The Nasty Rabbit

But those people haven't sat through this movie. I thought that "Hillbillies in a Haunted House" was the nadir of low-budget movies, but I'll be damned if Hollywood didn't dig itself a deeper hole with "Nasty Rabbit."

The plot is a bunch of idiocy (especially sad because it's supposed to be funny) involving a Soviet plot to infect the U.S. with a deadly plague via an infected rabbit. Of course, spies from many countries are involved, and every ethnic group (from both hemispheres) is demeaned and insulted. After about five minutes of this, you'll find yourself begging for Arch Hall, Jr., to stop and warble a few tunes.

By the end, if you make it that far, you'll be hoping that the rabbit completes its mission.

A few of us over the age of thirty five remember an Eighties spy spoof from the makers of Flying High. In Top Secret, a pre-obnoxious Val Kilmer stars as a pretty boy Sixties rock singer who heads behind the Iron Curtain, and engages in some espionage silliness mixed with fake Beach Boys tracks. Now, if Nasty Rabbit from 1964 wasn't its direct inspiration, I'll eat my fake fur hat.

It's another film from Fairway International, a next-to-no budget production outfit set up to promote would-be rocker and matinée idol Arch Hall Jr. In fact Nasty Rabbit, or Spies-A-Go-Go (its original title, still visible on a road sign during the opening credits) is more of a shameless vanity vehicle to showcase the fading though still ham-flavored properties of arch-auteur Arch Hall SENIOR as producer "Nicholas Merriweather", co-writer, and in not one but TWO roles as American government man Dr McKinley and a Russian submarine commander, who sounds like he found his accent in the bottom of a vodka bottle. He dispatches the painfully lovable Mishkin aka Agent X-11 to let loose a little white rabbit with a vial of bacteria around its furry neck to let loose on the Free World. With the bunny disguised as a camera box, he goes undercover on the Killdeer Dude Ranch, perched on the edge of the Continental Divide where the bunny can do the most damage. And, as cowboy "Laughing Moose O'Brien" (see how sophisticated the humor gets?), he believes he has the stupid decadent Americans fooled. Jackie Gavin, the Killdeer ranch owner's daughter, says to Mishkin "You're the first cowboy I ever saw who drinks vodka!" "Oh…" he replies, "Because I'm half-breed Indian." Hmmmm… Let's consider the racial implications of that comment for a moment! At this point Arch Hall Jr rides in on a white charger (read: chopper) as "dreamy" recording star and secret agent Brett Hunter to play a gig with his combo The Archers at the Killdeer Ranch whilst keeping an eye on the damned Russkies. Of course it's no Fairway picture without Arch-Baby, who tears through a musical number or two to a presumably bribed audience of admirers. But for once he plays more like fifth or sixth banana to a gaggle of fast-aging Vaude-Villains out-mugging each other as an international smörgåsbord of agents and counter agents in on the bunny caper. There's Japanese Colonel Kobayashi, still in his WW2 threads, dwarfish Israeli agent Maxwell Schtump, Senor Gonzalez from South of de Border, Heinrich Kruger Former "nutty Nazi" – that old chestnut - now representing the West German team, and not to forget Chuckle the Wonder Dog. However it's the boxed bunny himself who gets the best lines of chipmunkish internal dialog courtesy of his Jewish speech writer.

Like every Fairway picture, it has a family ranch feel: The Sadist's James Landis is back in the director's seat, Eegah's Richard Kiel aka Jaws from The Spy Who Loved Me and Moonraker, plays a cowboy with gigantism, and the film looks fantastic thanks to Fairway's future Oscar-winning cameramen "William"/Vilmos Zsigmond and second unit "Leslie"/Lazslo Kovacs, but even they can't hide the boom mike shadows on the plywood walls. Real life Vegas showgirl, gangster's moll and perennial sex kitten Liz Renay plays Cecilia Solomon, love goddess in a halo of cigarette smoke, of no fixed allegiance other than the international community of Hopeless Romantics. As memorable as she is in Arch's final film Deadwood '76 and Ray Dennis Steckler's The Thrill Killers (both 1965) and John Waters' Desperate Living (1977), here she's plain painful, and over-enunciates each line like she's dictating the Kabbalah to a deaf monk.

It's as if Arch Sr saw It's A Mad Mad Mad Mad World the previous year and tried to copy its "throw in a thousand jokes and a thousand cameos and one of them has to work" approach. Naturally it backfires on the Halls; whilst their earlier films are unintentionally hilarious, Nasty Rabbit has the exact opposite effect. Part of that idiotic pre-post-modern American idea of comedy, alternately described as "zany", "kooky", and a boatload of other obnoxious buzzwords, Nasty Rabbit's like an extended episode of Get Smart written by a small navy of sea monkeys, who moonlight as the creative team behind Laugh-In. Needless to say, I'd be checking those sea monkeys' credentials, if I wasn't shaking my head in disbelief over the sheer chutzpah of the 1964 spy-a-go-go saga Nasty Rabbit.

As stated earlier, there are only so many times one can watch a Japanese guy fall out of a tree. The slapstick in this is of such a desperate and unpleasant quality, it'll give you a headache. BUT...

If you are looking for reasons to watch, they are as follows:

Opening credits. They are painted on giant plywood rabbits that were placed outside and then filmed. It makes for a colorful and crazy opening.

Arch Jr. The guy actually shows some star power here. Casual and cool-looking, unfortunately he isn't in it very much. He sings only one song.

Last and not least: The girl, "Jackie". She is totally cute. Just gorgeous and photographed very well. Sort of Natalie Portman-esque in her charms. Why never in another film??

Ouch, this was one of the most trying Fairway International experiences that I've had to endure. The movie never seemed to flow and I found a lot of reasons to hit the pause button to get a sandwich, read a book, vacuum, go for a quick run...

Why didn't it work? It was as if the weak storyline (thanks a lot William Waters!), a full color production, dude ranch, espionage, and a furry hare were put together in a blender and out came Nasty Rabbit. Much of the humor is forced and there's not even any unintentional humor to be found. There were too many scenes with the secondary characters who carry the film the way a 16 ton weight floats in the ocean (it doesn't). Add stereotypical caricatures including a Mexican bandito garbed in south of the border attire plus sombrero, a Japanese spy in WWII uniform, a German with the worst imitation of Colonel Clink...EVER. Throw in a Russian commander with the worst Russian accent ever attempted (thanks a heap Nicholas Merriwether) and you'll find yourself doing crossword puzzles or making crocheted doilies.

Perhaps if Nasty Rabbit focused more on Britt (Arch Hall Jr) and Jackie (Sharon Ryker), it would have been an improvement. I know I know, I'm asking for more Arch Hall Jr. Trust me, I've seen Eegah and I still think Cabbage Patch Elvis should've gotten more screen time here. More Arch Hall Jr songs (only one is played in the film) would've livened things up. I can't believe I said that, but this is the truth...and I've seen Wild Guitar and the Choppers. And bring back more Richard Kiel! He berates a pint sized calf rustler and then vanishes into film obscurity. Oh, and the Benny Hill chase scenes towards the end caused me spasmic terror to no end.

Still, the bunny credits signs were unique.

This could have been a funny movie, but it wasn't. More capable hands might have made it work. This is not the worst movie I have ever seen. I can think of at least that was worse; if memory serves me correctly, that one also starred Arch Hall, Jr.

The movie was full of demeaning ethnic stereotypes. Why foreign spies would run around wearing their native costumes, I have no idea.

There are a couple of halfway decent performances in this movie, or it may be that they only seem that way because of the atrocious acting they are surrounded by.

One of the few pleasures I received from watching this misbegotten movie was seeing the cars the spies drove. I once owned and have fond memories of a car similar to one of them.