Hercule à New York

Ha! This is hilarious. Arnold Schwarzenegger - going by the name of "Strong" on the titles, is the demigod son of Zeus (Ernest Graves) and he's bored hanging around Olympus keeping out of trouble. Finally his father loses his temper, hurls a thunder bolt at him and he ends up down on earth befriending the weedy "Pretzie" (Arnold Stang doing a vaguely Phil Silvers impersonation) and getting involved with some crooks who see his might as a meal ticket. What now ensues is just harmless, witless, fun with a confused mythology - Roman and Greek names for the gods are interchangeable; an Olympus that looks like the herb garden of an English stately home and luckily Arnie doesn't have to wrestle with ancient Greek, just with 1970s English. There can't have been much budget so don't be looking for visual effects or a tangy script - nope, none of that, just the future Governor of California looking almost cherubic in his spray-on shorts demonstrating the truthful nature of the American dream. Anyone can make it, however humble the beginnings.

Consistently overlooked as one of cinema's greatest monstrosities Hercules in New York follows the curiously accented Greek god as he travels, or oafishly meanders, around 1970s Manhattan followed by faithful sidekick Pretzie, some gangsters, more Greek gods, angry sailors and, of course, a bear. This cinematic gem and precious relic of Arnie's first clumsy footsteps into film often goes unmentioned in "bottom 100 lists" which is strange as it seems easily comparable to Edward D Wood's "Plan 9 From Outerspace" and "Glen or Glenda?" the royalty of crap cinema. It's not that "Hercules in New York" is good, far from it, but it is so hideously bad that it becomes a lovable monstrosity, much like the Frankenstine's monster of cinema. The acting performances are ,for the most part, shambolic aside from maybe one or two more theatrical performances from Zeus and Hades respectively who are handicapped somewhat by a poor script and loud horn tootling in the background of the "Mount Olympus" scenes. The film also suffers at the hands of insesent mandolin playing repeated over and over again which seems aimed at making the audience's ears bleed. However, I would find it impossible to grant this film a 1 out of 10 as, simply, it is a comedy and it is genuinely funny allbeit at the wrong times for the wrong reasons. More importantly though I find it impossible to give any film which depicts the Governor of California fighting a bear in central park to the sound of creepy mandolin music a low rating.

This is a very bad film--there's no denying this. Imagine having a young Arnold Schwarzenegger (whose command of English was MUCH worse than when he did his movies in the 1980s) playing a Greek god who comes to New York for a few laughs! Now the concept COULD have actually worked--if the leading man hadn't been barely cognizant of the English language. And, had the writers not been chimpanzees, the story could have been turned into a cute little tongue-in-cheek tale. But, in the end, through total incompetence, it's a dreadful movie. BUT, for people who like watching stupid films and laughing at them, then they are in for a treat with HERCULES IN NEW YORK!

The film begins in a very minimalistic Mount Olympian headquarters for the gods. Including the cost of the pillars, I think the set was created for about $47.50. Well, in this sketchy looking layout, the gods are all standing around when Hercules announces he's bored and wants to go back to Earth. Zeus forbids him and they argue. Ultimately, Zeus tosses him out of the sky onto the earth and from here on Hercules has a lot of adventures. For the most part, Schwarzenegger plays the role like he's a lovable moron...goofy and looking a bit like Jethro Bodine when he first went to the big city! Among the exciting(?) adventures he has are various wrasslin' matches, fighting an escaped bear (a guy in one of the worst bear suits I've ever seen) and hanging out with Arnold Stang--a man who has somehow learned to talk entirely through his nose. I'd tell you more about the story, but really don't think it's all that important. Suffice to say, Jethro runs around New York (often with no shirt) and gets into wacky trouble.

As far as the research for the writers goes, I think they'd have been better off if they'd read a few comic books or asked the average high school student for advice. When it comes to knowing even the basic information about the Greek gods, they often got is completely wrong--mixing Greek and Roman names for the gods again and again (for example, Juno, Venus and Hercules are Roman names and Zeus and Nemesis are Greek) as well as having little understanding (or care) about the gods themselves (Mercury was NOT Hercules' brother, Pluto was NOT the Devil nor did he live in Hell, etc., etc.). In addition, at the end of the film, Samson (from the Old Testament) and Atlas (whose job it is to hold the Earth) come to the rescue!

There are also two versions of this film. Traditionally, the version most have seen has a dubbed voice for Arnold, as he's occasionally barely comprehensible. But, this is also really silly as the voice is very robotic and obviously not his. This is the case with the version posted on IMDb (though, oddly, this version also lacks music and many basic sound effects). For those wanting to see and hear Arnold, the DVD has the original restored voice--but won't give you the option to hear either one. Additionally, at the end, when he talks to Stang from the radio, it's NOT Arnold's voice but that of the robot-dude.

Overall, the film was a shoddy and silly mess. But there was a certain goofiness that make it fun to watch despite its many, many obvious shortcomings. Not a good film at all, but fun to watch if you need a laugh.

This movie honestly is kinda funny. The acting is okay, but silly. The dialogue is bad, but at the same time funny. The story is silly, and random things just sort of happens. Hercules wants to come to earth, his father refuses, he pisses his father off and he send Hercules to Earth, and because Arnold speaks with such a thick accent, all the characters in the movie can't really understand him. Lots of random stuff happens, and then all ends good.

Funny scenes: 1. Arnold waves at an old lady from outside a plane and she overacts afterwards 2. Arnold fights with a bunch of sailors with a block of wood 3. Arnold refuses to pay a taxi driver for his services and destroys his taxi 4. Arnold fights a guy he just met inside a house 5. Arnold goes on a date with a girl and takes his shirt off and starts flexing in public 6. Arnold fights with a grizzly bear who happens to be at Central Park 7. Arnold becomes a wrestler and his manager signs him to a bunch of mobsters 8. Arnold walks around destroying a bunch of college athlete's records

7/10 "It is really not THAT bad. It is bad, but not THAT bad."

A film of at times incredible and hilarious ineptitude (scenes of the "gods" on Mount Olympus are interrupted constantly by the sounds of honking horns, which are often louder than the heavenly dialogue) saved to some extent by the sincere starring duo of Stang and Schwartzenneger (whose voice is dubbed in the theatrical version, perhaps unintentionally making this film funnier for those like myself who've seen more than a few Italian "pec epics").

Not a true action picture, more of an attempt at comedy that is more often funny against its intentions. Try to count how many times Arnie says "I am Hercules" (as if to convince HIMSELF that he's truly acting), and if you can make it to the end I'll give you a cracker or something.

You gotta love this film.