The Beast of Yucca Flats

The towering presence of "Swedish Angel" Tor Johnson and laughable narration that sounds at times like some kind of oriental poetry fail to make this film more than barely watchable. There is no real dialogue (presumably the producers couldn't afford a travelling microphone) -- all the dialogue is postdubbed with the actors conveniently turning their heads away when the speak! -- or story, and the only effects are a guy parachuting off a helicopter and Johnson in pancake makeup. Still, a somehow amusing low-budget film filled with friends and associates of the late great Ed Wood.

I don't know what it is, but I find this stupifying excuse for a movie almost hypnotic in its sheer badness. I am starting to think it is so bad that it's perhaps the greatest movie ever made! Should I give it a 1 or 10? It's horrible, but not horrible like 'Manos', 'Wild World of Batwoman' or 'Stroker Ace'. Those are completely unwatchable movies. 'Beast' stands up to frequent repeated viewings (much like 'Plan 9'). I have to say that being a BIG Tor Johnson fan may have something to do with it, but I don't feel the same way about 'The Unearthly' & Tor utters perhaps the most memorable line in film history in that one.

Perhaps it's the magical touch of Coleman Francis. This is his 'Kane' & it shows frame by frame. The non-sensical narration, the stellar casting, the existence of the first scene in the movie (why??), the sparse landscape, the light aircraft...

All I know is, I just can't get enough of this movie. Good thing Englewood Entertainment has seen fit to release the film on DVD, although I will also keep the copy Conrad Brooks gave me a few years ago why blowing through town showing Plan 9. I only wish Englewood had released it in 'Letterbox' format with director's commentary & a documentary of the making of 'Beast'. Yes, I know Coleman's dead, but somebody somewhere had to be asking Mr. Francis WHY at the time & got it down on film or tape. At the least, I think Conrad is still around to lend some clues.

I feel an idea for a book coming on, but what I'm trying to convey with this overlong comment is that there is excellence and there is amateurish bafoonery, but with the case of this film, the distinction in my brain has been blurred. Perhaps the rating system is not a straight line, but a circle. And '0' & '10' are the same.

By the way, I love the treatment MST3K gave this stinker (along with the rest of the Coleman Francis trilogy), but even that deadens the effect. Watch that one if you must, but for the full effect buy the DVD/VHS of the standard release & watch it. Not once, but about 12 times will do it. Then you will know what I'm talking about. Judging by some of the '10' ratings out there, I may not be alone in this opinion.

A man. A movie. Mans inhumanity to the movie.

I have watched my share of garbage-amateur-horrible-z-grade horror, but Coleman Francis's: The Beast of Yucca Flats must be the worst ever! I cannot say I wasn't warned by other user comments, but such a warning only sparked my interest. If there ever was a movie, which deserved to be rated 1/10 this must be it.

The Plot: A defecting Russian scientist (Tor Johnson) is chased into atomic testing grounds by KGB agents, and he turns into a monster after he is exposed to a nuclear blast. You can tell he has turned into a monster because his hair is now white! The monster goes on a killing rampage, and two detectives venture out to stop him.

What went wrong: Short answer: Everything!

1. Dubbing. It took a while before I noticed that you never see any of the characters when they speak, so I checked the IMDb trivia section. Apparently the movie was shot without sound and later dubbed and to avoid out of sync problems the characters had their backs to the camera when talking or the camera focused on something else… It is hilarious to watch two people talk when the camera constantly shifts to the character that isn't talking. And then trying to get away with it for a whole hour…

2. The "score". The score is so over the top dramatic that it adds to the fun. A man walks through the desert/prairie and suddenly he sees a Keep Out sign, and you are blasted backwards in your chair by the music. Judging by the music a Keep Out sign is so much scarier than getting stabbed while showering… I guess it is supposed to compensate for the missing suspense/horror/action on all the other fronts!

3. The Narrator. The funniest thing in the movie is the narrator (Coleman Francis himself), who speaks with a calm and intellectual voice. I don't think one word he spoke made any sense – it's pseudo-intellectual dribble from the beginning to the end. We see a man lying in a hammock and the narrator goes: "Nothing bothers some people, not even flying saucers". I have no idea where he got flying saucers from – there are none in the movie nor are they ever mentioned. We see the scientist walking into the testing grounds and the narrator says: "Touch a button. Things happen. A scientist becomes a beast". It's like that during the whole movie.

4. Acting and effects. If the movie was supposed to be scary it would all depend on the monster, but like I already mentioned it consists of Tor Johnson with some white stuff on his face. We see the horrible monster chase a couple of boys, but sadly the monster is so fat it cannot really run, but it can throw rocks and wave a big stick… There are a couple of gunfights in the movie, but the bullets don't make holes or draw blood… Now, this might all sound like it makes some kind of sense, but let me assure you that it does not! There are so many whys and WTFs in this movie!

I will join the 393 out of 527 who rated this movie 1/10, but the fun factor is a lot higher. I didn't end up hating the movie like I did with Troll 2. And hey… it's only 54 minutes!

I had no idea when I started watching this movie what it was about but I was very well surprised by the extremely low quality of the movie.

It consists of no on screen dialog, a speaker-voice reads an pretensious load of crap as Tor Johnson staggers around as a confused Russian scientist harmed by a nuclear-test. Even if someone for some bizarre reason would WANT to make such an insane movie they would not have been able to come up with something like this.

Only a truly deranged mind could make such a movie. A genius in its own world of badness, competing with brilliant filmmakers like Ed Wood and others but Coleman Francis outnumbers them all!!

There is something very Zen-like about "Beast of Yucca Flats". The vast lingering views of the desert Southwest. The odd disconnected dialogue that sounds completely disembodied. The haiku like narration.

It is in the spirit of Coleman Francis' narration that I now give impressions of the film: A clock ticks. A beautiful girl. A hidden killer. The clock stops. There is no connection.

The vast desert. A plane lands. Joseph Javorski, noted scientist. Joseph Javorski, who looks like he could eat whole pigs, has the fate of the world in his briefcase. The Kremlin's best make him a target. The wheels of progress grind on.

A chase. Bullets. Murder. Flag on the Moon...how did it get there? A bomb. More progress. Touch a button, something happens. A scientist becomes a beast.

Figures in a landscape. Who knows how long we really have? Joe and Jim, desert patrolman. They guard freedom and democracy 24/7 in this landscape. A beast is on the loose. Joseph Javorski, once a noted scientist, now...nothing.

There is no progress in the desert. Yet its effects are everywhere. Man's progress. Quench the killer's thirst. A family stops for a rest. The beast appears. A terrible mistake. Policemen with quick guns and the minds of swine. An innocent man dies. Who cares? Two boys feed soda pop to thirsty pigs. It's progress, you know.

Confrontation. A fight that is not a fight. A gun with no bullets fires. Joseph Javorski, noted scientist, becomes rabbit food. The wheels of progress grind on. End.

The viewer's mind becomes nothing. What have we seen? Who believes in flying saucers? Coleman Francis. The name lingers on. The lonely cry of desert winds. I love the movies.