The Naked Witch

I am disappointed. I am dismayed. I am disgruntled. I began watching this video thinking I was about to see the first film of horror/cult icon Andy Milligan(still have not seen one of his films) only to see that it was directed by Larry Buchanan. It seems that in 1964 there were two...yes, that's right TWO films made and both titled The Naked Witch. Why the lack of creativity on someone's part I know not, but until I began watching this film and then researching it, I was in the dark on this tidbit of information. Not only that(and this information came courtesy the other reviewer on here) it seems that the version of The Naked Witch I watched(say that fast ten times!) has two versions as well, yes, that's right TWO versions, one in black and white and one in color! Well, I bet you can guess which version I saw. Thanks Sinister Cinema! I ended up seeing the old distorted black and white version with the poor audio and the scratchy film quality. While I was watching, I was contented that this was the best quality available, but now I know it comes in a pristine print put out by Something Weird Video and in COLOR! Now, I must get the color print to watch, even though the movie is by no means great. As I write this review, I want you to bear in mind that I did not see the best print. The story is about a student in Texas writing a paper on witches in German folklore in Texas. He meets people that are friendly but clam up when the supernatural is mentioned. Robert Short plays the student and narrates throughout the whole film, and his performance can only be described as wooden. Anyway, to make a long story short...he somehow raises the old, century-dead witch of the village who reeks her revenge on the descendants of the men responsible for burning her. The witch does rise from her grave and we see her old face(which is nothing more than a plastic mask) turn into her young face. She is of course naked...hence the title, although nothing really is very erotic about her, nor do we really see much except her shoulders. The story is decent, however, and I was entertained through much of it. For me the best part is the prologue about the history of witchcraft with paintings and narrated by Gary Owens(his first major job!) I bet they are something(as in Something Weird Video) in color!!!

You would think a movie that is less than an hour long couldn't be boring and filled with time killing nothingness but you would be very wrong. The first ten minutes of this horrible flick is a narrator explaining the history of witches while they show old paintings. Then we meet the main character who takes turns explaining the the non-story with the narrator. The guys car runs out of gas and he just leaves it and never goes back for it. Did I mention they constantly say it's dark when you can clearly tell that it's not? I hate that. Never watch this movie, trust me.

THE NAKED WITCH begins with voice-over narration by someone known only as "the student". The story takes place in the German part of Texas, where German kids sing German songs while running around in German clothes.

"The student's" car breaks down, so, he walks to the German village full of German people doing German stuff. He meets Kirska, who guides him around town, accompanied by more narration. Then, "the student" has a German dinner with an elderly German man who smokes a big German pipe. "The student" is researching his thesis paper about witchcraft, but Kirska explains in her Kirska way that no one wants to discuss the subject.

"The student" presses on.

He simply must hear the story of the Leuchenbach witch! He can't resist going to the graveyard and resurrecting said unclothed spellcaster! Watching her stroll around is amazing! Watch, as she saunters behind walls, gates, and trees! See her eeevil magic turn the film blotchy and blurred, obscuring her naughty bits!

Thankfully, she starts killing people.

Filmed in the style of an ancient travelogue, this is a classic example of a cinematic fuster-cluck.

To be fair, the first death, causing the water to turn red, is -almost- effective, and the witch herself is just cold and devilish enough to make the rest -somewhat- endurable. At an hour in length, it feels more like ten, with the only semi-naked part coming toward the end. The witch also does a dance!

Another harmless "nudie" movie from yesteryear...

Let's go to Luckenbach Texas with Waylon and Willie and the boys. OK, wrong movie. No Waylon here. This is about witches. Well, it is about naked witches. they say.

First we have to sit though nine minutes of woodcarvings and a lecture on the history of witches. Then the student (Robert Short) who lands in Luchenbach, Texas to do research gives us a few minutes of history on the German settlers in this town. When do we get to the naked witches? There is no use talking about the cast as the vast majority did no more that two appearances in their careers.

Just when things do get interesting and we have a secret book in our hands, we get another history lesson. Sheesh.

Before we get a chance to see the witch (Libby Hall) naked, she steals the clothing off another girl (Jo Maryman). We don't get to see her naked either.

The use of Vaseline on the lens when the witch is swimming in the stream convinces us that we will never see all of the naked witch. The is clearly false advertising. Only the student is given unfettered view.

Questions unanswered: How did the student dig up a 100-year-old grave with his bare hands? Where did the witch find panties and shoes? Is having sex on gravel painful? What reward awaits the student after saving Krista?

This regional horror from schlockmeister Larry Buchanan is often confused with a film by Andy Milligan that bears the same title. Milligan's movie has long been considered lost, which is probably for the best (if you're familiar with his work, you'll know why I say that), but Buchanan's film has no such sense of shame: it's unapologetically awful and still out there for the world to see.

The Naked Witch is just under an hour long, but Buchanan still dedicates the first ten minutes of his film to a dry history lesson about witchcraft which comprises of nothing but close-ups of Hieronymus Bosch paintings accompanied by monotonous narration. It's a real test of any trash movie fan's resolve. The rest of the film is no better...

Robert Short, in his one and only screen role (no surprise there), plays a college student who travels to the hill country of central Texas to carry out research for his thesis on early German festivals, with a particular interest in the folklore and superstition of the people who live there. After hearing the story of a witch (Libby Hall) who was executed in the area one hundred years earlier, he locates her grave, digs up her mummified corpse and removes the stake that still pierces her chest. The dead woman returns to life to avenge herself, killing the ancestors of the man who condemned her.

The vast majority of this film appears to have been shot with no sound, meaning that many scenes are narrated by the central character, whose voiceover is like aural temazepam. Buchanan has also managed to source some of the worst organ music imaginable to slap over his film. The direction is lifeless, the editing is amateurish, and the acting is atrocious.

There is, of course, the naked witch to spice things up, Hall stripping off to go skinny dipping, but the application of ridiculous make-up, especially to her eyebrows, ensures that she isn't very sexy. Bizarre brows don't stop the student from boffing the witch, but, in the end, he kills the reanimated woman to save the life of pretty blonde Kirska (Jo Maryman).