L'étalon italien

This film became a part of his legend once "Rocky" made Stallone famous. It was talked about and became mythical in proportion. It may be low-grade filmmaking, but who cares? The point is that most don't bother to see it, they don't have to. Just knowing it exists gives fans something to chew that fat about and makes him all the more of a classic folklore figure of Americana.

Definition of a Z-grade porno in America; if Porno Holocaust didn't do it for you, then neither will this. Yes, Sylvester Stallone is in it, that's really the only reason any of us have seen it save for the few true-blue perverts who just snuck in the theater in the raincoats and fake glasses and noses. It even got retitled to capitalize on Stallone's fame in the late 70s, ironic since they had to cut out a lot of the "graphic sex". Even more pointless when seeing the film unedited - there is a lot of nudity and "fake" sex. And it is so fake, good un-Godly almighty, that it makes late night Cinemax like Hotel Erotica look like the damn Bard! Wow is this some bad sex on film - one can tell the director just said "alright then, just uh, roll around, smoke some weed, camera will roll, I got to go do number two in the bathroom, it'll be a while."

And, sure, there are some moments of hilarity, and not always just because of Stallone's non-half-assed acting... such as at different times his "method" includes a training montage at the kid's playground, getting into a sexual frenzy after his girlfriend Kitty bites his you-know-what and, yes, she gets aroused by him *whipping her with a belt, or Stud's random moments of pre-Rambo "AAH!" anger that at one point gives him a bloody hand which Kitty licks of greedily like a vampire with down syndrome (note, this is not offense to down syndrome sufferers, only vampires). No, what makes Italian Stallion such an ultimate waste of time is that for all of its glorious pockets of celluloid that provide for the right and drunken viewer-ship some of the most potent MST3K possibilities around, there's so much tedium of relentless writhing around naked and dancing for FIVE MINUTES STRAIGHT to super-bad 70s music.

It gets by as a horrendous guilty pleasure for about 60% of the time. The rest of it is so bad a porno that it may be justified that it's been off the market until recently. No matter what the temptation out of curiosity, or the minuscule rewards, some shards from the time capsule of a career like Stallone's should stay put in its (however shallow) grave; in extremely small doses its some fun, and all at one it's like getting the brown acid at Woodstock.

ITALIAN STALLION, the video title, is one of the strangest adult films I've ever seen. I don't know if the version I saw was cut (the box said "Hard R Cable Version"), but overall, pretty unerotic.

Sylvester Stallone (the only real reason why anyone would watch this) turns in a pre-fame role as Stud, an Italian muscleman who has sex with his girlfriend Kitty and has a party at his house where lesbianism, anal sex, and orgies abound. Sly is looking pretty good here, better than he would in later years, and anyone looking for him in full nudity should be pleased here. Otherwise, there isn't much else to recommend. The only other male cast member is an unattractive no-name and none of the women are particularly memorable. There's a black stripper, a lesbian scene (overlong and boring), the 2nd man and his girlfriend have anal sex, and finally, the orgy that lasts FOREVER! This orgy scene only picks up when the camera is on Sly; otherwise, is not very erotic. Other unbelievable scenes: Sly flexes his muscles in a mirror while watching a lesbian scene, a woman flashes Sly in the park, Sly rapes Kitty after she slaps him, and the film ends with Sly slapping Kitty.

Under 60 minutes long, very cheaply done, and not very stimulating outside of Sly's scenes, ITALIAN STALLION is only recommended for those seeking out celebrity porn and no one else.

The Party at Kitty and Stud's (1970)

* (out of 4)

Kitty (Henrietta Holm) and her lover Stud (Sylvester Stallone) have the greatest sex imaginable even though Stud has a bit of a temper at times. The two of them decide to have some of their friends over for a sex party.

This film would have long been forgotten had it not been for the fact that the producers got lucky and hired someone who six years later would write and star in ROCKY. That's right, this here is the notorious picture that Stallone made for $200 when he was desperate for work, living in the streets and basically just took whatever he could. Over the years the myth surrounding this film has gotten out of control with there being talk of it being a hardcore porn film. Well, that's certainly not the case but you have to give Stallone credit for at least talking about the film since so many actors try and hide things from their past.

This film is out there in a couple different versions including an "alternate" version under the title of Italian STALLION, which was obviously an attempt to cash in on the success of ROCKY and there's even music from that film that has been ripped off and placed here. It's funny to note that there's even a scene early on where Stallone is just running around a park, which, of course, would become a major piece to ROCKY when his character was running around the streets.

So, how is the actual movie? It's quite awful as it appears the director just grabbed a camera and was filming anything they could so that they could get the camera back to the rental place on time. The sex scenes are certainly never erotic and at times you're wondering to yourself what type of dope was being smoked especially during some of the bizarre and hilarious dance sequences. Just check out the circle dance towards the end and you'll see what I mean. The dialogue itself is so incredibly bad that I couldn't help but laugh incredibly hard at times. The awful dialogue pretty much makes the film worth watching.

As far as Stallone goes, well, his performance certainly isn't good but then again it's doubtful he was hired for acting. He basically just rolls around in bed with a few women, dances around naked and flexes in the mirror. Yes, he's got several full frontal nude shots here so I'm sure fans of his will want to see that. What's actually sad is that none of the sex scenes here are as laughable as the one in THE SPECIALIST so perhaps that's why Stallone is willing to freely talk about this thing. Either way, at best, this is just a curio for Stallone fans.

Kitty and Stud's would be at least bearable if it was not so sloppily produced. You can pinpoint the exact moment where it all starts to crumble (when KItty seductively licks the blood of from Stud's hand)...The choppy, dubbed dialogue, and it's lack of solid plot (even for a porno!) kind of ruin it..The soundtrack is stellar though! The fact that Sylvester Stallone stars is literally the only reason this movie would even touch eyes beyond the editing room.