Le vampire sexuel

"El vampiro de la autopista" (called "The Horrible Sexy Vampire" in English) is mostly what we would expect from any Euro-horror flick from the early '70s, namely the women who exist only to strip, shower and get killed. What I can't understand is why the vampire strangles people instead of directly drinking their blood (or why he tells his descendant to stop him). As long as we just accept that this movie has basically no purpose accept to teach hot women not to remove their clothes - which itself presupposes that horny men are watching so as to see their big breasts - then it's a pretty fun flick. But not much else (maybe it would have been a little neater had it starred Paul Naschy). I actually got to watch a version dubbed in English with Dutch subtitles. Go figure!

The original Spanish title for this film was THE VAMPIRE OF THE HIGHWAY but it isn't any more appropriate than the ludicrous one it is saddled with here; now if it had been called "The Horrible, Stupid Film"...

Ostensibly a vampire flick, our villain here is also capable of invisibility(!) and only bites his victims after strangling them to death; besides, he keeps busting his descendant's balls to get him to do the right thing and drive a stake through his heart!! Now is that stupid or what? The latter is an albino-ish, handsome young man who, unfortunately, is prone to drinking himself senseless practically every night. All the girls in the film (of which there are, for no reason at all, about five or six) are there literally to undress, take a shower, put on the most inconsequential of nighties, make love with their hunk of a boyfriend and expire at the hands of the marauding Count Winninger(!) who naturally sports a Dracula-like cape and keeps his coffin in the basement of his castle. There is also the usual roster of disbelieving police detectives and officers who only serve as fodder for the blood-thirsty vampire.

My unconditional love for Horror movies will get me to watch almost anything in that vein, especially something of this vintage; it's a pity that this one here proved to be so anemic...

I won't rehash the plot. The above reviews got it right enough.

But I will say that this is one of those weirdly graphic Spanish horror(?) flicks. It repeats itself mercilessly, but gives you a new bit of nudity at the end of each screensaver of a plot development.

It just so happens I was in the perfect mood for for some groovy moderns and their struggle with ah...er, a sexy vampire? This is one of those movies that make so little sense that you wonder if the voice-over guys who did the English version didn't just say anything that popped into their heads.

But the weirdest thing of all, was when our phosphorescent protagonist orders a Mercedes Convertible at a rental agency.

What is strange is that there's about 6 inches of fresh snow on the ground. Not exactly weather where you'd need the top-down option.

So, anyway, someone must have gotten into a tizzie because the producer made them use his car to make some extra change, and they felt compelled to explain the use of a convertible in the movie.

I don't know. But considering how nonsensical the rest of the movie is, this bit of overcompensation stands out like a nervous tick.

NIPPLES! Had to put a word in for the nipples.

They were quite good.

Count Oblensky (Waldemar Wohlfahrt), heir to the Winninger estate, moves into his ancestral castle despite a spate of unsolved murders in the vicinity; there, he discovers the long dead Baron Winninger, a vampire with the power of invisibility and a longing to be staked, who is cursed to rise from his tomb to kill. Also unperturbed by the rising number of corpses is Oblensky's tasty fiancé Susan, who pays her boyfriend a visit and finds herself stalked by the undead baron.

The plot for The Horrible Sexy Vampire is decidedly mediocre and leads to quite a few stretches of tedium wherein a police inspector investigates the murders and Oblensky explores his castle. Thankfully, the film's bloodsucking baron has a proclivity for sexy female victims, attacking only after they have removed some or all of their clothes, meaning that the dreary scenes of police procedure and Oblensky's investigation of his new home are regularly punctuated by far more entertaining moments in which naked hotties are offed by the kill-crazy count (who seems to forget that he's a vampire, throttling his victims rather than making use of his fangs).

THE HORRIBLE SEXY VAMPIRE (1971, original title El vampiro de la autopista, aka VAMPIRE OF THE HIGHWAY) is one of the rarer vampire films out there, a Spanish movie shot in Stuttgart, Germany. The story is of a young guy moving into his great-grandfather's castle only to find a series of murders plaguing the locality and something stirring in the castle's cellars. Is his grandfather really dead?

It's fair to say that this isn't one of the best of its type, lacking the deliciously spooky atmosphere of the Italian gothics. It's slow and plodding in places and the dialogue can really drag. The Henry Cavill-lookalike lead is okay but the women are served abominably by the script, which just calls on them to strip before being killed. And this vampire isn't a neck-biter, strangely enough, preferring to stab or strangle his victims. While it has a nice setting and some interesting moments, but this isn't a great film.