Le dernier des Apaches

It was an unexpected sight seeing Robert Tessier with flowing locks. It's usually little to no hair from what I remember seeing. Other than that, not much else had my interest in Jack Starrett's dusty, crude and very plodding revenge western of an Apache warrior hunting down a couple of cowboys who killed his tribe, and the only survivor leading them to a gold mine.

Long, dry stretches of idle chat, in-fighting and horse-riding takes up most the time before the Apache catches up. This story is seen through flashbacks, by one of the cowboys (you know, the only one who had morals), now an elderly man deciding to reminisce about the whole ordeal while travelling the same path. Yeah, it's not worth the reminiscing, and I don't know why he would want to?

Some movies make you wonder how you got to this place in your life. Sitting there on your couch, the sun shining outside as you watch 80 minutes of empty boredom on your TV. I do say this with the understanding that a lot of people just try to steer clear from the movies that are unknown, boring, or just badly rated. Still, anyone who has watched their fair share of films knows this feeling. I'm going to call it "The Empty" and it is rampant in Cry Blood, Apache.

What seemed to be basically a revenge film, where the Apache woman takes her would be killers on a wild goose chase looking for gold, all the while setting traps and killing them all, actually didn't feature any of that. Cry Blood, Apache is about an old cowboy reminiscing about the one time, he and a few of his ne'er do well friends shot, killed and raped their way through an Apache camp. During this time they stomped on a pot and found gold inside it. They then murdered all the people until one of the women gave in and told them she would lead them to the gold. Our "Hero" then remembers how they wandered a long time while being followed by an Apache warrior, who also had his eyes on the woman they captured. I'd like to give some specifics, but very little happened for most of this film. Long shots of them walking, watering horses, and constant inane voice dubbing of the "religious guy" who literally spoke some sort of BS scripture about God instead of having dialogue. Wait...wait there was a standout moment where two of the outlaws including the religious one, watched the woman clean herself in the water. They actually giggled at the sight of seeing a woman naked, or at least topless. So yeah, that's a scene...

Cry Blood, Apache takes way too long to get going, and never satisfies in any way. The story, characters, and direction just dry up any interest in this film. Leaving it just a dusty old western.

If there are any tears to be shed with Cry Apache Blood they will be from the abused souls who end up watching this pitifully soulless movie! My first mistake was thinking that because it had Joel McCrea's name on it, perhaps it should at least be looked at out of curiosity but, not so. I doubt that Joel would have looked at this mess & if he did - would have been ashamed of it. What is clearly a charitable act of lending his name to help promote his son's production (who displays less character than his dads shadow) turns out to be a sad blotch on his own sterling career. This thoroughly sordid mess offers no redeeming features, it's wretchedly written, acted and photographed - vile in every department. Even if found in an op shop for $1- stay away from it lest ye be brain damaged forever after. For the desperately easily pleased only. Note: Joel (who has top billing!) has all of approx three minutes - within a worthlessly tacked-on- top-and-tail that can only qualify as the ultimate, shameful exploitation. If you want to see him in one last quality attempt take a look at "Mustang Country" from '76 - where it appears more likely he may have been coaxed out of retirement, one last time, in an attempt to redeem himself from his son's moronic disaster.

Even though he only appears in the movie for scant minutes and scarcely says a word, this has to easily qualify as Joel McCrea's worst film. His otherwise notable career is tarnished by his appearance in this dreadful mess (a favor, one has to assume, for his son who produced the disaster.) The story, if one can even call it that, concerns a band of repugnant, annoying, filthy drifters who terrorize and mostly kill off a small family of Indians. They keep one girl alive so that she can show them to a place where gold exists. The audience can tell that Jody McCrea (utterly lacking in any screen charisma) is the "good guy" of the piece because instead of raping, butchering or torturing any of the Indians, he sits on a rock and watches it all. He develops sympathy for the female hostage as the gritty group fights amongst itself on the way to the gold. Two of the actors in the film also directed and assistant directed it. Starrett apparently couldn't say goodbye to all his extended scenes of himself overacting and meandering around meaninglessly. The whole film has a plethora of shots of people walking or riding endlessly. Meanwhile, a lone Indian, who had been away during the slaughter, tracks the group. This tall native has an interesting outfit. He wears a long-sleeved peasant blouse over a very narrow loincloth that shows practically all of his behind. He lurches through the terrain with all the style and grace of say.......a filling station attendant at a Boron gas station in Columbus, Ohio. One hilarious sequence has him careening into a violent river. The film is uncomfortable to watch for various reasons. The opening scenes are sadistic and thoughtlessly cruel. The bulk of it is just amateurish and badly written, shot and directed. The one rather interesting aspect is the choice of revenge that the lone Indian chooses for his enemies. It is only in these various depictions of the payback he gives each of the men that the movie shows any amount of creativity or life. It is also rewarding for the audience since, by the time the Indian catches up to them, these characters have become positively unbearable. Henley, during his final sequence, is so agonizing that one wants to reach through the TV and kill him personally. The music is also abominable in the movie. The whole thing is ludicrous, trashy, cheap, choppy and worst of all boring.

Poor little programmer of a western, tries to ride in the trail of the Eastwood-Leone "Man With No Name" series and fails. There is an intensely 1960s feel the the performances that make the performances awkward and unconvincing. In addition, the prints have a washed-out look.

Even a graceful opening with Joel McCrea playing the lead character in later years -- the lead is played by his son, Jody -- serves only to make the rest of the movie more awkward.