L'abominable homme des cavernes

It is said Bette Davis commented that if she had found herself starring in "Trog," she'd commit suicide. Alas, poor Joan Crawford, who obviously felt she couldn't be fussy if she wanted the work, descended to this cut-rate, Herman Cohen-produced monster movie. Ironically released in the States by Warner Brothers (on the bottom half of a double-bill with "The Torture Garden"), the studio for which Ms Crawford made several of her hits including "Mildred Pierce", the only scary thing about "Trog" is the sight of a once-glamorous, legendary leading lady schlepping around in a lab coat (she plays an anthropologist), obviously tipsy as she slurs inane lines like "Trog lives on a diet of fish and lishardsh." Let's face it: under the circumstances, you'd drink, too.

Trog is cutesy for troglodyte: a primitive missing-link cave-dweller portrayed by a burly actor in an Alley Oop-like caveman get-up and an over-the-head, dime-store Halloween mask. Discovered by a hunky and shirtless, albeit unfortunate, team of spelunking college students, Trog is captured and put under the observation of Dr Brockton (Joan).

The true villain of this piece is Michael Gough (also slumming it), a representative of the opposing townspeople who, in a public confrontation with Joan, causes her to explode in a moment of impassioned fury. Regrettably, she does not give Gough her trademark slap in the face.

Trog eventually escapes to wreak some customary monster-movie havoc and Joan hunts him down with her "hypo-gun" across the bleak fields of the northern English countryside and down into his cavern, dressed in a smartly tailored tan jacket, slacks and boots ensemble.

Hollywood Royalty? Joan tries to maintain her dignity and poise despite having to deliver lines like, "Put the child down, Trog!" and occasionally looking a little woozy. This sad swan song to a long, brilliant career, amid the preposterous mise en scene, gives "Trog" the feeling of a tragi-comedy. Like one of her memorable screen characters, the real Joan Crawford endeavors to be strong and, ultimately, to triumph against all odds.

Joan Crawford's infamously bad swan song, the story of an anthropologist (Crawford) who makes a study of a missing link, whom she dubs "Trog" (short for "troglodyte"). The film is extremely cheap and cheesy. Hey, I like extremely cheap and cheesy. If it were only that, I probably would love the movie. But what makes the movie bad is its slow pace. People talk interminably about stupid things, and the boredom sets in and never leaves. The scenes where Trog and Crawford play ball are the very definition of camp, and I would have much preferred Trog's final rampage to last 80% of the film's run. So, due to boredom, this truly is a terrible movie. It may be bad, but I still liked it more than Love Story, which was released the same year.

'Trog'. I almost have to stifle my giggles just typing the title! This movie, Hollywood Golden Age Superstar Joan Crawford's final big screen role, is so cheap and silly it is the stuff of legend. Crawford plays it straight, which makes it even more ludicrous. She plays an anthropologist who tries to educate a "missing link" (Joe Cornelius), affectionately nicknamed Trog, much against the wishes of the local townsfolk led by legendary character actor Michael Gough (Hammer's 'Dracula', 'Horrors Of The Black Museum', 'Konga', 'The Legend Of Hell House', 'Venom',etc.etc.) Of course Trog escapes and goes on a rampage, and it all ends in tears. This movie is an absolute hoot! I can't decide which is my favourite bit - the ridiculous scenes where Crawford tries to teach Trog to play with toy robots and dolls, Trog's agitated reaction to hearing rock'n'roll, or Trog battling with a German Shepherd. Each of these sequences is absolutely unforgettable. The silliest bit is probably an excruciatingly long and cheesy animated dinosaur battle which makes Gumby look like 'Jurassic Park'! The most amazing thing is that 'Trog's director went on to make the excellent Peter Cushing/Christopher Lee classic 'The Creeping Flesh', and it was co-written by John Gilling who made the excellent 'The Plague Of Zombies' and 'The Reptile' for Hammer. What went wrong here is anybody's guess! 'Trog' is a really bad movie, but a really enjoyable one. Highly recommended fun.

P.S. Keep an eye out for an early appearance by cult actor David Warbeck, who went on to Hammer's 'Twins Of Evil', Russ Meyer's 'Blacksnake!' and Fulci's 'The Beyond'.

People sure do make a big deal out of Joan Crawford being drunk, especially in dreck like this. I guess it would be surprising to learn that she was completely smashed during the filming of "What Ever Happened to Baby Jane," but let's forget that. It was a decent movie. My point here is that most of these reviews slam the star for being tipsy. If you were making "Trog" you'd want to be as incoherent as possible! Second, Joan doesn't mangle her lines. They come out oddly, but they aren't mangled. It wasn't like Joan Crawford to mess up, at least not in public. The main problem with the lines is their utter idiocy.

My first big problem with the movie wasn't the horrible sets. It wasn't even Trog, who couldn't even get makeup from the waist down. Brockton Research Centre is run by Dr. Brockton, who just happens to be Joan Crawford. Here's my big problem. Of all the actresses (drunken or not) in all the world, why in the heck would someone pick Joan Crawford to play an anthropologist? Does she even know what one is? Hearing her discuss Neanderthals makes me shudder. I don't know anything about Neanderthals, and I don't think Joan can teach me a darn thing about them either. "Conceivably, Trog was frozen solid" etc. etc. etc. What?!? I simply cannot believe Joan would waste her breath talking about cavemen. It's wrong. Even more incredible, she has earned a research center with her name all over it! What did she do to get that? Paint the sign herself? I'm slamming Joan myself now, but still. This is weird casting.

As for the acting in the movie (this is a movie, not a film), Joan did better than the movie deserved. That was something she had a gift for. Giving more than she got. She didn't get anything with this one, but she still gave it her all. That causes people to snicker and laugh, saying "Joan must be stupid to think this movie merits all this." No, the movie doesn't, but Joan's mind needed the knowledge that she always did (and looked her best). We may laugh when she gets overly attached to what looks like a wrestler being attacked by a monkey, but we should give her some credit for trying. That's why I think that one moment at the end of the film is quite good. She refuses a newsman's microphone, and you can almost forget how awful this movie is when you see the weariness on her face.

Some film fans may be understandably dismayed seeing screen legend Joan Crawford appearing in this kind of thing as her swan song. It also may be rather disconcerting seeing so many talented people - including director Freddie Francis and cinematographer Desmond Dickinson - wasting their time with such material. Admittedly, "Trog" is really for die hard fans of schlock (like this viewer) who can still have a good time provided that the material in question is laughable enough to be entertaining. And the movie does deliver in that regard.

The actors are made to mouth some hilariously absurd lines in this yarn about noted anthropologist Dr. Brockton (Ms. Crawford), whose associates discover what could be the missing link in some British caves. Nicknamed "Trog" - short for troglodyte, of course - he's coddled and trained by Brockton and company. However, this doesn't sit well with everybody, including a skeptical police inspector (Bernard Kay) and especially a foul tempered local big shot, Sam Murdock (Michael Gough), who's convinced nothing good can come of playing host to this "monster".

The rock solid cast play this junk with such admirably straight faces. Crawford doesn't seem to be embarrassed and gives a very sincere performance. Gough is great fun as the miserable jerk who sets the last act into motion. Kim Braden, David Griffin, John Hamill, Thorley Walters, Jack May, Robert Hutton, and David Warbeck co-star; the title part is played amusingly by Joe Cornelius, who's obliged to wear the so-so makeup that doesn't even cover that much of his body. Producer Herman Cohen, who specialized in these kinds of genre films, appears uncredited as a bartender.

The sets are entertaining to look at, if not exactly convincing, and there's a fine score by John Scott.

Overall, this is goofy fun for lovers of cinematic turkeys.

Five out of 10.