The Extraordinary Seaman

Long ago, in a galaxy far, far away, before there was the direct-to-video market, people who made howlingly bad films had just one way of mitigating the financial loss. That was to send bad movies to small towns where people would pay to see ANYTHING at a movie theater, because there was nothing else to do. (We're talking about the pre-cable, pre-VHS, just 6 channels on TV days, folks!)

This is how I came to see "The Extraordinary Seaman" in a double-bill with "Krakatoa East of Java" in Lancaster, California in 1969 when I was 13 years old. This has to rank as one of the most awful pairings of movies of all time.

It's funny, because for all that I can recall this movie as being incomprehensible, boring to the point of inducing numbness, and funny only in unintentional ways, Alan Alda stood out in it as the only bearable element. (I know Faye Dunaway and Mickey Rooney are credited in the movie, but I cannot for the life of me remember anything about what they did, which is probably a good thing.) This is not to say that his performance was good. It wasn't, that was impossible, this movie was so bad. This movie's most redeeming feature was that it inspired practically the whole theater to throw popcorn at the screen and to add an audience soundtrack of groans and hisses and boos and hoots, and that was fun.

What it left me with is an indelible memory of what a backwater Lancaster, California was in the days before the Antelope Valley Freeway was built: we were the kind of small town where bad films were sent to eke out a little revenue for the people involved. I think about that every time I see some direct-to-video movie in the rack at the supermarket check-out stand.

And I'm devoutly thankful for all the options we have now to avoid seeing movies like "The Extraordinary Seaman."

Despite the producers attempts to make a film with some semblance of a budget and cinemascope and bright, pretty colors, the film just seems to be an extraordinary cheat on all levels. Unlike "M*A*S*H," also from 1969 but from 20th Century Fox, "The Extraordinary Seaman" clearly uses stock newsreels as a cheap crutch and as a substitute for advancing action - and when that wasn't enough, they further padded its meager 80 minute running time by manipulating the footage. The attempt throughout to blur the line between newsreels and the film's own footage is clumsily handled. For contrast, try the way this same line was more deftly and more trippily blurred by Richard Lester in 1967's "How I Won the War" with John Lennon. As others here have observed, the breaking of this film into six named "parts" was a pointless exercise. Hell, it didn't work any better when "Frasier" did it on TV years later, did it? Major comedic talents - in particular Mickey Rooney and Jack Carter - are simply wasted in subservient roles, and are allowed to disappear before the film's ignominious conclusion. The casting of the secondary leads, Alda and Dunaway, was just really strange, considering that neither actor projects any kind of romantic vitality. (I would insert that Alda has clearly never developed as an actor, and from that day to this - and as many have observed - he just plays himself in role after role, and merely runs his lines without adding either depth or nuance to characterizations.) I'd say it was astounding how Paddy Chayefsky used Dunaway's reputation as an on screen ice-bitch to monumental advantage in 1976's "Network," with perhaps the most hilarious sex scene ever filmed: the one with William Holden in which she never stops yammering about work for a second. In "The Extraordinary Seaman," there's no clear reason why her character is even there. In fact, the only actor who projects any warmth or depth is David Niven, who makes it all look easy as befits a grand actor of his caliber. However, the role he makes look easy is itself a stupid cheat - a gimmick role that I feel most people in the audience would have figured out long before Alda's character did, due to their 1960's training with twist-ending TV shows such as "The Twilight Zone" and "The Outer Limits." Niven's ever-refilling bottle is the only decent throwaway gag in the entire proceedings, and thankfully John Frankenheimer displayed the judicious restraint to keep the gag from filling the center of the frame as a hack director might have. Alda's character made sure to point each! and! every! other! facet! of Niven's character's quirks to the audience... several times. Even his attempt at mutiny and his repeated man overboard gags are ineptly handled. As a further "goof," one reaction shot of Alda in full face (Part V or VI) is quite clearly reversed and is as painfully obvious as some shots of William Shatner you find in the miserable last year of "Star Trek" in which the same thing was repeatedly done. And by the way, didn't some of those overturned trees in the run-aground sequence look awfully fake? Before TCM ran this film, I had never even heard of it, and now it's clear I know why. It never should have been made.

What seems like a good idea and with a very talented cast and good timing (Faye Dunaway was a huge star after Bonnie and Clyde) this appalling waste of everything has not improved with 25 years of many equally bad films becoming the norm. No wonder poor old MGM was dying. I would like to know the budget because it looks reasonably low, given most of the 'action' is aboard Niven's leaky old boat. I saw this film in 1969 in Sydney at MGM's own Liberty Theatre and even then as a 15 year old I thought it pretty bad. Seeing it again last night I know how and why it is a sad waste. It even commits the major cardinal sin of showing stock footage of the old tub 'sinking' at the climax of the film...NOT newsreel footage of WW2 which is splattered throughout, but obviously just cheap tinted crap of some other bow going down. MGM did this before with THE LAST VOYAGE, inserting stock at a crucial moment, infuriating and cheating everyone watching, and I was equally irritated with it happening here. Alan Alda was a surprise, as I had forgotten he was in this film and often photographed here quite like Elvis...don't laugh, it struck me several times that if Elvis had an acting male relative the same age he would look a lot like like Alan Alda in this film.

Faye Dunaway may be many things, but "fun" rarely comes to mind. She was seductively clever in Richard Lester's "Musketeers" pictures, she had a squirrelly fashionista presence in "The Thomas Crown Affair", and she projected a loose, warm personality in "Don Juan DeMarco". Here, in her younger years, she's a cool blonde shiver, calculating and aloof. The film, barely released by MGM, involves a group of military personnel circa World War II who are stranded on an island in the Pacific, coming upon a mystical sea captain and his creaky barge. Separated--for no apparent reason--into SIX acts, and interspersed with actual newsreel footage from the period, one has to assume the final cut was taken out of director John Frankenheimer's hands. Most of the actors look positively baffled. As for the placid Ms. Dunaway, she remains shockingly unruffled by the inane plot and the silly dialogue. NO STARS from ****

The Extraordinary Seaman finds David Niven once again carrying the burden of a really botched film concept with his extraordinary charm. No actor was ever asked to work with less material than Niven did in his whole career.

The film is best described as a combination of The Ghost And Mrs. Muir, The Canterville Ghost and The African Queen all taking place in the Pacific Theater during World War II. Four American seaman Mickey Rooney, Jack Carter, Mana Tupou and their Lieutanant Alan Alda are on a life raft after their ship was sunk. They drift to a small island in the Phillipines and find a beached craft from the previous war with its captain David Niven who looks positively immaculate in his dress whites from the British Navy considering the heat and humidity of the tropics.

With a battery borrowed from plantation owner Faye Dunaway who would like some transport to Australia for her efforts, the American sailors set sail with Niven who will take them, providing he gets the opportunity to sink a Japanese warship. Trust me, Niven's got some really good reasons for wanting this so badly.

This dud of a film is a surprise coming from someone like John Frankenheimer who did such things as Birdman Of Alcatraz, The Train, Grand Prix, and Seven Days In May to name a few. Frankenheimer comes up so short in The Extraordinary Seaman as compared to those masterpieces and others. The situations are forced and labored and the comedy falls flat. Not enough use was made of Mickey Rooney and Jack Carter, both of them extraordinarily funny people.

But there's nothing extraordinary about The Extraordinary Seaman.