Squad Car

The writer sure is proud of of the name.he came up with for our sexy femme fatale, Cameo Kincaid. Every character says it as often as they can- especially the narrator. Our shlumpy hero played by a capable actor , Don Marlowe (with a jarhead buzz cut) says "Cameo Kincaid : a nightclub tootsie with big eyes and no morals." (He has a weirdly written scene with Cameo where he unfortunately has to shave bare chested. Ouch- not good.). Cameo herself is played by the spectacular Vici Raaf, a Mamie Van Doran double who is introduced singing the jazzy, swinging lounge hit "Break 'Em Up" with hipster lyrics like "shake em up like this ooh ooh wow - no time for old fashioned waltzes just oom pow pow, a one two three Pow." They just don't write em like that anymore. To truly appreciate this show stopper you've got to see her moves that go with the performance. The patrons look slightly alarmed as she writhes through the little cocktail tables. One poor sap tries to light a cig while she sings. She'll have none of that. When we hear her husky speaking voice later it's pretty clear she was lip syncing the song. But listen she's fantastic She seems the most tuned into just what this movie needs inorder make it at least somewhat memorable. Poor Lynne Moore who plays Don Marlowe's infinitely more innocent girlfriend Jeanne. They got someone with a very stiff line reading to dub her voice. Wow- poor Lynne - she must have been terrible. Other people in her scenes aren't dubbed. And she's stuck with a frightening Harpo Marx hairdo. I would love to know the story behind the making of this movie. A group in Scottsdale got some funding? They partnered with local businesses, (hotels and tractor suppliers included) for product placement financial support, raided the local community theater groups, pulled in a couple of Hollywood fringe performers (Raaf.and nominal lead cop Paul Bryan) and made themselves a movie. Whew. But did I enjoy it? Yeah. For what it is, I dug it.

A shady fellow is killed, but Police Lieutenant Paul Bryar is on the case in his slow way. He goes to see showgirl Vici Raaf, and the trail leads to a counterfeiting scheme....and death!

It's a cheap second feature, with poor line readings, badly mismatched shots and a voice-over that tells you what's going on if you watch this while puttering around the house in the midst of this poorly put together one-hour feature, you may be astonished at the competence of the camerawork. It's Henry Cronjager Jr. -- credited as "Henry Cronjager"; his father hadn't had a screen credit since 1933 --who spent most of his career working in television.

Bryar gives a performance that reminds me of Broderick Crawford in this period, although without the energy. He had made the first of his almost 400 movie and TV performances in the late 1930s. He continued working, mostly uncredited on the big screen, until shortly before his death in 1985 at age 75.

2:57 A.M. SATURDAY MORNING, NEW YORK CITY.

The eleven-dollar electronic alarm clock read "2:57 AM". The wind blew calmly through the icy concrete streets. Inside, a lone cold beer sat in the fridge with only a ketchup packet and a container of baking soda to keep it company. On the radio for the millionth time was Janis Ian's ode to teenage insecurity, "At seventeen".

It was a Saturday morning and all my dames were out earning their rent money. I was only minutes away from the end of my life... and I didn't even know it.

And I, your ingenuous, sarcastic ruffian couldn't sleep. I thought, "Maybe I'll take a sleeping pill and go back to bed. Yeah."

CLICK!

Instead, I turned on my vintage, American-made Zenith, fired up an American Spirit, and drank my longneck cerveza. On the tube was an old black-and-white B-picture... SQUAD CAR, from 1961. I should have known that "squad car" was English for "waste of time" -- but I was young and foolish at 3 AM. A review in the TV Guide said the words "inept", "eighth-rate" and "instantly forgettable".

But I couldn't see the writing on the wall.

The narrative -- oh, yeah, something about murder and counterfeiting -- dragged on... and... on. Lifeless, hopelessly wooden performances by a cast of professional non-actors made me scream to the heavens above, "Why! Why are you punishing me?! Ahhh!" I tried to change the channel, but the television failed to respond to my request, and I was out of triple-A batteries. With the stength of 47 men, I pulled the plug out of the socket.

But, somehow without electricity, SQUAD CAR kept playing, keeping my newfound Hell on Earth alive and well. I should have known that the director's name --Ed Leftwich -- was English for "Architect of Cinematic Misery".

But I didn't.

After seven minutes and fifty-one seconds of SQUAD CAR, I thought of a way out: I downed that bottle of sleeping pills and ended all of the misery that it caused me. As I sat there, gradually fading out, I saw the end title cards.

I screamed: "Oh my God! The movie -- the misery of SQUAD CAR -- is over!" But, I would have to live with the pain that it has caused me.

"To hell with having my stomach pumped!"

I would rather leave this world with dignity than live as a SQUAD CAR victim.

Please, ladies and gentlemen, stay away from SQUAD CAR -- or it'll run you over, like it did me.

Squad Car is not as bad as some reviewers claim. It is simply a low-budget version of Dragnet/Badge 714. The title has little or no relation to the program episodes as the main storyline is about two detectives for the Beacon County Police Department. Coincidentally, Beacon County looks like Los Angeles.

Don't expect good acting or many locations. However, the program was not ultra low budget as it played on network and/or first-run syndication.

The series is rare and episodes are difficult to obtain. So, I doubt many will have opportunity to pass judgement.

Dialogue was good, acting very good. I've seen bad and really bad big budget so I don't understand the low ratings. IMO, sometimes a low budget gives more credibility. Ok, so it's not White Heat, but, it doesn't try to be.