Sex Kittens Go to College

A couple of things. Mamie Van Doren and Tuesday Weld. They are the minimum interest in this completely unfunny, shallow, dim, laugh-less, and absolutely atrocious attempt at broad humor and low-brow shenanigans.

Its only train-wreck appeal is the aforementioned beauties. Everything else misses the mark and cannot be redeemed even by those who love to tout its outdated tendencies and point to all the "talent" on the screen.

Mamie, as always, does her best and wears a trademark shiny, skin-tight dress in one segment that is the standout in this hard to get through parade of "didn't anyone notice that this wasn't the least bit funny" one-liners, slapstick, and cheapness. Watch it if you must to laugh at it and not with it, but the bottom line is that this is just sad.

The remarkable thing is its ability to take so many easily recognizable Characters Actors that apart from this, have done reasonably good work and manage, after all, to put on the Screen a Monkey that outshines everyone.

In the opening credits, somebody sings "Sexpot Goes To College," which is an alternate title for this flick. I can think of a few more titles, but I don't want to get banned. This is one of the greatest wastes of non-talent ever conceived. Granted, you don't expect much from a Mamie Van Doren flick, but this thing is truly abysmal.

A robot/computer named THINKO selects the newest faculty member for Collins College. That would be Mamie, who has 13 degrees, can speak 18 languages, and has a sign over her bed reading "Over One Million Served." The reaction of the welcoming committee consists of astonishment (Louis Nye), disapproval (Pamela Mason), and lust (Martin Milner). Mamie tries to impress them with her knowledge of theoretical mechanics: "When I blast off, I've got an escape velocity which gets me to my aphelion point practically instantaneously." Actually, I understood that. Mamie is introduced to the science class, and gives a psychology demonstration by firing two pistols. Next, she sets her sights on helping the star football player overcome his shyness. The football player is played by Woo Woo Grabowski, whose character's name happens to be Woo Woo Grabowski. Woo Woo is being wooed by Tuesday Weld, who looks cute but does not give her performance the old college try. Elsewhere, we have Minjanou Bardot (Brigitte's sister) as a student who apparently is writing a book about sex, two moronic gangsters (Mickey Shaughnessy and Alan Drake playing characters named "Boomie" and "Legs" who think THINKO is a bookie), John Carradine as a lecherous biology professor, Jackie Coogan as Admiral Wildcat MacPherson, and Jose Gonzales-Gonzales as a Mexican.

The thin plot involves the discovery that Mamie used to be a dancer named "Tassels Monclair." So I'm not sure how she found the time to get so highly educated. Mamie does get to dance in a tight silver dress, and sings "Baby," accompanied by Conway Twitty's band. This is definitely the highlight of the film, but it quickly deteriorates as Coogan, Carradine, Nye, and some other guy prance around with her, and do a weak impersonation of a chorus line. Then everybody scatters when a monkey shoots off a machine gun. Apparently, even Cheetah can pass a background check.

There are a few subplots, but they are hardly worth mentioning. In fact, I can't even describe them. The dialogue is witless, as witnessed by this exchange between Bardot and Drake:

Bardot: "Parlez-vous francais?" Drake: "Not if I can help it baby, it gives me gas."

ROFLMGasO

This makes at least three films I've seen with the musclebound and mentally challenged Woo Woo Grabowski - "College Confidential," "The Beat Generation," and now this. I have no idea what he is doing in any of these films, and apparently neither does he. Coogan is obviously doing a W. C. Fields impersonation, and falls flat. Shaughnessy seems to be channeling Lou Costello; please, switch channels. Horny Carradine gets to do the Charleston and the tango with Mamie. Nye spends the entire film looking like he is suffering from hemorrhoids. Vampira has a bit part as Nye's assistant; I didn't even notice it was her until one of the final scenes. Bardot needs to have her libido excised. Pamela Mason is out of her league. It's no wonder a few years later she cleaned out hubby James in the divorce; she couldn't have made any money from this dreck. Milner overacts, does doubletakes, and mugs wildly for the camera. In the finale, he commandeers a fire truck (from Charlie Chaplin, Jr.), and, with Nye hanging on the ladder, sets off after Mamie to propose. The truck is pulled over by Officer Kent McCord, thus starting a long and beautiful friendship with Milner.

There are no actual decapitations, cattle mutilation, desecration of houses of worship, or spurting arteries in Sex Kittens Go To College. Within those limits, this is ghastly beyond anything you can imagine.

Imagine Mamie van Doren as an ex-stripper with an IQ of 268 and twelve college degrees - no, thirteen, hired as a college professor. Imagine Jackie Coogan as a blustering oilman doing a 45-minute W.C. Fields impression. Imagine Martin Milner out-geeking Eddie Deezen, a twelve-foot robot named Thinko that handicaps horse races, a chimp in golf pants. Imagine the most credible and disciplined performance in the film being turned in by Louis Nye. Imagine Vampira so hagged out you'd flee to the arms of Nancy Kulp...Brigitte Bardot's little sister as an exchange student...Conway Twitty...fire engine...funny gangsters... Are your sides aching with laughter yet?

Terrifyingly awful. The only saving grace is that neither Woody Woodbury nor Paul Anka makes a guest appearance.

Collins College is waiting to welcome their new head of the science department, professor Dr. Mathilda West (Mamie Van Doren), with 13 degrees, IQ 298, and 40-20-30. They had used the school computer Thinko to select West. They didn't realize that she is a buxom blonde with unusual effects on everybody. Also arriving on the train are two criminals searching for Thinko.

This is a wacky small sex comedy. It starts with a fun premise but it struggles to go beyond that. Mamie is not a good comedian but at least she can walk and talk. She is Marilyn Monroe without the skills. I'm just not sure if shooting into the crowd is that funny. She does have a monkey. Is that enough? It's definitely not enough to reignite a fun elevator pitch.

Sex Kittens Go to College (1960)

1/2 (out of 4)

One of the worst films of the decade has a college needing a new science teacher so a robot picks out one who isn't what you'd typical expect. Dr. West (Mamie Van Doren) is a sexy blonde with big you-know-whats and soon everyone on campus is falling for her. I'm really not sure what the point of this film was unless the producers thought it would be funny to pretend that Van Doren was smart. This film has one of the worst reputations out there and it's easy to see why because this "comedy" doesn't have a single laugh in it that works. In fact, there's really nothing here that works because the entire thing just has a really cheap feel to it and it's clear that it was a rushed item without too much thought put into it. The strange thing is that it does feature a good cast and this here helps keep the film from being a total bomb. I actually thought Van Doren was good in the lead role as she handled the "smart" dialogue just fine and I thought she managed to be charming in the part. Both Tuesday Weld and Mijanou Bardot are nice to look at and we get the likes of John Carradine, Vampira, Jackie Coogan, Allan Drake and Conway Twitty in small parts. In fact, seeing Carradine and Van Doren doing a certain dance is always worth sitting through the picture for. The version I watched was the original theatrical one and not the extended piece that ran 7-minutes longer and featured a striptease. SEX KITTENS GO TO COLLEGE is a really bad movie but at the same time it's certainly bad enough to where it should keep fans of bad films entertained.