Quand les dinosaures dominaient le monde

Things I learned from this movie:

1) Dirt never sticks to cavewomen, but it does stick to cavemen. Cavemen are, in fact, so dirty that it makes you wonder why cavewomen ever consented to be with them.

2) Cavewomen, by the way, are hot!

3) Giant Crabs will eat you if they have the chance.

4) Always be nice to dinosaurs if you can, they will become your friends and save you from a horrible fate.

5) Bondage is as old as man.

6) Bikinis are as old as man. (See also "One Million Years BC" for further details.) Also, they stay on under amazing situations, although only barely.

7) The words "Agoba" and particularly "AKEETA," were important linguistic developments in the history of speech.

8) In the time it takes a tidal wave to reach the shore, you have time to make a boat and fight over it with your arch-rival.

9) Never, never stand in front of a tidal wave, waving your arms about and trying to turn it back by magic. This will not work.

10) Cavewomen are HOT! Wait, did I say that already? OK, number 10 is: AKEETA!

In short, a priceless movie. Meaning that you should pay as little as possible to see it, but you should see it.

"When Dinosaurs Ruled the Earth," like its predecessor "One Million Years B.C." was one of those great movies when I was a kid that helped ease my transition from comic-book-reading, baseball-card-collecting dinosaur geek to comic-book-reading, baseball-card-collecting chick freak. I was seven when it was released, and I still remember the TV airwaves saturated with advertising. I whined and screamed and begged my brother to take me, and he did. Great part was, we caught this flick as part of a double-feature with Harryhausen's "Valley of Gwangi." Eat your heart out, stop-motion animation fans!

Perhaps because of the great childhood experiences surrounding this movie, there's a kid-voice in my head that still sees it as near-flawless cinema. But in all honesty, it's just G-rated exploitation in the purest sense of the word. The dinosaurs in the movie promos draw the young boys in, and once their behinds are in the seats they slowly become less cognizant of the prehistoric beasts and more cognizant of the way Victoria Vetri's cave tunic gives her breasts that extra lift or the way her legs seem to be constantly shimmering with sweat. Even at seven I noticed this, which is why "Dinosaurs" provided a great transition into puberty for me half a decade before it actually hit. A lot of fun, this, but don't mistake it for art. Watch it for the beasts and the (scantily clad but not naked) boobs, toss in a bag of microwave popcorn and a few beers. It may be G-rated but it's still kind'a fun.

I remember seeing this movie with my brother at the theater back in 1971. When we arrived, we received a book with the language used in the movie and a rough translation. I can find no mention of that book on any web site, and haven't purchased the video to see if it is still printed. It was great fun watching it again today after so many years. Even without the translation, the movie is very enjoyable and great fun to watch. Although the "dinosaurs" leave a little to be desired compared to today's movies, they did a great job integrating real lizards into the film.

For starters, I'd like to thank the many reviewers who so astutely point out that, in fact, dinosaurs and humans did not co-exist. What a startling revelation--why didn't someone hip us up about this sooner? Now if they can maybe tell us how to spell DUH...

This film will appeal to fans of the celebrated "cavegirl-meets- caveboy" genre. Its time-honored, trademark conventions are all there, the stop-motion animated dinosaur effects artistry, and general ambiance of geological upheaval and turmoil, and of course the primitive Stone Age language they speak (with its all- English phonics). Hokey? You bet. But... this genre is refreshing in general for its unflinching, unpretentious attitude about the sexes and human relations, plus its visual celebration of physical beauty as an icon of attraction. There is an exuberant defiance of repressed, "post- modern," pseudo-intellectual nerdiness in this genre, which fans rightly admire and appreciate. These films are not for Oprah, nor NPR.

Of course, "One Million Years BC" with Raquel Welch is the definitive epic of this type. "When Dinosaurs Ruled..." is not quite as taut by comparison, but it still delivers. The dinosaur scenes are generally good, even if none of them have quite the punch of some of those from "One Million Years BC." Likewise, our leading cave lady Victoria Vetri is Very Nice, and indeed racks well in her cavegirl outfit, but for sheer screen presence she cannot really compare with Raquel.

In fact, the cavegirl bikinis here have a bit less of the magnificently rough-hewn deerskin-rawhide look of "One Million..." But they make up for it as best they can by actually being even skimpier (hard to imagine, I know...). And Victoria and her cavegirl cohorts do a prodigious amount of running, jumping around, and just general jiggling, putting the best foot of these unbelievably teeny weeny bikinis firmly forward. For this film, its what's up front that counts, big time. I must say, those guys at Hammer studios sure do know how to costume, light, and photograph their cast. By the way, the guy's outfits are also extra skimpy (not sure what they were trying to prove with that exactly). Nothing offensive though, it is all within tasteful limits.

Compared with "One Million Years BC," there is a generally lower energy, less crackling intensity to "When Dinosaurs Ruled..." The themes are intact, though -- we still get the catfights and violent interpersonal antagonisms over pecking order ranks, and access to mates that made "One Million ..." such riveting fun. But the characters here are not quite as sharply drawn compared to the standard set in "One Million..." They seem a bit pale--not as much personality, not as much charisma. That goes double for the guys, none of whom could have taken on single-handed the rowdy carnivorous therapod of "One Million..." that attacks in the orchard, the way John Richardson did. In fact, the guys are all pretty much a bunch of putzes in this movie, its hard to root for them. But still, if you liked "One Million Years BC" you will definitely want to take in this one, just don't expect it to be quite as good.

Perhaps the only aspect in which "When Dinosaurs Ruled..." surpasses "One Million Years BC" is in its extensive use of bear tooth necklaces. Everyone has got them, and they are totally stylin'....

Ray Harryhausen was busy on another project when this film was made, so other animators had to be hired. While the dinosaurs in this follow-up to 'One Million Years BC' are excellent, the film sadly leaves a lot to be desired.

In 'One Million', dialogue was kept to a minimum, but here there are entire conversations in stone-age language, the same words seeming to have many different meanings. It's like watching a foreign film with no subtitles. In 'One Million', the scantily-clad cave-folk were put into the film to make it more palatable to audiences who would not otherwise go to see dinosaur films, but in 'When Dinosaurs ruled the Earth', the monsters seem to play second fiddle to decidedly uninteresting sub-plots about adultery, human sacrifice and the like. The dinosaur scenes here are good, but the creatures themselves have none of the presence they had in the first film. There is no sense of awe and wonder in this film and the music is decidedly humdrum. And it would have helped if there were more dinosaur sequences. The biggest con in this film must be the fact that there isn't even a Tyrannosaur/Allosaur-type dinosaur. Instead, all we get is a Beast From 20,000 Fathoms lookalike who thinks Victoria Vetri is its young and comes across as pretty twee and about as frightening as Barney. And why on earth did they throw in footage from that dreadful 1960 'Lost World' showing two lizards with spikes and fins glued to them fighting?

If you're a fan of dinosaurs, which I am, then this film is worth seeing for the dinosaur sequences, but just don't expect another 'One Million Years BC'.