, the movie devolves into a typical series of chase scenes. Well, typical for a two-headed man movie! Watch for the dirt bike rally! Also, for added fun, try to count the number of police cruisers that are destroyed!

A credit to its sub-genre...

Rosey Grier and Ray Milland are the most dynamic pairing in cinematic history. I used to think it couldn't get much better than Hepburn and Tracy but I was wrong. When I was enrolled in an anger management class, one of our exercises was to watch this film and then team up in groups of four to reflect on it and make macaroni drawings. I painted my macaroni red and glued it into a heart with "Love Thy Neighbor" etched underneath it in black crayon. My parole officer was so proud. Racism never pays and neither does beating your ex-wife over the head with a steel pipe. My favorite scene is the helicopter chase. It is in no way hokey or prolonged. TWO HEADS is the second greatest movie of the 1970s (I would say "the" greatest, but that title belongs to MITCHELL.)