Crash of Moons

Crash Of Moons bests illustrates the mind of the Fifties Science fiction creator, the hack creator, not the Robert Heinleins or Isaac Asimovs. In this film which was cobbled together from the old Rocky Jones Space Ranger TV show, rocketry was the limit, the ultimate in our technology. Lasers and computers were not conceived.

Again some knowledge of the show which I had and which at the age of 7 I devotedly watched is required. Two planetary bodies that are inhabited are going to crash. One of these is a 'gypsy moon' that roams space without a star it revolves around Posita which is ruled by John Banner before he was Sergeant Schultz. The other is Ophesius which is ruled by perennial villain Queen Cleolanta, Patsy Parsons. She was one evil woman, but she's heading for the last roundup.

After the usual Cleolanta intrigues Rocky Jones tries to bombard Posita with something called a 'tortanic' missile. Several of them which make some big bangs after the gypsy moon is evacuated, but don't budge it an inch off course. As I said rocketry was the limit of TV writers imagination.

How does it end? If you're an old Rocky Jones fan like me you know.

Being familiar with Rocky Jones, Space Ranger, I was confused as to what this was exactly. It seems like back in the early 1950's, there were several films released that were just compilations of TV episodes. Was this the first ever TV movie? I can't find any earlier ones! Anyway, I'm glad I didn't need to be familiar with the show to understand this. Then again, I mostly didn't care. I honestly didn't think Bobby was that annoying. It's still a bad movie, mostly because of how boring it is.

The basic plot is that two moons are about to collide and the people on them must be evacuated. Like most cheesy B-movies of this time, its main fault is that it's just too boring. The action scenes look as fake as ever. I guess I like the idea of an ongoing story, but it amounts to very little in the end. This was certainly an old shame for the first days of TV. Even back then, we had our fair share of bad shows. *1/2

Excellent entertainment value when viewed as the MST3K version! Everyone is a hoot, and John Banner appears in a rare serious role as the ruler of one of the doomed planets. Don't forget to send a Bannergram. Oh, and don't forget to watch Manhunt in Space, as well.

I do like watching the classic serials of the 1940s and '50s what with their constant two-fisted action scenes and cliffhangers, although I'd never experienced the delights of ROCKY JONES, SPACE RANGER previously. CRASH OF MOONS is an example of three episodes of the popular TV series being stitched together to make a single movie.

And boy, is it a dog. It's a drawn out sci-fi movie that drags along in the doldrums for the entire running time, featuring a plot so slight that it barely holds the viewer's attention. The tale is about the titular pair of moons that have been sent out of orbit and are on a collision course with an inhabited planet. Rocky and his team (including a woman, a kid, and a bizarre old professor guy who might as well sit around smoking a pipe) go to help them evacuate, but the planet's stupid queen wants nothing to do with it.

I associate these kinds of serial and TV shows with plenty of action and excitement, but CRASH OF MOONS is sorely lacking in that department. There are lots and lots of shots of spaceships landing and docking in which the ships look like they've been drawn on the screen or perhaps animated with a piece of cardboard. Even worse, there are only a couple of fight scenes, and attempts to generate any kind of suspense fall flat. The queen and her people are so unlikeable and stupid in behaviour that you wish the moons would crash on to them and kill them all. Add in a stolid hero and cheap production values and you have CRASH OF MOONS, an entirely dated sci-fi outing.

This is a pretty standard example of the kind of 1950's sci-fi movie that, on the one hand, now comes across as thoroughly dated and often unintentionally funny, but that also has a certain charm, at least to those who can appreciate the genre. This is not a bad film of its kind, despite its deficiencies.

The "Crash of Moons" has to do with a pair of 'gypsy moons', one of which is inhabited, that are locked into an irregular orbit around each other (as one character helpfully describes it, 'like two children on a playground'), and that are headed for a collision with another inhabited moon. The 'United Worlds' sends Space Ranger Rocky Jones and his friends to save everybody. One of the moons (whose leader is John Banner, better known as Sergeant Schultz from "Hogan's Heroes") is quite cooperative, but the other world is ruled by an entertainingly mean-spirited queen who, for reasons that apparently satisfy her, would rather eliminate the Space Rangers than have their help.

Most of the characters are stereotypes, but the actors are not bad, and most of them seem to enjoy what they are doing, which gives it some real life most of the time. Some of the events and much of the jargon in the dialogue lack any plausibility, but the basic premise of the impending collision comes across pretty well, and creates some real interest. The direction could have been a lot better, because in many of the crises the tension is prematurely defused, but on the other hand there is usually enough going on to keep the viewer's interest. The 'special' effects are about what you would expect, but at least they're good for some chuckles.

This movie won't be of general interest today, but if you enjoy movies such as "Plan 9 From Outer Space", this one is worth a look. "Crash of Moons" is not nearly as uproariously inept (what movie is), but it will keep your attention and provide some light entertainment.